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I Should File My Nails

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 I have started deleting photos. It's almost a year since I cut another person out of my life, and I wonder why I am always so lonely. I should probably find a way to bring this up in therapy. Things can't always be about work. Sometimes they have to be about your intolerance. I wonder if I should ever get rid of the photos of Isis. I loved Isis so much when she was alive. I mourned her so much when she died, and it was right around the first election of Donald Trump and my big breakup from Scott. Before I knew for sure he had been cheating on me the whole time and that Isis, unlike The Kitten, was an enabler. How can a cat be an enabler? Isis was a much friendlier cat than The Kitten. She loved everyone. She accepted everyone. This meant she didn't attack my enemies at the time. Which, is probably what I need around me, but she is gone now. And The Kitten has no problem with my prickly nature. The Kitten thinks other people who are not Collin are terrible and deserve ire. ...
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Wayward

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 I don't understand fashion. My apologies to Alexander McQueen stans, because apparently Alexander McQueen originated butt crack pants. And it was about female empowerment? And Scottishness? Highland Rape was the title of the fashion collection , and it's such a startling title I am struggling. It occurs to me that it took a really long time for me to learn anything about Alexander McQueen and by the time I got really into McQueen he was dying. I should learn more about the things I think I care about. Or at least, try to remember that information. Most of the information I retain is about death. So, you'd think I'd know more about other people who have also been obsessed with death. The interesting and multi-dimensional just make me feel guilty and jealous. I read a short article today that made me think more about the way that I learned about McQueen to begin with: magazines. The article was about this little shop  that focuses on print media and zines. The article sa...
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Alexander McQueen is Making Thong Pants

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 I feel like I could never fully articulate the level of betrayal I feel from the fashion industry sometimes. Irregular Choice shoes are going to stop selling their iconic insane maximalist bullshit. Heatherette, the fashion company of my secretly-a-theater-kid dreams went under in 2009, right before I started to earn enough money to even dream of buying their clothes. I guess, I could probably look for some of that shit on Depop- but let's be honest...there's no way they were making inclusive sizes at that point in the 2000s. Also, is anyone actually using Depop? I did download it, but much like Too Good To Go, I find the idea of actually using it a whole "thing". "Thing" being some artificial and undefinable barrier. When we reach "it's a whole thing" status, that is the exact point in which my desire to do or learn something hits up against my low capacity for risk and failure. But, I digress... Alexander McQueen is another fashion house tha...
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Bad Vibes

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 It's apparently been over a year since I have tried to write something personally. But, it's probably been way longer than that since I felt like writing a diary. And, the last time I tried writing creatively was definitely in the early 2020s.  Overall, I've shrunk.  Yet, I have been privately, constantly, been screaming. I have been spending so much of my time trying to insert myself in conversations and places in the name of taking up space. In therapy today I said that I didn't want to leave my job because I was worried if I didn't stand up to a workplace bully that there would be people who would have to deal with them after me. Do I really have to be the person fighting any particular fight though? Does anyone even really want me to? Who is asking me to do this beyond a previous version of myself that didn't realize this was a fight I would be in? If I'm being honest, I think I mostly act out of self interest. And I think people can smell it. The vibes...
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Murder on the Dance Floor

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 Love is Blind got crazy.  Spoilers for everything: If you haven't seen Saltburn, you should, if only to earn the last two minutes of Barry Keoghan dancing naked. It really is iconic. I have not been out dancing since before the PANDEMIC and MY ANXIETY IS HIGH. I mostly don't know how to be in public spaces. I am going out for a Saltburn emo disco. I better not see you there. My fervent hope is that because it has a $10 cover it will be slightly less crowded. I have planned an outfit I hope lives up to the spirit of scandal. Anyway, back on Love is Blind, I finally figured out these mostly square mostly white people are from North Carolina, which does make those facts make more sense. One of the things I hope to never forget was this guy telling his fiancee that if she "got out of shape" he would tell her to go to the gym. Unsurprisingly, this man did not say yes. I feel like she's going to take him back because she clearly has low self-esteem. I say this as game ...
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Love Is Blind

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 Love is Blind is what I am watching right now. It's scratching a morbid itch. I appreciate the neediness. I recognize it inside myself. The level of desperation that wants someone to choose them and also wants to have, potentially, the adoration of all Netflix subscribers. I remember the age I wanted to be famous. Sometimes I still dream of writing something so interesting and insightful I am catapulted into the spotlight as I assume Lena Dunham felt when she called herself the voice of our generation. Or whatever. Don't quote me on quoting her on that. I'm probably still at the age as well where I want someone to become obsessed with me. Yet, I'm also at an age where I feel deeply judgmental about this unhinged behavior in other people. I have a weird habit of repotting my plants without gardening gloves. So I have dirt under my nails. After getting ringworm from Little Gray Cat when she came inside, I realize that I am playing with ringworm fire. As with most things,...
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As It Was

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 Wow. It's been a really long time. I have 4 cats now. Still one boyfriend. 2 mostly virtual friends. 2 friends IRL, but at least 1 wants to leave. A job I possibly hate because I don't know where I fit in or how to be effective. It's probably been over a year since I had 5 friends. I grow more and more concerned that I cannot genuinely connect with the people I used to love. Even if we have similar political views we handle them in different ways. We have very different problems even though we're in ostensibly similar periods of life.  My life now is trapping and caring for community cats, and being equal parts over involved and flaking out on the community. Who even is the community? I think before the pandemic my friends were my community. I lived myopically. My vague sense of purpose to make things better in some undetermined way. I'd figure it out as I grew up, I guess. But now I am growing up, and the way to make a difference has never been so opaque. Around 1...
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