I'm Fucked

Surprisingly, in the weeks since my last post I have had probably the most eventful period in recent history.

At some point I will have to document all of this thoroughly, but a short recap:

1. I went on a few more dates, I think. At least talked to several more guys online and eventually realized that I am unhappy with the field of dating so I bought my first vibrator. This is still in a mailbox that I haven't checked- probably since the last time I posted. I am very bad about checking my mail at this new apartment.

2. I attempted to go on a trip by myself after being cancelled on by two of my closest friends. One of the cancellations was slightly more upsetting than the other, but the most upsetting part was hitting a rock in the first hour of driving. I blew out two tires and the whole thing cost $1,200 plus two reservations that I could not get refunded.

3. Which led to three- I got a side job! I now grocery shop for other people for minimum wage in my free time to pay down my many debts.

4. I negotiated at my regular job because I was going to have to leave it for a some random tech contract work to find a livable wage.

5. I went to a sex party! It was insane. And kind of awful. But not much more so than regular dating.

6. I am in the process of creating several databases.

7. I got back into UT.

Which brings me back to my title. I am fucked.

I did not realize when reapplying to UT what my GPA there was. It's low. Very, very low. And today, using their GPA calculator to research before going into an advising session tomorrow, I realized I will not be able to bring it up to over a 3.0 after 2 semesters with all As. This basically derails my entire plan.

No integrated MBA.

No law school.

No honors.

I'm fucked.

And now I sit with the knowledge that my reckless and cyclical way of living is quite possibly never going to be something I can pull myself out of...at least not in the way I currently planned to. I mean, I am trying to be more fluid- as though that might change my never-evolving nature- but I now have to measure any further planning against the fact that my final GPA may not reflect the person I am now. Not that GPAs are really all the reflective of anything anyway? I mean, scholastic achievement does not always equate to real world competency- but at this point this is all much more for myself than for anything else.

I want to feel like I can succeed. In small ways, I do...like negotiating my pay rates and bringing new technologies in my workplace, but I also recognize that this is not considered particularly significant to most of the people around me. More so, this is something I am probably still being under-paid for because I don't hold a degree.

So I guess, at this point, I just want to feel like I can do better. Earn better. That I'm not just a series of reckless mistakes founded on emotional instability and lower socioeconomic status. I want to live the fake American dream, and for a second there, it felt like I could.


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