I don't know why I just signed up for OkCupid.

I mean I do know why. I'm about to take the long break from Myex and I kind of want to try to eliminate him from my heart completely. Apparently, there's a lot of baggage. I might only want him because I don't like to lose. I might be a crazy person. I don't want to do this. I don't even want to date him right now, but I feel like I need to kill the deep desire I have to be with him again after law school. Or undergrad. Whenever I have more time and energy. Whenever I feel like a better person.

I'm terrible with his daughter, though. I burned that bridge when she was little because her dad and I fought often and I took it out on everything and everyone. I feel terrible about it. I became my mother. Withholding because I hated my life in general. I never wanted to be that way. I wonder now if my mother is bi-polar as well. I wonder about a lot of people being secretly bi-polar now that I'm finally on medication that seems to be working.

I want a better relationship with this little girl, too. I feel terrible that she is distant from me when I spent so much time caring for her. I miss taking her places and buying her things. I miss when she was little and I took her to the park. I took her to see an old friend recently and it was great. I hung out with her last summer and bought her a ton of pool toys and that was amazing. I feel pretty bad that I'm bad with kids and people in general. However, this is slightly different, and not because I love her father. Even during my break from her dad I want to try to rebuild a relationship with her. It might be that I just want to prove that I can be better than my mom. I want to prove I can be a good person and mirror in a positive way.

We're going to the ballet. We're going to the museum. I'm so excited. I'm so much more excited to show her the world than I am to go on a date. We're going on vacation. I have, since the moment I met her, thought of everything I wanted to do with her. I thought of a future of buying all her outfits. Of playing music. Of teaching her to draw. I want to make collages together. I want to paint and practice French. I want to go to Europe. I wanted to do simple things like go to the movies. I wanted to form traditions. I miss having traditions. I loved them when I was little... we'd go to the movies after Thanksgiving. I wanted so much, and I fucked it up because I thought I had to fight more than anything else.

I hate the idea of being walked all over.

So I had to fight. I couldn't be treated badly or ignored. I couldn't be less important and under-appreciated so I threw clothes into the living room, I made her dad pick her up when he had important things to do, I ignored her. Because I could always leave. Because I wasn't going to be her mom. Because I'm afraid of being hurt so I hurt others.

This has become a particularly hard thing for me recently because I have been trying to mend this relationship and it's not going as well as I first imagined. She definitely remembers my distancing from her. She loves talking now and showing me things sometimes, but she's distant, too. She also loves Stassney. Stassney got the happy moments. Stassney got to go places with her and not have to deal with the issues with her mom tearing their relationship apart. Stassney ignored the fights.

Stassney came over. I tried, again, to be friends. I still wanted to humanize her. In the end it didn't go well, and now I know she got the relationship I wanted. She didn't teach her French but she got all the hugs. All I want now is the hugs and I feel pathetic for it. I harbor a one-sided love for a child that isn't mine. And the worst part is that it hit me so unexpectedly. One day, I realized I hadn't seen her in a while. I was out on a walk with Myex that we usually took with her, and I realized I missed her.

Missing someone you didn't think you cared about has to be the worst feeling in the world.


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