Some Girl

I think I'm way too into teenage comedies. Some Girls was a delightful little coming-of-age story. The casting was fairly diverse, and the story centers on a black girl, which, traditionally doesn't happen in America unless the whole show is about being black. Or it's a Shonda Rhimes drama.

If I had to find a reason for my love of coming-of-age stories it's probably that I feel, sadly, I am still in the middle of mine. It's so fantastical to see people figuring their lives out. Becoming adults. Learning to be prepared and to roll with the punches. Life is always taking jabs, and it lands a few blows at first, but by the end of the series the lead always knows they'll be okay. Things always look bright and hopeful.

So here I am, practically a pharmacy with my pills pills pills [mood stabilizer, anxiety reducer, anti-psychotic and high cholesterol (because I eat fucking terribly)] and running around for years with a slight tremor, just waiting to fall apart.

The tremor thing is probably the most worrying and surprising. I knew I had it, but I kind of thought it wasn't a big deal. It still might not be! But at the insistence of my mother (the one I have been debating cutting out, but probably won't because I'm an idiot) I went to see a doctor and she gave me a neurologist referral. I still think it's probably benign and common. It's just a slight shaking when I am stressed or tired. Like maybe my brain has overheated and I'm glitching out. Although, there's a part of me that hopes it's serious. I almost want to have a deadline by which I have to get it together because I'm going to die. And this is why I watch shows for teens.

I'm fatalistic and moody.

I've been considering a lot lately my capacity for forgiveness. Where I give it and why. Where I ask for it and why. I think, cruelly, I am very stingy with forgiveness. I guess I tried to forgive Gilbert for cheating, but I think that's because I am pretty love starved and have already given up on my family as a venue in which I might find unconditional love. My mother's love is highly conditional. It's constantly being ripped from my grasp right when I think I might have done just the thing to earn it. I haven't forgiven my sister, but at this point I think I'm just being stubborn. I don't really know why I am distant beyond that I think we just grew apart. I don't know how to mend relationships very well, and I often don't try, so I think we'll just stay apart. I tried to forgive and get forgiveness from the friends I broke up with (or who broke up with me, whatever) but I think there's a mutual wall there. I don't really know how effective forgiveness is if it wasn't asked for at all. I get forgiven by Lies all the time. As well as Myex. I am trying to forgive Stassney. And my parents are on a plane beyond forgiveness. All I can do there is decide how much I can deal with and rotate between cutting them off and cautious interaction. The majority of people, though, end up like that. I just ice them out. Cut off all ties. Someone sends you enough photos of their hair without reciprocating the attention and you eventually get tired of it.

I wish there were a greater methodology than just how much I need people in my life at that moment. Than how willing I am to believe in someone loving me.

I think that's usually one of the first hurdles the heroine of a teen comedy gets past. They get their heart broken and they realize how much better they could have done after ramming themselves into a wall for a while. Then another hotter guy comes along who really is perfect for them, and when he's tempted he walks away, unlike the first douche.

I'm beginning to think that happy endings only exist on TV and in fictional tales about massage parlors.

I need to stop eating poorly. My heart already wants to give out, I shouldn't give it real reasons to.