Processing

2016
SURPRISE~!!

Last post was not the last post!! Are you incredibly excited? We get to continue this horrid journey together with no destination in sight?!

SO AM I!!!

I have had a few epiphanies in the last couple of days that might be swinging me back into a "manic" episode. One of which is that I am tired of my obsessive fucking guilt for doing things that I want to do that I think might make me feel better. The trigger for this has been a few terrible conversations I have had in the past couple of days- which ended in the decision to go to therapy and distance myself from my family for a while. From most people. As though they are the problem...

2017:
Things are ever changing, but I come back, always, to a couple of base desires: to be kind, to be happy, to be loved. These are things I have been trying to achieve for the bulk of my 28 years of consciousness and I honestly feel no closer to any of them. Or to anyone.

My bed smells slightly of burnt cloth because I buried my charger and it started to over-heat against the sheets. I had a sinus infection, probably still have, but I have been steadily dosing myself with NyQuil and I think that's going well.

In my time at home I have started watching a few movies and I think I've come to a greater understanding of modern romance. I think the most romantic thing that one can do is to fall completely in love with the idea of someone, with no context as to their true nature, and to hold on to that idea well into the relationship, often to it's detriment. I think that's the vision of love I've been absorbing. People as projects. People as things to throw yourself into, to get lost in, but never connect with in a more meaningful way than a supreme and immediate connection that is likely little more than lust.

I still feel deficient here- I have been mulling things over and I think that men can more easily compartmentalize encounters into lust. Or maybe I'm just much worse at compartmentalizing than the guys that come in and out of my life. It's probably not fair to sex-positive women to assume they can't just as easily have non-committal sex.

I ordered out for lunch.

Hot and sour soup, which came with rice, and a sticky rice with custard for dessert. I enjoyed dessert more because the soup was heavily flavored with cilantro, which is the worst of all herbs. The sticky rice was made with coconut milk and I have no idea what the custard was but they complimented each other fabulously.

I'm no longer as terribly dizzy. All I can think is- if you're trying to push me away it's working very well. It just keeps repeating in my head. I'm going to see a therapist for the first time in over ten years tomorrow. And then in two weeks I see a psychiatrist.  Well, a physician's assistant in a psychiatrist's office...so I'll likely be back on medications in no time...and then maybe I can make some progress, and love someone after getting to know them.

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