I've Been Big and Small and Big and Small Again
I slept most of yesterday through terrible cramps and back pain I don't normally associate with my periods. At some point, a long time ago, when I had an IUD in, I was told I had some cysts, but I am pretty sure they said it was because of the IUD. I was put on a low-dose birth control to try to regulate things. The IUD slipped and had to come out anyway. The point of this being that I think I'm going to have to go see a gyno soon and I am really unhappy about having to cover the cost. The specialist visit at the school will be $40...which is not a lot...but is a lot when you're constantly in the hole.
I think about and over spend money all the time. It's my hobby at this point.
I'm trying to make new friends. Which means new friend dates. And then there's the problem of old friends. And they all have kids and they all have birthdays this month. And I felt bad giving out more paintings. And I have my own party to throw with the friends I actually like. And one of my bipolar symptoms is regularly blowing money...at least it's not blowing dudes tho, right? (Cause sexcapades is also a thing bipolar people get into.)
Compulsive shit.
I'm getting over some compulsive shit. In a new round of just blurting out things here. I keep thinking about going through and editing things again...but I know I'm kind of close to the almost year long apology tour I did for Scott and I can't think about the way I thought then. There's a large part of me that wonders if I will suddenly make a lot of sense. There's a part of me that's worried I changed the narrative sort of spontaneously and that I'll read things and be reminded that I loved him and that was real and we were good together and meant to be...none of which is accurate. There's probably stuff about how we hurt each other that is true, but a lot of it is gas-lighting nonsense...made even worse by the fact that he at some point in our relationship introduced me to the term.
This is coming up because I was briefly on Tinder. Which happened because I was having a K-Drama moment. K-Drama moments are adorable and make me want to learn to speak Korean and cook Korean food, but also very bad for my child-like sponge brain. Everything is so slow moving and sweet in a borderline abusive way. Guys are almost always making fun of, exploiting, controlling or isolating the girls they are falling for in these things. They are typically their bosses or people who have a lot of money and can potentially ruin their families. It's great because they are both the obstacle and key to all forward momentum for this girl, and they'll kiss and give in and the girl will grow and leave for a year or something then come back to a happily ever after. The separations aren't really a thing any more, actually. They used to be. Amnesia is still a big thing though. The guy who was kind of cruel and distant finally wins her over just to forget he wanted her in the first place and then some bitch sneaks in to stir up shit for a couple of episodes. I don't love the amnesia, but I have a strange fascination with everything else. An unhealthy fixation. I think outside of Hannibal and Killing Eve most American romances do not involve that level of manipulation and dedication to winning someone over. People don't scheme a lot in rom-coms. The craziest part of these shows is the idea that they are cutesy rom-com-dramas. Behind all of these scenes of getting to know each other and falling in love after brushing hands is a serial killer on the loose that threatens them all! And ghosts! Truly, there is nothing in American television that can compare.
Perhaps that's why there's nothing in dating that can compare. I need the kidnapper. I need the ghosts. Without the ghosts there's no reason for a hot billionaire to fall into my lap. I am still pretty salty about the ending of the new season of Aggretsuko, by the way. It was so close to my life before she fucked it all up by determining that she really wants a husband and kids more than anything else, like a basic bitch. Like, Aggretsuko- listen to Washimi. Her lewk is on fleek. She has her shit together. She probably knows what having a kid looks like, and you are not being given enough detail. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY YOU DUMB LITTLE RACCOON?! Child birth is horrifying. No one should do it. I never will. I feel like I bring this up a lot, but I am not doing so in a "oh, it'll happen when you least expect it and stop hoping for it" way. I legitimately do not ever want to carry a child because I watched Jane the Virgin and I know that you have to put on an ice diaper. Everyone knows that you will probably shit yourself. I can't even deal with being uncomfortable for 4 days of a period. I've been considering just having the eggs out. Just scoop em all out. With a melon baller for all I care. If I had the insurance I probably would. BECAUSE IT'S NOT HAPPENING.
Anyway...I've been side tracked. On another note, though. I also aggressively dislike the sound of children. In public places. I will decide not to go to a place if I think there may be a lot of children there. I don't think they should be taken into stores. I know it's not fair. I know it would be a burden for people because of our childcare system...but I would rather pay obscenely high taxes so that small things that make a lot of noise because they're simply not at the age where they'd know better can be kept somewhere else while the adults are out. Child care centers should be a plentiful. One, very well sound insulated, on every corner! I don't want to like, do away with all children...I just want them out of my sight as much as possible. And if at the same time someone is teaching them french or to play piano then I think that's a win for everyone. This is my platform for the 2020 Presidential Race. I hope you'll donate below.
BUT- back to the dating thing. I am sure I have mentioned that I like to sometimes play roulette and see who is the hottest person I can get. Some have been terribly attractive. Like, I'm probably being cat-fished attractive. I guess, though, there is a something to be said for being cute enough for someone to try to catfish you? It's a momentary ego boost. A second of a self-confidence booster before I wonder if they did that thing I do sometimes where I'm hitting too many gross profiles so I swipe on someone who's just kind of okay. Believe me, I fully recognize all of this is terrible and I sound terrible, and you know what - I have very infrequently claimed not to be terrible. This is what you came for, as the song goes. So, I convince myself they're not real swipes and mostly don't engage in conversations with the people who start them because I usually don't actually want to have anything to do with them. It's not like any of it is particularly stimulating. It's some variation of "Hey beautiful" "Sup" or "I just want to get this out of the way, I feel like I should be real, I'm not looking for anything serious." That last one is always pretty irritating because in my profile I do say I don't want anything serious- so, I guess they think I might be trying to trap someone? I think that's also probably part of why I get some of the cuter guys I do, they are probably just down to bone.
I mean, I know they're just down to bone. I took the rare step to talking to some of the guys I matched recently. As I mentioned, I was coming down from a K-Drama bender and apparently ovulating or something because I did just start my period. This terrible combination of circumstances led to exactly 5 conversations. One I was enjoying, with a guy who wasn't that cute but had a cute PowerPoint joke in his profile. He ghosted after I didn't answer him at 11pm. One was visiting from an artist residency in Denver. His personality seemed to be entirely made up of spelling the word "kool." Unless that's how we spell it now, in which case apologies to Kool Guy. One started pretty innocent, and I gave him my number because I hate having to go back into the app all the time...his first text was a joke about sending a wave of dick pics. So, I was swooning. Which is as lazy a joke as the one he made. This quickly escalated to the next trash statement that comes from these dudes: "Feel free to send pics when you have the time." I stopped responding. He asked if I was scared off. Unwilling to appear the coward I politely explained he had not, I was busy doing homework and watching Portlandia. He later said, "Fred and Carrie are great but I'm going to need you to focus" and that is when I deleted his number after taking a screenshot for the girls. The level of confidence from mid-tier white men is astounding. Oh, you're a freelance artist?! I don't think I can drop these panties fast enough.
And I want to be the style of obnoxious that writes a paragraph of warning in their profile like guys will. The number of "I'm not looking to adopt a ho" or "No gold diggers" is flummoxing. I had to screenshot a guy who included, "Don't even swipe right if I can't choke you during sex." Which, I guess, does get that out of the way... There was also a profile picture I had the honor of scrolling past that was just this guy holding a woman upside down as he ate her out. This is pretty impressive, and maybe something I would like to try, but certainly not something I was prepared to see at the time.
Another guy somehow got me to actually meet him. It was a numbers game, I think. At the time I was not in the worst mood. He asked about watching stuff at his place, which is definitely a red flag, but he said specifically "maybe we'll order food"- which gave me the impression that he truly meant we'd just hang without sexpectations. It was also about a week after I fell down the stairs...so I was weakened. By the time it rolled around I was less into the idea, but Ryan thought it would be interesting and I talk to her all day so I feel obligated to do some things she'll find interesting. I suppose it was.
I got to his apartment and he was being housed at a dorm on campus while he did some work for a non-profit there. This was also part of why I felt like meeting him would be fine. He mentioned going to volunteer at this STEM thing for kids, and while I don't like kids I do appreciate them being taught things. It's the surest way to keep them from staying annoying. The first red flag was that there was no parking. It was a full-on dorm on campus, which I did not know it would be, and the parking in front of it was $5 dollars. Regardless of how much time you planned to stay there. (I was there less than an hour.) He suggested I park in a parking lot where there were clear parking permit requirements, and having fallen down a flight of stairs a little over two weeks before I decided not to push my luck. (Until my pinky is normal pretty much all time is being counted by it's distance from my "accident") So I paid $5 on top of buying an $8 bottle of wine that had to be snuck in...because this was a dorm. I would have been concerned that he was a lot younger if I cared or thought anything was going to happen. I had wanted to bail before, and I wanted to bail even more so every minute that was passing, but I did that awful thing I tend to do where I tell myself I should not just bail and should instead give things a chance. The lesson at the end of this, if you'd like to stop reading now, is to NEVER GIVE THINGS A CHANCE, CHILDREN. JUST BAIL.
We get to his room, and it's not unfurnished, but it's only really got the things that were I guess provided by the dorm? Which, I mean, sex wasn't really on the table, but sex in a dorm when I'm edging on 31 was DEFINITELY not on the table. I'm well past the age where I'm cool with fucking on a twin bed. Unless some exceptionally hot aloof secret billionaire donkey asks, but this was not that situation. I am not Aggretsuko. We like, chat about the weather, he starts putting on music made by African artists and I will admit the music was pretty poppin...but not really what we agreed on. He asks me to put something I like on, and I tell him pretty openly, that what I normally listen to and will think of off the top of my head will be melancholy. So Sufjan Stevens goes on as we're chatting about whatever...he switches it back to his music, which is probably for the best- and he starts dancing. I feel I should mention, what might have been assumed, but the lack of things in the dorm also meant a lack of dishes. So, he somehow had Chik-fil-a cups, which was problematic on it's own because we're very #cancelChikFilA right now, and I was drinking my wine out of a stolen restaurant cup. At least, I believed it to be fresh because it came out of plastic...so, I gave him that point at least? So, he's dancing, I'm curled into myself unsure of where to look because I didn't ask for this and I am not going to dance in a completely empty, fully lit dorm with some guy who said he'd been there for a week but somehow did not even move over tableware?! He sits down to chat some more, and I realize, to my horror, the he has been discreetly unbuttoning his shirt the entire time we've been talking. I finish my styrofoam wine and excuse myself. I should have said I wanted to leave "because I fucking hate you and please reimburse me this was not worth $5," but part of being a woman is recognizing that you're not really at liberty to say what you're thinking when you've allowed yourself to be taken alone behind a locked door. I take way too many murder-risks for someone who has seen as much SVU as I have. So, I say I have to wake up super early, he looks annoyed and concedes to ending the night and escorting me out. On the way down he says, "Don't worry, we can do this again." I nod and reassure him that is the case so that I am not murdered in the elevator. I stop on the way home to get myself an individual bottle of wine and stay up until 4 in the morning getting drunk and dyeing my hair. I did have work the next morning, this was not a lie, and I was terribly hung-over. At some point he asks if I made it home okay, which was nice, and then followed with "I thought you were going to spend the night. lol."
lol indeed, my friend. lol, indeed.
My immediate reaction to all of this is to wonder who this works on? Who is out there so uncaring about where they get their dick from that other women have to put up with this? If it didn't land, I have to assume that there would be a change in strategy. Unless I was part of the new roll-out? If not, he's taken someone home before and discreetly undressed as though to hypnotize someone into having sex with him? I would be so entranced by his dancing I wouldn't notice that he was naked? And then I would maybe feel like I should be naked too? And if we're both naked and he's got those sick beats going- well...what else could we do? An object in motion will remain in motion. He would know. He's an engineer. I need to know if the women who this has worked on have more or less self-esteem than I do. I want to know if I did not give in because I am an uppity bitch with no chill. I want to believe I am fun and open to things.
I am probably not fun or open to things.
The final conversation that was truly a conversation was with this incredibly handsome Asian guy. Like...all abs. I'm not really into built dudes, but I can appreciate slim-cut pieces of meat. He had a nice face. Looked good in a suit. Obviously not someone I should be able to get in real life. We chatted. He asked to hang. I gave him my number. He asked for pics. This was after just having been sexually harassed, so, obviously...I sent him a pic. Not a naked pic, just of what I did to my hair. He said I looked great. A day later I get a picture of "him" in a mirror showing off his pelvic bone and asking for maybe a full body pic? And here is where I want to put my own obnoxious disclaimer on my profile- because I AM NOT HERE FOR FREE SEX WORK. Like, go to PornHub dude. It's totally free now. Join a kink site. I don't know what to tell you, but the internet is real and there are a lot of avenues for you to find naked women. They are probably getting ad revenue even if you're seeing it for free, and if I send you something I am not. Sending naked pictures of myself does not get me off anymore. I recognize my body has value and there's definitely a chance that you stop talking to me after I send you a picture. Beyond that, you can probably find naked pictures of me on the internet anyway. So, no, I am not going to spend 30 minutes to an hour doing my make-up, fixing my hair, trying to find the right light and the right position, the right background and decide if I want to be fully nude or in some sort of lingerie for some rando. None of you are that hot anymore. None! I can also go to PornHub. I can mute a shower scene in a K-Drama and I own a vibrator. You. Are. Not. Necessary.
But putting bitter blurbs into a profile isn't fun. At that point, why are you even there? So, I'm not.
I switched to Bumble BFF...and that's it's own weird thing now.
We'll talk about that later.
The last guy, because I said there were 5, was not a real conversation.
I swiped on a guy I was pretty sure I worked with when I was a teenager and got nepotismed into a PA gig on a TV Judge show. It was a pretty fun gig. Would do it again. And the people there were mostly nice. I spent a lot of my time talking to this guy named Alex...and this girl who I may have gone to a glass house with, but I have a really bad memory and that might have been a drunken illusion. Anyway, the guy was nice. Nerdy. Un-threatening. I was probably a terror. I probably talked about Gilbert all the time. Or just crazy shit I wanted to write about. I spent a lot of time just drawing because a lot of the gig was babysitting audience members while they weren't taping. There's no reason for me to think that this guy enjoyed my company as much as I was okay with his. But- I like stupid K-Dramas and one of the other plot lines that is pervasive in them is the "destined encounters" one. Everyone has either met in the past or grown-up together. Even if they didn't realize they met in the past they met in the past and somehow changed each other's lives forever.
So, I thought it would be cute to hang out with this guy. At the very least I thought I might be able to actually talk to him and perhaps be friends again.
He did not respond. lol
I feel like I've used this song before, but I still feel it, so I'll share it again.
I think about and over spend money all the time. It's my hobby at this point.
I'm trying to make new friends. Which means new friend dates. And then there's the problem of old friends. And they all have kids and they all have birthdays this month. And I felt bad giving out more paintings. And I have my own party to throw with the friends I actually like. And one of my bipolar symptoms is regularly blowing money...at least it's not blowing dudes tho, right? (Cause sexcapades is also a thing bipolar people get into.)
Compulsive shit.
I'm getting over some compulsive shit. In a new round of just blurting out things here. I keep thinking about going through and editing things again...but I know I'm kind of close to the almost year long apology tour I did for Scott and I can't think about the way I thought then. There's a large part of me that wonders if I will suddenly make a lot of sense. There's a part of me that's worried I changed the narrative sort of spontaneously and that I'll read things and be reminded that I loved him and that was real and we were good together and meant to be...none of which is accurate. There's probably stuff about how we hurt each other that is true, but a lot of it is gas-lighting nonsense...made even worse by the fact that he at some point in our relationship introduced me to the term.
This is coming up because I was briefly on Tinder. Which happened because I was having a K-Drama moment. K-Drama moments are adorable and make me want to learn to speak Korean and cook Korean food, but also very bad for my child-like sponge brain. Everything is so slow moving and sweet in a borderline abusive way. Guys are almost always making fun of, exploiting, controlling or isolating the girls they are falling for in these things. They are typically their bosses or people who have a lot of money and can potentially ruin their families. It's great because they are both the obstacle and key to all forward momentum for this girl, and they'll kiss and give in and the girl will grow and leave for a year or something then come back to a happily ever after. The separations aren't really a thing any more, actually. They used to be. Amnesia is still a big thing though. The guy who was kind of cruel and distant finally wins her over just to forget he wanted her in the first place and then some bitch sneaks in to stir up shit for a couple of episodes. I don't love the amnesia, but I have a strange fascination with everything else. An unhealthy fixation. I think outside of Hannibal and Killing Eve most American romances do not involve that level of manipulation and dedication to winning someone over. People don't scheme a lot in rom-coms. The craziest part of these shows is the idea that they are cutesy rom-com-dramas. Behind all of these scenes of getting to know each other and falling in love after brushing hands is a serial killer on the loose that threatens them all! And ghosts! Truly, there is nothing in American television that can compare.
Perhaps that's why there's nothing in dating that can compare. I need the kidnapper. I need the ghosts. Without the ghosts there's no reason for a hot billionaire to fall into my lap. I am still pretty salty about the ending of the new season of Aggretsuko, by the way. It was so close to my life before she fucked it all up by determining that she really wants a husband and kids more than anything else, like a basic bitch. Like, Aggretsuko- listen to Washimi. Her lewk is on fleek. She has her shit together. She probably knows what having a kid looks like, and you are not being given enough detail. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOUR BODY YOU DUMB LITTLE RACCOON?! Child birth is horrifying. No one should do it. I never will. I feel like I bring this up a lot, but I am not doing so in a "oh, it'll happen when you least expect it and stop hoping for it" way. I legitimately do not ever want to carry a child because I watched Jane the Virgin and I know that you have to put on an ice diaper. Everyone knows that you will probably shit yourself. I can't even deal with being uncomfortable for 4 days of a period. I've been considering just having the eggs out. Just scoop em all out. With a melon baller for all I care. If I had the insurance I probably would. BECAUSE IT'S NOT HAPPENING.
Anyway...I've been side tracked. On another note, though. I also aggressively dislike the sound of children. In public places. I will decide not to go to a place if I think there may be a lot of children there. I don't think they should be taken into stores. I know it's not fair. I know it would be a burden for people because of our childcare system...but I would rather pay obscenely high taxes so that small things that make a lot of noise because they're simply not at the age where they'd know better can be kept somewhere else while the adults are out. Child care centers should be a plentiful. One, very well sound insulated, on every corner! I don't want to like, do away with all children...I just want them out of my sight as much as possible. And if at the same time someone is teaching them french or to play piano then I think that's a win for everyone. This is my platform for the 2020 Presidential Race. I hope you'll donate below.
BUT- back to the dating thing. I am sure I have mentioned that I like to sometimes play roulette and see who is the hottest person I can get. Some have been terribly attractive. Like, I'm probably being cat-fished attractive. I guess, though, there is a something to be said for being cute enough for someone to try to catfish you? It's a momentary ego boost. A second of a self-confidence booster before I wonder if they did that thing I do sometimes where I'm hitting too many gross profiles so I swipe on someone who's just kind of okay. Believe me, I fully recognize all of this is terrible and I sound terrible, and you know what - I have very infrequently claimed not to be terrible. This is what you came for, as the song goes. So, I convince myself they're not real swipes and mostly don't engage in conversations with the people who start them because I usually don't actually want to have anything to do with them. It's not like any of it is particularly stimulating. It's some variation of "Hey beautiful" "Sup" or "I just want to get this out of the way, I feel like I should be real, I'm not looking for anything serious." That last one is always pretty irritating because in my profile I do say I don't want anything serious- so, I guess they think I might be trying to trap someone? I think that's also probably part of why I get some of the cuter guys I do, they are probably just down to bone.
I mean, I know they're just down to bone. I took the rare step to talking to some of the guys I matched recently. As I mentioned, I was coming down from a K-Drama bender and apparently ovulating or something because I did just start my period. This terrible combination of circumstances led to exactly 5 conversations. One I was enjoying, with a guy who wasn't that cute but had a cute PowerPoint joke in his profile. He ghosted after I didn't answer him at 11pm. One was visiting from an artist residency in Denver. His personality seemed to be entirely made up of spelling the word "kool." Unless that's how we spell it now, in which case apologies to Kool Guy. One started pretty innocent, and I gave him my number because I hate having to go back into the app all the time...his first text was a joke about sending a wave of dick pics. So, I was swooning. Which is as lazy a joke as the one he made. This quickly escalated to the next trash statement that comes from these dudes: "Feel free to send pics when you have the time." I stopped responding. He asked if I was scared off. Unwilling to appear the coward I politely explained he had not, I was busy doing homework and watching Portlandia. He later said, "Fred and Carrie are great but I'm going to need you to focus" and that is when I deleted his number after taking a screenshot for the girls. The level of confidence from mid-tier white men is astounding. Oh, you're a freelance artist?! I don't think I can drop these panties fast enough.
And I want to be the style of obnoxious that writes a paragraph of warning in their profile like guys will. The number of "I'm not looking to adopt a ho" or "No gold diggers" is flummoxing. I had to screenshot a guy who included, "Don't even swipe right if I can't choke you during sex." Which, I guess, does get that out of the way... There was also a profile picture I had the honor of scrolling past that was just this guy holding a woman upside down as he ate her out. This is pretty impressive, and maybe something I would like to try, but certainly not something I was prepared to see at the time.
Another guy somehow got me to actually meet him. It was a numbers game, I think. At the time I was not in the worst mood. He asked about watching stuff at his place, which is definitely a red flag, but he said specifically "maybe we'll order food"- which gave me the impression that he truly meant we'd just hang without sexpectations. It was also about a week after I fell down the stairs...so I was weakened. By the time it rolled around I was less into the idea, but Ryan thought it would be interesting and I talk to her all day so I feel obligated to do some things she'll find interesting. I suppose it was.
I got to his apartment and he was being housed at a dorm on campus while he did some work for a non-profit there. This was also part of why I felt like meeting him would be fine. He mentioned going to volunteer at this STEM thing for kids, and while I don't like kids I do appreciate them being taught things. It's the surest way to keep them from staying annoying. The first red flag was that there was no parking. It was a full-on dorm on campus, which I did not know it would be, and the parking in front of it was $5 dollars. Regardless of how much time you planned to stay there. (I was there less than an hour.) He suggested I park in a parking lot where there were clear parking permit requirements, and having fallen down a flight of stairs a little over two weeks before I decided not to push my luck. (Until my pinky is normal pretty much all time is being counted by it's distance from my "accident") So I paid $5 on top of buying an $8 bottle of wine that had to be snuck in...because this was a dorm. I would have been concerned that he was a lot younger if I cared or thought anything was going to happen. I had wanted to bail before, and I wanted to bail even more so every minute that was passing, but I did that awful thing I tend to do where I tell myself I should not just bail and should instead give things a chance. The lesson at the end of this, if you'd like to stop reading now, is to NEVER GIVE THINGS A CHANCE, CHILDREN. JUST BAIL.
We get to his room, and it's not unfurnished, but it's only really got the things that were I guess provided by the dorm? Which, I mean, sex wasn't really on the table, but sex in a dorm when I'm edging on 31 was DEFINITELY not on the table. I'm well past the age where I'm cool with fucking on a twin bed. Unless some exceptionally hot aloof secret billionaire donkey asks, but this was not that situation. I am not Aggretsuko. We like, chat about the weather, he starts putting on music made by African artists and I will admit the music was pretty poppin...but not really what we agreed on. He asks me to put something I like on, and I tell him pretty openly, that what I normally listen to and will think of off the top of my head will be melancholy. So Sufjan Stevens goes on as we're chatting about whatever...he switches it back to his music, which is probably for the best- and he starts dancing. I feel I should mention, what might have been assumed, but the lack of things in the dorm also meant a lack of dishes. So, he somehow had Chik-fil-a cups, which was problematic on it's own because we're very #cancelChikFilA right now, and I was drinking my wine out of a stolen restaurant cup. At least, I believed it to be fresh because it came out of plastic...so, I gave him that point at least? So, he's dancing, I'm curled into myself unsure of where to look because I didn't ask for this and I am not going to dance in a completely empty, fully lit dorm with some guy who said he'd been there for a week but somehow did not even move over tableware?! He sits down to chat some more, and I realize, to my horror, the he has been discreetly unbuttoning his shirt the entire time we've been talking. I finish my styrofoam wine and excuse myself. I should have said I wanted to leave "because I fucking hate you and please reimburse me this was not worth $5," but part of being a woman is recognizing that you're not really at liberty to say what you're thinking when you've allowed yourself to be taken alone behind a locked door. I take way too many murder-risks for someone who has seen as much SVU as I have. So, I say I have to wake up super early, he looks annoyed and concedes to ending the night and escorting me out. On the way down he says, "Don't worry, we can do this again." I nod and reassure him that is the case so that I am not murdered in the elevator. I stop on the way home to get myself an individual bottle of wine and stay up until 4 in the morning getting drunk and dyeing my hair. I did have work the next morning, this was not a lie, and I was terribly hung-over. At some point he asks if I made it home okay, which was nice, and then followed with "I thought you were going to spend the night. lol."
lol indeed, my friend. lol, indeed.
My immediate reaction to all of this is to wonder who this works on? Who is out there so uncaring about where they get their dick from that other women have to put up with this? If it didn't land, I have to assume that there would be a change in strategy. Unless I was part of the new roll-out? If not, he's taken someone home before and discreetly undressed as though to hypnotize someone into having sex with him? I would be so entranced by his dancing I wouldn't notice that he was naked? And then I would maybe feel like I should be naked too? And if we're both naked and he's got those sick beats going- well...what else could we do? An object in motion will remain in motion. He would know. He's an engineer. I need to know if the women who this has worked on have more or less self-esteem than I do. I want to know if I did not give in because I am an uppity bitch with no chill. I want to believe I am fun and open to things.
I am probably not fun or open to things.
The final conversation that was truly a conversation was with this incredibly handsome Asian guy. Like...all abs. I'm not really into built dudes, but I can appreciate slim-cut pieces of meat. He had a nice face. Looked good in a suit. Obviously not someone I should be able to get in real life. We chatted. He asked to hang. I gave him my number. He asked for pics. This was after just having been sexually harassed, so, obviously...I sent him a pic. Not a naked pic, just of what I did to my hair. He said I looked great. A day later I get a picture of "him" in a mirror showing off his pelvic bone and asking for maybe a full body pic? And here is where I want to put my own obnoxious disclaimer on my profile- because I AM NOT HERE FOR FREE SEX WORK. Like, go to PornHub dude. It's totally free now. Join a kink site. I don't know what to tell you, but the internet is real and there are a lot of avenues for you to find naked women. They are probably getting ad revenue even if you're seeing it for free, and if I send you something I am not. Sending naked pictures of myself does not get me off anymore. I recognize my body has value and there's definitely a chance that you stop talking to me after I send you a picture. Beyond that, you can probably find naked pictures of me on the internet anyway. So, no, I am not going to spend 30 minutes to an hour doing my make-up, fixing my hair, trying to find the right light and the right position, the right background and decide if I want to be fully nude or in some sort of lingerie for some rando. None of you are that hot anymore. None! I can also go to PornHub. I can mute a shower scene in a K-Drama and I own a vibrator. You. Are. Not. Necessary.
But putting bitter blurbs into a profile isn't fun. At that point, why are you even there? So, I'm not.
I switched to Bumble BFF...and that's it's own weird thing now.
We'll talk about that later.
The last guy, because I said there were 5, was not a real conversation.
I swiped on a guy I was pretty sure I worked with when I was a teenager and got nepotismed into a PA gig on a TV Judge show. It was a pretty fun gig. Would do it again. And the people there were mostly nice. I spent a lot of my time talking to this guy named Alex...and this girl who I may have gone to a glass house with, but I have a really bad memory and that might have been a drunken illusion. Anyway, the guy was nice. Nerdy. Un-threatening. I was probably a terror. I probably talked about Gilbert all the time. Or just crazy shit I wanted to write about. I spent a lot of time just drawing because a lot of the gig was babysitting audience members while they weren't taping. There's no reason for me to think that this guy enjoyed my company as much as I was okay with his. But- I like stupid K-Dramas and one of the other plot lines that is pervasive in them is the "destined encounters" one. Everyone has either met in the past or grown-up together. Even if they didn't realize they met in the past they met in the past and somehow changed each other's lives forever.
So, I thought it would be cute to hang out with this guy. At the very least I thought I might be able to actually talk to him and perhaps be friends again.
He did not respond. lol
I feel like I've used this song before, but I still feel it, so I'll share it again.
Comments
Post a Comment