What I Like

I'm an April fool.

And an always fool, probably.

There's that moment, sometimes, when a friend has left your apartment, and you realize, to your utter dismay, that you left a sex toy out in the bathroom. And their boyfriend used your bathroom.

As a rule I try to pretend I'm asexual around my friend's boyfriends. As a fact I am often not interested either way. So this has shattered a visage I wasn't prepared to throw away.

I've been thinking a lot about what constitutes a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship lately. I think it starts with hanging out every day. Then there's often a sexual aspect. Sharing interests. Meeting parents. Meeting friends. Sharing friends. Celebrating holidays together. I think couples costumes are a pretty big indicator that you're dating. Sleeping over. And then if it's serious you get to keep things at the other person's home and get a key. Someone only allows you to share their space when they're not in it if it's pretty serious, I have found. Taking trips is another big thing. Celebrating holidays with each other's family. Meeting the person's kids if they have any. Then, moving in together is a big move. That usually starts with a drawer and some sheets.

A lot of it comes down to what kind of shared experiences you're willing to have, I think.

The last person to meet my parents was Gilbert. I don't know how I made the leap from walking late at night past donut shops to the sound of Beirut to Myex' apartment to living with him. I don't think I've ever truly shared friends with an ex. Gilbert hung out with some male friends, but I think the moment they became close those friends became my acquaintances. Bros over hos and whatnot. Sharing interests can be hard if it's not something you already liked or believed in separately. People like to experience things that are in their own wheelhouse and once you begin to deviate too far it's a rare sort of person that will be welcoming to this intrusion on their headspace. I've celebrated holidays, slept over, met parents myself, and took trips. I've never worn a couple's costume. I watched a kid. I had shared space. Again, I'm not sure where that transition took place.

I think I know how people edge into relationships now. Being 28 I should hope so.

So I think I know what to avoid.

I think sexting is a pretty good start to a non-relationship. Keeping interactions to a minimum. Blowing people off when they chat at you. If you're not up to answering the phone or an unscheduled hang-out then the person you're talking to is definitely someone you don't want to be too close with. Short answers. Short and vague answers are the easiest way to show someone you've turned off. Refusing to pay compliments is another good way to disengage. Everyone digs for compliments sometimes- and it's also a nice human thing to just compliment people on the fly, if you refuse to participate in either with someone you're clearly defining a boundary. On the opposite end of falling into a relationship is sliding into ghosting. Sometimes you just don't have anything else to say. Then that goes on for too long, and things are over before they even got to sexting.

I think I'm in no position to move past sexual positions. And I'm still trying to wrap my head around reality in this new era of being on medication and half-asleep-half-awake all the time. I think sometimes people don't like to admit that they're dating, but I am not sure why. I don't want to be one of those people. So, I am glad I know what to avoid in order to maintain the adequate distance.

I spent a lot of today sick-napping. In a way that was far more scattered than usual. I don't seem to be able to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time. I feel like I am really getting to understand the world, though. I think that I am becoming far more rational in my actions. I used to be able to rationalize my feelings but allowed them to easily overtake my reactions. Lately I have been parsing through whether something I just did was justified much more quickly. I think I will be able to catch them ahead of the execution soon enough. I am measured when it comes to work, but in my personal life I am still quick to snap.

I'm also getting to a point, as we may have noticed from the start of this post, where I am beginning to enjoy my own body. I'm starting to find myself pretty more often than not without anyone's input. And I feel like I'm reclaiming my own sexuality that was pretty far repressed by the strict culture of my upbringing. As an ingenue my selling point was how "pure" I was and I have begun to regret this. This odd self-shaming way of sexualizing myself. I let it linger and infect my attitude toward sex for too long. I would recommend not treating your daughter's sexuality like a thing to be protected and ashamed of, it will work out a lot better for everyone involved in the long-run.

I'm glad to feel that even if I'm obsessing I am finding myself. Even if I miss something I am learning to be without it. Even if I am hurt I'm getting better.

Finally, my latest ear-worm has been:
 Which has a music video that I couldn't find to embed- mostly because I'm lazy and let Blogger do that for me- that really highlights how tiny Bruno Mars is. SO TINY!

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