Soft Shock

January 6th:

Where are we now, at the tail end of the first week of 2017?

I am at a booth, in a MacDonald's, in a Walmart, typing at my dying phone. It's been a long week.

Contrary to popular opinion I have read about online, I do not like MacDonald's fries. I am sure I am fully disheveled. Having recently emerged from a dying car after sobbing over my own misfortune for 20 minutes- there's no way I look like a functioning adult woman. Or man. No flavor of adult.

Why are there onions on this wretched thing I ordered?

I've inconvenienced people today. I have been inconvenienced, but I don't know if it breaks even.

Let's start earlier- I suppose.

The week began, I may have mentioned, with a lazy last day of vacation. I'm not sure what I did. Watched the first season of Twin Peaks for the first time? Drank champagne alone- as I do too often these days.

I should not have ordered food, but I wanted an excuse to sit while I wait for my car. This burger, much like myself, is the opposite of good. If only my humor were as dry and tasteless, I might feel slightly better about my character.

I know now that rock-bottom tastes like a Big Mac.

January 15th:

A mere 9 days later and I have completely recovered from the last car care tragedy. Earlier this week my tire light came on, but I was able to resolve that one on my own yesterday! I realize now that I should also learn to jump my own car and get the equipment to do so in order to avoid calling my ex-boyfriend to bail me out of life's relatively easily resolved issues. One should only really go to their ex-boyfriend for the big things. Of course, it will probably be my ex-boyfriend who teaches me how to jump my car...but who cares really where knowledge comes from, right?

I am also partially recovered from the sinus infection that I developed shortly after the new year! I need to try a 10 mile run today because I have not attempted anything so close to the half-marathon I'm supposed to be doing next weekend. Mostly because of said sinus infection. It's also been intermittently cold or wet since I signed up for this thing almost a month ago. I've got excuses for days.  

Abed has the best T-shirts. I've started watching the last season of Community recently, and it's not as good as the earlier seasons, for sure, but I feel good about closing this chapter of my television education. 

Things have been relatively good lately so I think I have been a little unmotivated to write. That's kind of a shame, that I can only write when I am trying to sort through something. I mean, I definitely still have things I am trying to sort through, but for the most part things are running smoothly. Maybe?

I have had two therapy sessions. Mostly focused on what to do about interpersonal relationships. Is that what all therapy is about? Trying to decide how attached to get to your friends? Being recommended Ok Cupid? I briefly (for like, an hour) decided to get back into the dating scene, and then immediately realized I did not want that at all. I mean, I kind of do- I want love somewhat desperately, as we know...but I would rather want love less desperately than try to date. This is going to be the subject of my next therapy session. My therapist was too into the idea of getting me distracted. 

I have adopted a few distractions though! Namely, I started volunteering with this weird group of hippies that help feed the homeless vegan food. I sort of love the concept, and the people are really nice, I could see myself falling in love with their heavily 70s inspired cult, taking things too far, and then murdering people who can't make their own cashew cheese. Also trying to get more volunteering in with my BAE Planned Parenthood.

I also started practicing piano last night, finally. This really upset The Kitten, who, at one point, leapt onto my back with her claws out. So I think that's going really well. In somewhat related news I also sent a small sad recording of myself to a guy looking for a female vocalist. He responded! And then didn't. So we'll see if anything goes any further with that. I guess it's nice to slowly become the kind of person I'd like to end up with. If I can start getting on stage more and maybe be a little more confident that would probably be pretty cool. I did not talk at all to the people at the cult because I am still a shy mouse, skittering around, uncertain she belongs, hoping not to be stomped out for trespassing. I also have some art hanging in a cafe right now, so that's pretty weird. I doubt it will be sold, and honestly I think I am hoping it won't be so that I can give it away in the end. I think I prefer to do things that way, but I like the exposure. I hope to be one of those kooky prolific artists that people aren't really aware of until like 20 years after they've died, when someone finally goes to clear out the apartment, because they think they finally found a way to get the smell out, and there's just troves of work hiding in the walls and remnants of large anonymous mail-outs of weird tiny sketches. #livingthedream

The last bit of news is that I am apparently having my wisdom teeth removed on Tuesday. AND I am already being hella dramatic about it. I cannot wait to be on a ton of drugs and make horrible confessions to people that I will surely regret and have to deal with the fall-out of for the next few months. I've already been laying the ground work for disastrous interactions with the people I love by saying little things to undermine them around other people I love. Because I'm fun and complicated and like to self-sabotage! I assumed I could go into work the next day and, now, after several conversations with friends, I understand a little better why my boss seemed annoyed by the news. My plan at the moment is to try to go in the next day, and take my medication while I am there, so hopefully I am fine to drive to my psychiatrist appointment at 3pm. THERE'S NO WAY THIS COULD GO WRONG. On the brighter side- I have always assumed I'd die in a car crash.