December 31st- A Year in Review
I am injured. It is not a physical injury, but a spiritual one. I could never be more hurt than to discover that my friends have been very poor ones, as I have been obsessed with my ex for years and not once did anyone think to hire a hot French escort for me. Not once!! I have a sister as well. I am aggrieved! Truly, I am alone in the world. Out on the streets trying to arrange my own dick appointments like a Dickensian orphan. "Please sir, can I have some more?"
I have started watching The Hook-Up Plan. This is how I became aware of yet another short-coming of my social safety net. I suppose I should give them a bit of a break. It's probably marginally more difficult to find a French sex-worker here. Especially one that looks like a tall ethnically ambiguous Tom Hardy.
I started watching the show because I decided I should start watching more foreign language things in order to practice listening. And I started with a French show rather than a Spanish show because I have taken more French and in my head if I master it I will automatically know more Spanish...this, undoubtedly, will not be the way things unfold...and I really ought to prioritize, because it is already quite confusing when I am in the immigration office trying to listen in on conversations as practice. If only they'd discuss apples and dresses. I would most definitely be able to tell them how many apples there are, provided there were no more than ten. In a cup or plate. I don't think I know the word for bowl.
Anyway, I suppose they're also kind of off the hook because I don't really obsess over Scott the way I used to...I think we've moved on from the phantom limb phase. I now just kind of think about how that arm was taken off, and that perhaps I should have the other one off for good measure and replace it with a vibrator because I am never going to trust another arm again. Or some better metaphor. At the very least I'm not sobbing about it all the time. I have almost gotten to the Thank U, Next point where I'm grateful for the life lessons. It's just a little bit petulant, though. Like Ewan McGregor throwing money at Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. THANK U, FOR RIDDING ME OF MY RIDICULOUS OBSESSION WITH LUV. But, honestly, really, it was destroying me. I've spent 30 years letting the need for a very specific sort of validation rule my life...and I have finally assessed that there are other easier forms of validation. Like A CAREER! I'm in my Legally Blonde stride. This year has been a horror show, but I am much closer to a non-horror show like life than I ever have been.
Except, it's harder for me to get inebriated lately. I think because I have been completely weaned off all prescription medications. So, horrifyingly, this is all me again. Being as high-functioning low-functioning as I can muster because I cannot afford insurance and I still live in the States. In a house full of spiders. With a mild headache. I have considered going to the school psych to get some Xanax or something, because I won't be able to pay for maintenance drugs, but it would be nice to sometimes have something on hand for the three-day long heart palpitations.
Anyway. A real assessment.
The year started alone in Austin, arguing with Scott, calling into work a lot, generally very sad. Now I am in Houston. I do not call into work, but I don't work full time...but I guess it's a bit more than that if you count the job that pays me, my unpaid internship and 7 courses. UT told the government I defaulted because they don't grant immediate deferment on loans if you're not attending UT, so I have to sort that out in the New Year. I find I almost very deeply regret going to that school, but I suppose I would not have half of the people I like in my life if I hadn't...so maybe it was worth the 20,000 dollars. I left my old car with Scott so I wouldn't have to talk to him or interact with him ever again. I hope it hurt his credit. I quite enjoy the car I bought on my own. It has hurt my credit. I suppose I am closer now to things I enjoy at work than I have been in a very long time. I spent the last week doing a lot of organizing, which did not help the mild headache or panic, because trying to organize really bothers my brain, but I think I did a good job. I just need to get them to agree I did a good job. I haven't quite given up on art and writing, but it's been kind of hard to find a cohesive thought. I'm pretty well consumed by the fact that this is the closest I have ever been to obtaining a degree...which is slightly jeopardized by my stupid UT student loans. I did much better this semester than I had any right to...all As and Bs. I learned to do people's taxes...but not hard taxes...I'm going to volunteer to do taxes. That's a certification for my LinkedIn profile. Business school has been very awkwardly obsessed with maximizing my LinkedIn profile. And networking. I should have seen this coming.
The kitten and I are still mad about each other. I have been fretting over a kitten an old friend of mine found, but I think it would hurt The Kitten to introduce another soul into our lives. I like to think that's also why I am not dating, although I know that the truth is I think I'm too chubby and the house is never tidy enough. I have set up goals for the next year. I feel like 31 is going to be much bigger and better than 30 was...I'm taking proper time to keep up with people and be more engaged in society. This has all shown me that there are a lot of people in the world who are deserving of a chance to redeem themselves, to excel and who should get more assistance and compassion from society. And I had been meeting a lot of the people who do not deserve that up to this point. People more like me, kind of unapologetically awful and miserable. Miserly people who tear down and manipulate the people around them. Okay, maybe not a lot...more like 3 or 4 with an outsized impact on me...anyway... the goals. I have told myself that we're going to read more, work out more, watch more films and documentaries. This might help with my creative slump.
I've started cooking again. And I did pretty well. My dishes were bright and fresh. I'd been relying way too much on my mother. Both out of laziness and because I know it makes her feel better to be in control of my diet...even if this is probably the biggest reason I've gained weight since hitting puberty. She's so obsessed with diet trends. I would show her Jameela Jamil's Instagram if I didn't already regret setting her up on Facebook. I suppose I have a much better relationship with my family again...except perhaps my nephew. I don't really know what to do there...I should make more time to figure that out I guess. I'll add it to the goals.
This has been quite the eventful year, really. I tend to think that things are just chugging along in systems desperately in need of infrastructure updates, but I guess it's not as quiet as that. People got married and separated, lots of jobs changing, babies getting older, friendships broken out of necessity and neglect, people in trouble with the law, and nearly all my poor millennial friends are having nervous breakdowns...which is a bit troubling because that was kind of my thing...
Now my thing is web comics, I guess.
It's been a good year for it. Now to make myself another ineffective drink. Tah.
I have started watching The Hook-Up Plan. This is how I became aware of yet another short-coming of my social safety net. I suppose I should give them a bit of a break. It's probably marginally more difficult to find a French sex-worker here. Especially one that looks like a tall ethnically ambiguous Tom Hardy.
I started watching the show because I decided I should start watching more foreign language things in order to practice listening. And I started with a French show rather than a Spanish show because I have taken more French and in my head if I master it I will automatically know more Spanish...this, undoubtedly, will not be the way things unfold...and I really ought to prioritize, because it is already quite confusing when I am in the immigration office trying to listen in on conversations as practice. If only they'd discuss apples and dresses. I would most definitely be able to tell them how many apples there are, provided there were no more than ten. In a cup or plate. I don't think I know the word for bowl.
Anyway, I suppose they're also kind of off the hook because I don't really obsess over Scott the way I used to...I think we've moved on from the phantom limb phase. I now just kind of think about how that arm was taken off, and that perhaps I should have the other one off for good measure and replace it with a vibrator because I am never going to trust another arm again. Or some better metaphor. At the very least I'm not sobbing about it all the time. I have almost gotten to the Thank U, Next point where I'm grateful for the life lessons. It's just a little bit petulant, though. Like Ewan McGregor throwing money at Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. THANK U, FOR RIDDING ME OF MY RIDICULOUS OBSESSION WITH LUV. But, honestly, really, it was destroying me. I've spent 30 years letting the need for a very specific sort of validation rule my life...and I have finally assessed that there are other easier forms of validation. Like A CAREER! I'm in my Legally Blonde stride. This year has been a horror show, but I am much closer to a non-horror show like life than I ever have been.
Except, it's harder for me to get inebriated lately. I think because I have been completely weaned off all prescription medications. So, horrifyingly, this is all me again. Being as high-functioning low-functioning as I can muster because I cannot afford insurance and I still live in the States. In a house full of spiders. With a mild headache. I have considered going to the school psych to get some Xanax or something, because I won't be able to pay for maintenance drugs, but it would be nice to sometimes have something on hand for the three-day long heart palpitations.
Anyway. A real assessment.
The year started alone in Austin, arguing with Scott, calling into work a lot, generally very sad. Now I am in Houston. I do not call into work, but I don't work full time...but I guess it's a bit more than that if you count the job that pays me, my unpaid internship and 7 courses. UT told the government I defaulted because they don't grant immediate deferment on loans if you're not attending UT, so I have to sort that out in the New Year. I find I almost very deeply regret going to that school, but I suppose I would not have half of the people I like in my life if I hadn't...so maybe it was worth the 20,000 dollars. I left my old car with Scott so I wouldn't have to talk to him or interact with him ever again. I hope it hurt his credit. I quite enjoy the car I bought on my own. It has hurt my credit. I suppose I am closer now to things I enjoy at work than I have been in a very long time. I spent the last week doing a lot of organizing, which did not help the mild headache or panic, because trying to organize really bothers my brain, but I think I did a good job. I just need to get them to agree I did a good job. I haven't quite given up on art and writing, but it's been kind of hard to find a cohesive thought. I'm pretty well consumed by the fact that this is the closest I have ever been to obtaining a degree...which is slightly jeopardized by my stupid UT student loans. I did much better this semester than I had any right to...all As and Bs. I learned to do people's taxes...but not hard taxes...I'm going to volunteer to do taxes. That's a certification for my LinkedIn profile. Business school has been very awkwardly obsessed with maximizing my LinkedIn profile. And networking. I should have seen this coming.
The kitten and I are still mad about each other. I have been fretting over a kitten an old friend of mine found, but I think it would hurt The Kitten to introduce another soul into our lives. I like to think that's also why I am not dating, although I know that the truth is I think I'm too chubby and the house is never tidy enough. I have set up goals for the next year. I feel like 31 is going to be much bigger and better than 30 was...I'm taking proper time to keep up with people and be more engaged in society. This has all shown me that there are a lot of people in the world who are deserving of a chance to redeem themselves, to excel and who should get more assistance and compassion from society. And I had been meeting a lot of the people who do not deserve that up to this point. People more like me, kind of unapologetically awful and miserable. Miserly people who tear down and manipulate the people around them. Okay, maybe not a lot...more like 3 or 4 with an outsized impact on me...anyway... the goals. I have told myself that we're going to read more, work out more, watch more films and documentaries. This might help with my creative slump.
I've started cooking again. And I did pretty well. My dishes were bright and fresh. I'd been relying way too much on my mother. Both out of laziness and because I know it makes her feel better to be in control of my diet...even if this is probably the biggest reason I've gained weight since hitting puberty. She's so obsessed with diet trends. I would show her Jameela Jamil's Instagram if I didn't already regret setting her up on Facebook. I suppose I have a much better relationship with my family again...except perhaps my nephew. I don't really know what to do there...I should make more time to figure that out I guess. I'll add it to the goals.
This has been quite the eventful year, really. I tend to think that things are just chugging along in systems desperately in need of infrastructure updates, but I guess it's not as quiet as that. People got married and separated, lots of jobs changing, babies getting older, friendships broken out of necessity and neglect, people in trouble with the law, and nearly all my poor millennial friends are having nervous breakdowns...which is a bit troubling because that was kind of my thing...
Now my thing is web comics, I guess.
It's been a good year for it. Now to make myself another ineffective drink. Tah.
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