I'm applying for a new major. International Relations and Global Studies- because I think it will help with my goal of going into immigration law.

Myex's daughter calls me Castle, and I have always enjoyed it but it has a new metaphorical flair. I feel like a castle, at one point important and well guarded, only to fall into ruin. Now through the nature of my being, and falling into disrepair, the paths around me are treacherous. There's no safe way to get close, but I long for someone to take me up as a historical site and restore things. I guess that's what I'm trying to do now. I've stumbled upon something that seemed to be forgotten and I'm trying to bring it back, not to it's former glory, I'll never be 16 again, but to something presentable. Something with character that other people might enjoy being around.

I'm starting to think this new era might not have a hand with old management. I don't think I can deal with Cancer Mom anymore, which is the grossest and most disappointing thing I have ever considered. I mean, my family has never been close, but I thought everyone was relatively well intentioned.  I am opening my eyes to the idea that we all might just be very selfish people with mental health issues that were thrown together through circumstance. That it's perhaps very possible we will never be beneficial to each other beyond this point.

The latest revelation came when I went to visit this weekend. I tried to see if she wanted to watch movies and she was not sold on it. Then around 7p she came in to watch SVU together, which is not really the kind of bonding I wanted to do, to be honest, but I couldn't complain. Until she started asking questions about my new medication and I became suspicious. Here I wonder if things didn't fall into some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy- because eventually her asking about my medication led back to her commenting on how it seems I gained weight. I assured her that I had not gained weight since the last time she saw me, and even if I had it wouldn't have mattered because I feel better. This wasn't good enough. Nothing has been good enough, I realized, and much like I am now trying to be better and finish school for myself- I'm going to have to like myself in my own way, without my mother's help.

It's not really what I want. My father mentioned it would be something I regretted if I did not have a good relationship with my mom and then she passed away. This is very true, but I already regret this and recognize that I cannot get this relationship alone. I can't control her or anyone else around me, so I have to learn to let go.

I once stopped to try to save a squirrel after I saw it get hit by a car. When I approached it and tried to move it out of the way I was horrified to see that it's brain was a bit loose from it's head. I still moved it out of the way but now I wonder if I should have left it to be put out of it's misery. I have learned recently from an essay by David Sedaris that I should keep a pillowcase in my car for this very reason.


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