Problematic

 It's weird to think of the things we have to "come out" as. Because there's a set of defaults. Presumptions are made that you're "normal" and fit neatly into the categories people are supposed to have fit neatly into since people became a thing.  Of course, there never has been a neat set. There are always "outliers", but should they really be considered outliers if they were truly part of the standard the whole time? Being gay isn't new. It was a default. Just something that had to be kept in secret. This isn't me coming out as being gay, bisexual, pansexual or transgender. I'd rather be considered non-binary, but this isn't about that either. I've been watching I May Destroy You and recently finished a great documentary called Audrey and Daisy. So this is me coming out as someone who has been sexually assaulted. Which is a very normal thing, that shouldn't be a very normal thing. What else is there to come out as? Doe...

 We saw Cabaret for the first time this weekend. Sort of spur of the moment over two nights because I started it at like 1am on Saturday and neither of us could push through the oddity for two straight hours. I'm not sure I really got the point, but I do now want to go as Sally Bowles for Halloween, so that's something, right? It reminded me a little of Breakfast at Tiffany's but sadder and with more Nazis. I think it's just really hard for me to take a piece of art with a selfish girl who dreams of being more but just can't let herself be loved and do anything more than go "OMG SO ME" in the most millennial way possible. Like the whole time she's flitting around and pretending things are fine and talking things up to make herself seem cooler I'm like #ImBeingAttacked. But I'm not even that good at putting on the interesting enigmatic brave face, I'm so much better at the wide eyed accusations that things were never going to work out anyway...

I need to pee. I want to sleep... I am very worried I am developing a tolerance to my Ambien. ------------------------------------------------- Days Later: I'm so tired. I still want to sleep. I'm so greedy for it. I can't get enough of it. Literally. I keep sleeping like 4-6 hours. Unless I manage to get a nap in...which is spotty at best.  I bought "I Don't Want To Die Poor" and I've been going through it kind of slowly. I made it through the first chapter pretty quickly, but I'm just not a great reader anymore. It's very relatable, even though I don't have nearly as much debt and none of mine is private loans. I feel pretty lucky in that. I have also started "I May Destroy You" and I'm a little bothered by how much it reminds me of myself. I can recall fondly the nights I can't recall at all after a certain point, but it's jarring to see someone else blackout. Sometimes it feels like I have so few memories it's pain...

I say, "We should get married." to Collin in frequent random intervals. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts and impulses, and between "go stab yourself" and "tell your boyfriend of less than a year you want to marry him" it seems pretty obvious which is okay to give in to. But there's less clean-up involved in telling Collin I want to marry him, so I go with that one anyway. Another impulse I've been giving into a lot is masturbating. I think the world is just grim enough that every day warrants funeral sex. I've heard this is a thing. Pop-culture tells me so and why would pop-culture lie to me about people getting horny around dead people? Pop-culture would never lie to me! Especially about people getting horny around dead people!! The given excuse for this increased libido seems to be something like "wanting to feel alive." I think I'm operating this on a much more basic level of brain functioning in that it's a quick and eas...