Problematic

I have: 3 courses I am behind in 2 paintings that have managed to actualize to the point of light sketching on canvas 4 months left on this lease a recurring wish to be able to paint the color flashes songs create in my brain 2 blog posts I started over a month ago and a few weeks ago respectively Galentine's Day is right around the corner. I need to dump a lot of thoughts. The truth is- I lied internet, I am still pulling out my hair. I am finally giving in (for maybe the 12th time of my adult life) to talking to someone about my persistent anxiety and reactionary suicidal idealization. Maybe that isn't the best way of putting that- I don't know exactly how reactionary it is to sit in the bathroom, consider all the things you need to do that day and then briefly muse on how just dying would eliminate that list completely. I like to imagine that's actually quite normal and silly: the overwhelming sense of dread that your body needs more momentum than you may b...

I have been on extra large Tylenol and muscle relaxers for a couple of weeks. It has not been as fun as it would have sounded in my early twenties. Nothing is, though. I found a new show that I love and promptly binged through it all. You may not have heard of it, unless you're a much bigger TV nerd than myself, but it was on for 3 years before it was struck down by the powers that be: Happy Endings! I can only hope to one day be the Penny of my social circle- and have a social circle. Right now all of my interactions are pretty heavily segregated by - I'm not sure. Personality aspects? Era? I think it's closer to era. I have my college friend, my post-college-wandering friend, my last-retail-job friend and then friends from each of my longer lasting office jobs. I have no idea how to merge them and I'm a little uncertain if I want to...It's probably for the best that my social life is so fractured because I am better at navigating smaller groups. Anyway, Ha...

We're three days in- how are you holding up? I have spent way too much money this holiday season; some on medical bills, mostly on things I didn't need. I'm crip-walking into the new year because of a pinched nerve that creates a dull to unbearably piercing pain from my butt to my ankle. It's a fun new experience! I have no idea how it happened but it's been bothering me since before Christmas and I broke last Monday and went to an Urgent Care. Three hours and a missed day of work later and I have some really big Tylenol and a few muscle relaxers working on the case! I was told in another week or so it should be back to normal and if not I may need to go to an ER. Exciting stuff. This whole thing has just kept me grounded in the fear of life on my own. As you know, because I must have mentioned it like 1000 times here, me and the BF of 8 years will be separating at the end of this lease. Because I obsess over things I have allowed this to occupy a lot of my ...