Head Case

I've gotten a lot better at making pasta.

I use a timer now!

It's kind of ridiculous and amazing how easy things become with the right tools.

It's ridiculously amazing.

My mom is having her surgery on May 4th. I better not get any fucking Star Wars jokes.

Surprisingly, she's getting reconstructive surgery, too. I was not expecting her to do so, I sort of assumed she'd have no reason to. There's a part of me that worries this means my parents are still sexually active. There's another part of me that thinks it's probably just my mother's vanity. I think she has very specific ideas of who she is and as a woman that is a woman with two breasts. Maybe I'm wrong? I'm okay with that being the reason, though. I'm honestly okay with any reason. Bodily autonomy is super important.

My cat has begun throwing herself against the window sometimes. I suppose she sees something outside, but it's also possible she is losing her mind inside this small cage we reside in. I might be. After all, I think way too much about what my cat thinks.

I have renewed the lease, which means that I will not have to move and will be trapped here another year. With the kitten. Possibly until we die. However, I'm relieved that I no longer have to fear moving all the things I have accumulated in the last 10 months. I have bought so many things. Possibly, too many things. I think I may, sometimes, try to fill the void with things. I need to get rid of some of it, but my moods really seem to be evening out and the period of more manic episodes are fading away. I am once again unconcerned by the clutter of the house, for the most part. I also seem to try to fill the void with dick. I set-up my sex date again, in kind of a rage. A few days later, separated from the drama of Stassney and Myex, I regret it but feel like I can't back out again. Maybe it will be really good? I think it'll just be a one-time thing.

Headed back to the start- I think I'm finally figuring out the right tools to deal with all of this. Myex and I are family, so trust is the biggest thing I have to fall back on. In the metaphor of pasta I have been over-cooking the noodles this whole time by holding them to the fire too long. Or under-cooking when I threaten to pull away. The thing I have to focus on now is when I get worked up over Stassney I have to just wait for that to pass. It's not like reacting immediately is doing any good. Jealousy isn't a great seasoning. It's also just selfish and unproductive. If things are really that bad then I should just walk away. Maybe I should just walk away? I'm not sure. My impulse, and what I really want, is to forgive him and move on. To be the friends we weren't when we were together, because I think it's really only in the last couple of years that we've begun to really understand how much we love each other. I also just don't want to harbor negative feelings toward people forever.

Trying to humanize Stassney did backfire, but I think she's always been a special case.


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