Problematic

All I want out of life is the time to figure it out. I feel like this is a common desire, and an uncommonly achieved goal. I was discussing the merits of death with Myex the other day, and it was his opinion that death adds a weight to the events of your life. Similarly to the way a range of emotions helps you to put them in perspective, death makes the moments in your life that much richer. There's only so much time, so one has to use it wisely. I agreed. I, of course, tend to use a lot of my life thinking, and fidgeting, about life. About desire. About what I want, to break it down simply. What does everyone want? I would imagine a lot of it is more time. More time with the people we love. To do the things we like. To make the money we need to go the places we want to go. To get the things that we think we should have. To reach the goals that look good on a resume. People are constantly strapped for time. Time to find ourselves. It's time to find myself. It's a ...

I don't handle it well. I need to work on that. I need to note it for my next therapy session. Today was a good one. My therapist's office is filled with trinkets. Things from World Market, most likely, meant to mimic the aesthetic of a far off land. I think she's particularly fond of Asian cultures. She has tapestries hanging of men fighting on the backs of elephants. She juxtaposes that against the painted fans, bamboo, and geisha figurine. There's also the most peculiar beaded fruit. I'm not sure why someone would want to bedazzle plastic fruit, but I wholeheartedly support her decision. She seems to support mine. Today I had a question for her: Do you think I'm unhealthily obsessed with Myex? I asked because I worried that I would one day be Stassney. Myex insists he loves us both and wants us to be a make-shift family for him in a non-romantic sense. Not like a sister-wives thing...  And this makes me feel like there's little difference in...

I spend a lot of my time sitting in positions not conducive to anything helpful. I often hurt my back. I am far older than I should be, physically.  I realized this morning that Stassney has been the second in Myex's life so long that she definitely qualifies as a mistress. This led me to be curious about how often a man marries his mistress, and according to one Huffington Post article  that cites a book from 1988, this happens about 3% of the time. I wonder how that has changed in the nearly 30 years since that book was written. Does she have a better chance? Will their love story end grandly because they are special and manage to make it into the fraction of the 3% that has a "good" relationship after their wedding? I always appreciate when bogus data is on my side. When an article says scientists claim "eating chocolate is as good for you as a 3 mile run" or "people who hate the sound of chewing might be geniuses" I perk up immediately. ...

Sometimes there isn't a bad guy. Sometimes no one in the show is quite the antagonist, you just have a group of people making very bad, reactionary, decisions. Whether reacting to each other, or their own impulses driven by a greater concept of "true love", the results are the same: people get hurt. At some point I recognized this. I am trying to break these cycles. It's not like they're helping anyone. When I went to visit my mother in Houston she stopped in the middle of our movie for a moment and asked me if I had been tested for diabetes. The implication being that I am getting chubby again. Which is completely true. I have been stressed out and eating like shit. Even though I have been out running/walking almost every day last week I was eating way more calories than I was burning and I might have put on a couple of pounds. Literally. But somehow she can tell. Or she just can't help herself. I think it's a bit of the latter because I spend a lot o...

I don't know how many times I'm going to have to say "It's cool." My mom has cancer. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. It's cool. I'm happy with her. It's cool. My mom is dead. It's cool. So much of my life is being swept under the feeling- "It's cool." Resignation. My life is a long resignation. "To whom it may concern, It is with a heavy heart that I must formally depart from Life, LLC. There have been some incredibly good moments, but I fear I am overwhelmed by the feeling that I just don't fit the culture. I wish you all the best in acquiring a replacement. Sincerely, Me" I'm Cookie in the cat shirt and she's Anika coming in when things go sour. But you know what? Cookie and Lucious are fucking terrible together...and Anika seems to honestly make him happy. So maybe Cookie just needs to let it go. I know I just need to let it go. It doesn't feel great though to have lost your best friend aft...

I should be obsessed with it. I spend none of my time in the moment- it's almost constantly in the past or future. So I should be too into time travel, but I just don't believe in the science behind it. I heard a startalk once in which they discussed the possibility of time travel, and how the people with the biggest ideas probably came back from the future with them. This both feels ridiculous and kind of like cheating. Which is kind of the first big joke in Making History , this great new comedy on Fox! It stars Adam Pally ( The Mindy Project, Happy Endings ), Leighton Meester ( Gossip Girl ), and Yassir Lester (Idk). I am a huge fan of Adam Pally, he has great comedic timing due primarily to his overwhelming earnestness. He's regularly one of the best parts of anything he's featured in, and I'm hoping his regular spots on The Mindy Project mean that she's going to have a guest role on this show. Leighton Meester is also surprisingly good at selling the...

I've had a lot of cravings lately. Writing has been one. I have fallen into this sad Sex-in-the-City Carrie-esque pattern of sitting down at my laptop at the end of the day to consider how it went and how I feel. And fish. I've been craving fish. And running. I've been out walking every day. Catching Pokemon erryday. Another unfortunate realization in my manic episodes has been that I need to go back and edit a lot of my recent posts. The typose!! The grammar! How could I?! Anyway, today was therapy day. Obviously we tried to navigate the most recent deal with Myex as well as the possibility that I was using it to distract myself from the fear of my mother dying. And surprisingly she said my feelings were totally natural and not silly! She told me not to shame myself out of feeling both. Considering we were together for 8 years and through the entire time Stassney was trying to wedge herself in she felt it was totally reasonable that I would feel betrayed, sad, angr...

I hate to lose, but sometimes you have to let things go. My heart is not quite elastic in that you bounce off, but you keep bouncing within. Still I'll be fine writing songs and other things. To that end, we're finally gaining traction with the web series. I've got an idea for the first few scenes. I just need to find a way to connect them and draw everything out for like 5 minutes. Some day you'll feel distant. My heart will break, the elasticity that keeps forgiving you will wear down and you'll be free. I'll be free. I'll choose me, because someone has to sometime. I listen to way too many love songs in general. I write too many hate songs in general. Everything is about creating distance between the desire of the weak. *week. In positive things: I set up my second return to UT on Wednesday. A few bits of paperwork and I will have a much better GPA- a GPA I can work with to Law School. And to reaffirming my worth. I know I shouldn't think of...

If you haven't seen Legion, you absolutely should be watching it. It's gorgeous. It's so cinematic! It's very similar to the Hannibal TV show in the way it's pushed boundaries for television cinematography, however Legion is brighter, and slightly more jarring, because of the subject matter. The scenes blur sometimes to reflect the confusion of the main character. The surrealism feels very true to what it feels like to suffer from mental illness, at least as far as my friends and I have compared notes. Apparently, bipolar disorder can account for the delusions. David is presumed to be schizophrenic, which I had always thought was the primary mental illness associated with delusions. This might still be true, but bipolar disorder also does this. I guess during the manic phases? You're so wired some times. Colors become too vibrant. Things start to feel so real they must be manufactured. Sometimes, you think you're being followed, persecuted. Sometimes, there...

So, my mother has cancer and I don't know what that means in the long arch. I think that the focus should be on her. But where does that leave me? Ha. I don't know what happened when they told her. I have begun reading In Gratitude by Jenny Diski, which I was interested in without remembering that this was a cancer diary. It was on another end of year list I needed to make my way through. The first chapter is an interesting recount of her being given the life-shortening diagnosis and her decision then to write the book. So, I wonder, what went through my mother's head? I wonder in a deeper way than I have ever allowed myself. Up to now it's all been surface explanations for the the things she did, but I've never really worried about the way she felt. Was she scared? Did her mind go blank? Did she feel, like Ms. Diski, that she was running through the paces of a script she couldn't escape? From here there were limitations to her choices? Probably not. They st...

I'm begging for the uncomplicated. I need it. It's eluded me for so long and I have no idea how to go about finding it. I assumed, I think quite misguidedly, now, that uncomplicated didn't really exist. That is was a fabrication of social media and older generations of authors and content providers. Things never settle into a nice routine. People don't just have large open kitchens, children and pugs without drama at home and work. Everybody argues all the time. Everybody argues on vacation. Couples make their friends uncomfortable. This was reality. It had to be. I couldn't be the only one. Now I would prefer the opposite be true. I have to be doing this wrong. Something wrong. There has to be a way to get to uncomplicated. There has to be a path to security. As we previously discussed, and I have discussed many times with my therapist, there is a growing community of people who support the theory of mirroring with children. Which, if you'll recall,...

Sometimes there is a horror in being right. A monster that's waiting to rip you apart for your minor clairvoyance. A punisher. You should have known better, You shouldn't have kept asking questions you knew the answer to. You shouldn't have done the things you knew would lead down this path, you should have found another way to move, another way to think. another way to be- rather than giving into the compulsions that you knew would lead to ruin. I broke a glass while doing the dishes. One of my favorites. It broke so cleanly. I kept the smaller piece that broke off for today. And then I used my favorite weapon because I knew the answers and shouldn't have asked the questions. I knew I wouldn't be ok with this reality and I was punished. And I bled. And I took a bunch of Nyquil and the weird pain medication they gave me for anxiety. Now I'm just a little numb and feel silly. I have a bunch of cuts that are going to feel annoying against fabric for a while, a...

As you know, I am in therapy. I am beginning to resent my therapist for not having fixed me already. I know it's not her fault, but I don't think I have to logic my way out of that feeling, so fuck off. This is what my therapist told me to do. Except for the telling people to fuck off part. That she kind of explicitly discouraged. She did tell me to allow myself to feel things, however, acknowledge that I can separate feelings from actions. This is something I think I still don't quite have a grasp on. What's the point of being angry if you aren't going to do anything with it? What's the point of being sad if you're not going to express it in your words and actions to the person who made you sad? I'll have to ask her for further clarification, I guess. She says that if you try to pretend it's not happening at all, instead of maybe internally acknowledging the feeling and letting it pass or going to someone outside the situation to express the emo...

I don't know if you're aware of Chance the Rapper- I only recently got really into him myself. It started when I read a few articles about this new group of rappers that are also trying to be socially conscious and are publicly active in their communities and politics. Like they were leading their concerts out to vote, or in Chance's case meeting with the Mayor and buying out theaters so that people could see Get Out. Then Coloring Book was on Vulture's top 15 albums of 2016, which, in March of 2017, I am still trying to get through. I am about half way done. With the list. I finished Coloring Book and it was entirely deserving of a place on end-of-year recaps. Then, most recently, I heard him on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on NPR, and it was brilliant. He was so witty. They classified him as "good boy rap" and I don't know if that's entirely true, but he does seem like a genuinely cool person. And he can dance ! It's probably one of my favorite th...

I had no idea that for so long I did not know what that word actually meant. And, tragically, I went so long without knowing there was a word for the way I always feel. For the constant conflict inside between completely different emotions, between emotions and logic, between empathy and the angry weight of living...the conflict of self-compassion and extreme guilt. It's frustrating not to know how to feel. I'm on new medication though. I am apparently a little bi-polar. Maybe bi-polar II, says my therapist, but my psychiatrist didn't care to give a solid diagnosis. He just asked if anyone had ever suspected, then told me we'd try mood stabilizers. I've been on them for 5 days and my sleep has become unstable, but I have been more productive- I don't know how I feel...but I have never known how I feel. I was so worried that if I ever went on medication I would lose myself. Maybe my perspective would drastically change? I wouldn't want to do the "a...