Day 2

The kitten has become more comfortable. She is walking around the apartment more. She lays, stretched out, across the middle of the room. She finally ate. She finally used her new litter box.

It's only been a few minutes since I woke up but I think the uncontrollable sobbing has stopped. My chest is heavy, but the recurring thoughts of my last hours with her body are no longer bringing tears. I hope, still, that she didn't suffer, but I know this is knowledge I may never have.

I finally looked up how long it takes for rigor mortis to set in- and, if the internet is to be believed, it's somewhere between 3-8 hours. Meaning she could have died around six in the morning, or she could have been dying while I was there. I keep trying to wrack my brain for memories of the last moments I was in the house, but I was so tired. I keep telling myself she was laying right by me before I left. I remember- don't I? Thinking it was weird that she was being so permissive of me lying down right next to her. Typically, when laying slightly on her, as I was, she would shift and stir and eventually begin roaming around for attention. Sometimes she would be good, though. It wasn't that weird. It wasn't a sign. And she was definitely there, right?

I just regret not having paid more attention to her that night. Maybe giving her cat nip? Playing with the lazer?

I also looked up her equivalent age. She was young, but not that young. Around middle age? 48. That's fairly young, but not a life cut tragically short. I am still 20 years away from that age, and 20 years is such a long time. I don't know why I would have believed she would make it with me to that age. Even the kitten won't make that trip with me. Apparently she's about 40.

I guess, all things considered, that was the best night. Maybe she had been fading for a while, but I hadn't been home since Monday. I am glad she and I were at least in the same space again shortly before she left. She probably would have been unhappy with how small the new apartment is. She didn't like riding in cars and she didn't like baths and those were both part of the moving plans. So, she at least avoided some unnecessary stress. She was found laying in a pile of clothes, and she really enjoyed laying on top of things, so hopefully she was comfortable.

I hope now that her spirit is free she is traveling quite a bit, but still tethered in some way to the kitten and I. I'm more keen on the idea of an afterlife because I would like to hear her distinctive meow again and for the rest of eternity.


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