More On Coping With Death

The kitten is terrified by the noise of her new neighbors.

I can't stop thinking that Isis might have helped her transition better. Or maybe Isis would have been equally scared and confused, but now in a much smaller space.

I took some of my medication and inactivated all of my social media outlets with the exception of Twitter.

I pulled the kitten out from under the sink. I realized in doing so that no one will try to pull me from under the sink. No one will try to help me navigate this new scary reality in which the things I love can stop being. People give their condolences...but these are platitudes. They apologize for my grief but don't want to look directly at it and pass on into the wider, brighter, ocean.

I can't blame them. I have never known how to react to the sadness generated by the loss of other's loved ones. I had no idea what it would feel like up until now.

I wonder how long this will weigh on me. I can only imagine that this will burden me for the rest of my life and just grow heavier with each thing I lose. The medication I think sobered me a little. I considered taking a lot of it. I considered whether that would end it. I don't know if it would be ok to do that to the kitten. I don't know if she understands that Isis will never be back...but she definitely fears this new space she has been brought to.

I turned off my phone.

Next door they are having a party. There is music and laughter.

Tonight my sister should be singing her heart out. Her birthday was yesterday. I was on my way to see her in Houston when I got the news.

Other people move on, not knowing that my world is shaded, slightly dampened and suffocating.

I just want someone to pull me out from under the sink.

But no one is as selfishly concerned with my well-being as I am with the kitten's.

I also resent her a bit for a trait I used to love- she looks so much like Isis. A part of me is uncertain of how to look at her without being reminded and torn apart all over again.

I should have drunk more but I feel nauseous now.

This has definitely been the worst year of my life, which I guess I should take well...

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