Harlots is my newest infatuation. Jessica Brown Findlay was never my favorite Crawley sister (that was Mary, of course, though I also began to feel for Edith by the end) but she is amazing in this show. Powdered up like a sex-mime she smolders through every scene. Jutting out her chin she commands the men in her life with the gravity of her personality and sexuality. She's everything I want to be- insanely large wig, period clothes and all.

We're all harlots. I spent a good part of the last week and a half unintentionally leading a guy on. Sexting like crazy only to be unable to pull the trigger. It seems I am not ready to interact with other men in person just yet. So I have random boys texting me and because I don't save their numbers I never respond after the initial exchange. I'm a wretched soul.

But! I seem to be getting better at masturbating. I think I might have the female equivalent of premature ejaculation, but at least I'm exploring my own sexuality? I am finding it pretty empowering to explore my own body. I'm hoping knowing myself better will also eventually make me a better sexual partner. I highly recommend the practice. Getting to know one's self physically and mentally, I think, is a great way to become a better partner in general. I am confident taking this time is going to yield better results in my next relationship, though that might be the drugs talking.

The drugs are working out fantastically. I am beginning to foster a relationship with Stassney. She's terribly apologetic and I've tried to reassure her that I understand the large part that Myex played in their exchanges. I fear I fell into the old standard of holding the woman in an affair more culpable than the man. Then there is of course the part I played, it's not like we were always on great terms, though that doesn't entirely excuse things, it does provide a path toward understanding. I really want to understand each other in a way that we weren't capable of in the throes of chaos that threatened to pull us under when we were younger. There were so many problems to manage and we were so ill-equipped to manage them and our relationship at the same time. But we fought for each other valiantly for so long, I think that there was something to that.

Still, in the meantime, I have myself, and the many men I lead on...that seems to be the best arrangement for now. As a harlot. "Love doesn't exist for a harlot."- Harlots.

Another great quote: "Give me your money and I'll make you a man." It sounds like a Rihanna lyric. And, "I feel villainous." As I so often do.

I think I'll start drawing a heart over my beauty mark. As a signal of what I am inside.

In real exterior changes I found out today that I need glasses, so I did the only logical thing and excluded myself from the lyrics of a Nicki Minaj song. I now can afford Michael Kors without fucking Michael Kors. I got some cute cat-eye purple glasses with copper detailing that I don't look great in. I didn't look great in any of them, though. I think my face is just too round. Luckily I only have to wear them when I am at my computer or driving at night. I'm so excited to be able to drive more safely in the dark. I was beginning to fear the dark. The bright haloed headlights that fucked up my ability to gauge distance. They're slightly opulent though, and I do enjoy opulence.

I'm also working out during my lunch hour and in a dance class. I finally got a bit faster, but I still suck in a general sense at keeping up with the rest of the class. We are doing this:

It is incredibly hard. Especially when you are incredibly slow and have little technical dance experience. I've been doing it with Tehya and I don't think either of us knew what we were getting into. I definitely did not.

I don't think I ever have though.


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