Things to Talk About at a Party
I hate defending Houston.
I hate it.
And I find myself doing it a lot. This is a recurring topic, I know. It's a recurring conversation. It's a recurring thought that Houston is like a little sister and only I should be able to hate her as much as I do. It's her misfortune that I grew up with her, because I'd probably like her if I didn't.
There's too much history. Statistically, I think, I don't know because I didn't pass that class, there is more opportunity for a chance encounter with someone I never wanted to see again. As it is I have to hear names I'd rather pretend never crossed my path with more regularity than I can endure. Every boyfriend is a little Voldemort. Which is also a reference I don't like making, but I can't think of another person we all know shouldn't be named. Hitler, maybe? But that's too extreme. My pain is only like a fictional genocide.
My pain is not the deep. I'm sorry. It's not even pain, really, in the case of the Houston natives and locals. It's perhaps a particular kind of embarrassment? An understanding that I can no longer speak as easily about my flighty inclinations. At some point I finally internalized the shame taught to all children. There is no looking back. That might be the only thing I know from the Bible that I actually understand, but I feel is not paid enough attention to, probably. Sufjan and Lucifer and Good Omens are all making it a pop culture phenom. The idea of learning and teaching shame. In actual religion it seems like that's something people feel they should really bear down on. All my whimsical introductions to the lore have made it clear that this is a silly idea, and the truth of the matter is that learning shame in the first place was dumb, whatever deity shouldn't have been so bitchy about it, and we should all stop punishing each other with it. Yet...
I feel like this is a natural conclusion without religion anyway. A lot of anger seems borne out of shame and embarrassment. Entitlement is an extension of it.
There are too many pretty little niches.
Houston, and Texas as a whole, are a point of shame for me. I would sooner defend Houston than Texas, though. There's too much of Texas. There's too much of Houston, but it's one of the most diverse cities in the United States, and I feel somewhat lucky to have been born here. The thought of being born in some rural area surrounded by angry white people, like Austin, is far too much. The problem with Houston is that it's kind of a lazy city. It's really complacent. This is the impression we landed on while I was too drunk to be coherent at our party. And that I am a runner, but I knew this. I went to Austin to get away, and I came back because it was the cheapest way to get away again...I have designs to go out of state next. I'd love to leave the country, but that's pretty unlikely. Anyway, Houston has all it's little cool parts of town. It makes a lot of lists of best places to... It was featured in Ugly Delicious. The nightlife sucks, but maybe that's because everyone is so slack they rarely go to dance. Maybe it's because I just don't know where to go. Or who to go with. The scene is probably banging. Or booming. Whatever the kids say. Of course there's the zoo, museums, theatres and ballet. It's fortunate for my mother that it's got great big cancer places to care for people in it's huge medical center, which I like more for the sky bridges than anything. Things close, and things pop up and change. There's all the sports shit if you're into that. I don't know if we have a hockey team, but I believe we have everything else. Beyonce is from here. That will always matter.
There's more outside than people give it credit for. I am very into the parks. I do miss the water in Austin. The streams you could hike to. We're getting off track though.
I guess that's it. There's nothing else. Everything is dead space.
I think I spend a lot of time tallying this because I feel like the naysayers are typically coming from either a place of apathy or a place of racism. I can't stand the way Austin talks about any other city, because it's mostly white Austinites referring to the ghettos. One girl once told me about her trip to Houston with her soccer team, and how she thought it was very sketchy but she got to white saver a bunch of brown kids by throwing them a soccer ball they probably couldn't have afforded on their own. Or it's kids from the suburbs who say they're from Houston when people ask in other parts of Texas, but Katy, Memorial, Kingwood, The Woodlands and the like will never truly be the same and does not offer the same experiences. Suburbs are soul sucking places where insulated people lose touch with reality and go to Chili's all the time. There's nothing to do there but lower quality drugs. I would feel more justified of my hate for this city and state if I had to grow up in the 'burbs.
I would actually probably be fine with staying here if it were farther from my parents.
My mother touched my stomach the other day and said it was clear I finished my birthday cake. I almost screamed. I am very much bloated from my period. I have to find a good excuse to never see them again. I could fake my own death.
On the note of being on my period: If only I could fake out my ovaries. Did you know you can't get them out? You go crazy and your heart weakens. At least that's what the government wants you to think. Some Handmaid's Tale bullshit. If you tie your tubes that doesn't take the periods away.
Back to Houston: I often wonder if with a city this big everyone has a different view. There are so many different vantage points. I wish I saw more of them. If I were a smarter, more talented person, I could spend time making homages to the sprawl. Writing scripts and stories where the city is the 5th character, like NY so often is. LA gets a lot of screen time. I think Chicago and Houston just don't get enough positive light. It's a little like seeing years of Hispanic actors play gang members and janitors.
I'm more connected to these things than I can display. It's a root that has no flavor.
I guess I want to think there's more to the city and the experience so I can feel like there's more to me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm leaning too far into being bipolar being my dominant personality trait. I want to start going to the Galleria to ice skate. That worked out very badly the last time.
I hate it.
And I find myself doing it a lot. This is a recurring topic, I know. It's a recurring conversation. It's a recurring thought that Houston is like a little sister and only I should be able to hate her as much as I do. It's her misfortune that I grew up with her, because I'd probably like her if I didn't.
There's too much history. Statistically, I think, I don't know because I didn't pass that class, there is more opportunity for a chance encounter with someone I never wanted to see again. As it is I have to hear names I'd rather pretend never crossed my path with more regularity than I can endure. Every boyfriend is a little Voldemort. Which is also a reference I don't like making, but I can't think of another person we all know shouldn't be named. Hitler, maybe? But that's too extreme. My pain is only like a fictional genocide.
My pain is not the deep. I'm sorry. It's not even pain, really, in the case of the Houston natives and locals. It's perhaps a particular kind of embarrassment? An understanding that I can no longer speak as easily about my flighty inclinations. At some point I finally internalized the shame taught to all children. There is no looking back. That might be the only thing I know from the Bible that I actually understand, but I feel is not paid enough attention to, probably. Sufjan and Lucifer and Good Omens are all making it a pop culture phenom. The idea of learning and teaching shame. In actual religion it seems like that's something people feel they should really bear down on. All my whimsical introductions to the lore have made it clear that this is a silly idea, and the truth of the matter is that learning shame in the first place was dumb, whatever deity shouldn't have been so bitchy about it, and we should all stop punishing each other with it. Yet...
I feel like this is a natural conclusion without religion anyway. A lot of anger seems borne out of shame and embarrassment. Entitlement is an extension of it.
There are too many pretty little niches.
Houston, and Texas as a whole, are a point of shame for me. I would sooner defend Houston than Texas, though. There's too much of Texas. There's too much of Houston, but it's one of the most diverse cities in the United States, and I feel somewhat lucky to have been born here. The thought of being born in some rural area surrounded by angry white people, like Austin, is far too much. The problem with Houston is that it's kind of a lazy city. It's really complacent. This is the impression we landed on while I was too drunk to be coherent at our party. And that I am a runner, but I knew this. I went to Austin to get away, and I came back because it was the cheapest way to get away again...I have designs to go out of state next. I'd love to leave the country, but that's pretty unlikely. Anyway, Houston has all it's little cool parts of town. It makes a lot of lists of best places to... It was featured in Ugly Delicious. The nightlife sucks, but maybe that's because everyone is so slack they rarely go to dance. Maybe it's because I just don't know where to go. Or who to go with. The scene is probably banging. Or booming. Whatever the kids say. Of course there's the zoo, museums, theatres and ballet. It's fortunate for my mother that it's got great big cancer places to care for people in it's huge medical center, which I like more for the sky bridges than anything. Things close, and things pop up and change. There's all the sports shit if you're into that. I don't know if we have a hockey team, but I believe we have everything else. Beyonce is from here. That will always matter.
There's more outside than people give it credit for. I am very into the parks. I do miss the water in Austin. The streams you could hike to. We're getting off track though.
I guess that's it. There's nothing else. Everything is dead space.
I think I spend a lot of time tallying this because I feel like the naysayers are typically coming from either a place of apathy or a place of racism. I can't stand the way Austin talks about any other city, because it's mostly white Austinites referring to the ghettos. One girl once told me about her trip to Houston with her soccer team, and how she thought it was very sketchy but she got to white saver a bunch of brown kids by throwing them a soccer ball they probably couldn't have afforded on their own. Or it's kids from the suburbs who say they're from Houston when people ask in other parts of Texas, but Katy, Memorial, Kingwood, The Woodlands and the like will never truly be the same and does not offer the same experiences. Suburbs are soul sucking places where insulated people lose touch with reality and go to Chili's all the time. There's nothing to do there but lower quality drugs. I would feel more justified of my hate for this city and state if I had to grow up in the 'burbs.
I would actually probably be fine with staying here if it were farther from my parents.
My mother touched my stomach the other day and said it was clear I finished my birthday cake. I almost screamed. I am very much bloated from my period. I have to find a good excuse to never see them again. I could fake my own death.
On the note of being on my period: If only I could fake out my ovaries. Did you know you can't get them out? You go crazy and your heart weakens. At least that's what the government wants you to think. Some Handmaid's Tale bullshit. If you tie your tubes that doesn't take the periods away.
Back to Houston: I often wonder if with a city this big everyone has a different view. There are so many different vantage points. I wish I saw more of them. If I were a smarter, more talented person, I could spend time making homages to the sprawl. Writing scripts and stories where the city is the 5th character, like NY so often is. LA gets a lot of screen time. I think Chicago and Houston just don't get enough positive light. It's a little like seeing years of Hispanic actors play gang members and janitors.
I'm more connected to these things than I can display. It's a root that has no flavor.
I guess I want to think there's more to the city and the experience so I can feel like there's more to me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm leaning too far into being bipolar being my dominant personality trait. I want to start going to the Galleria to ice skate. That worked out very badly the last time.
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