Cross Hatch Warm Bath, Holiday Inn After Dark

Sea teeth are frightening. The ocean is far more ferocious than we give it credit. Everything has sharp gnashing fangs.

My sister used to be very into owls, and now it's otters...their teeth are not as frightening.

I've been drunk-ish for the last four evenings. And tonight we are watching Blue Planet II, after finishing The Hookup Plan....which I desperately hope gets a second season, because I so need the fabricated romance in my life.

I've finished 4 paintings. I have 4 left. I have finished one bottle of wine tonight, but I started it yesterday, so that's not quite correct. I finished two bottles the night before. And I am not sure how I drank before that. It's cocktail season. I can't bear to be cuffed by anything less than a warm buzz.

I broke a glass container and I have kept the shards because in the dead of night I lay awake and dream of death. Crabs are freaks.

I just read through a bit of a notebook I didn't realize I had been journaling in (off and on) for almost 10 years. Perhaps when I am more sober I will transcribe some of it. It never occurred to me before that crabs molt. Nothing in the ocean has a proper mouth. The crabs are defending each other from sting rays. They leave behind their dead skins. What a pleasure it must be to go through a transformation of that caliber. I can only hope to leave a shell behind some day. I'm so drunk.

I have realized, quite to my chagrin. that the more I know, the less I understand...there goes my integrity.

But it's true. As I learn more about how society and capitalism has been operating and was established, I feel I have created a larger gap between myself and the normal-not-psuedo-intellectual millennials. All I want, really, is a cute guy to adore me and a bunch of money... alas, this is too much to ask for as a woman of my station. I feel, as much as we like to pretend we've evolved, we haven't gotten much further than Vanity Fair. I may be able to trick my way into high society for a little while, but I'll have to kill a fat guy in India to find peace someday.

I have to complete some watercolors as well.

One other big thing about this year is the proximity to completion I have come. I am closer now than I ever have been to graduating. Having a proper job and paying debts. I am closer than I have ever been to completing a novel. And I abandoned the project mid-year because I became very frustrated with my own lack of talent. Which is a weird thing to do. There's so many untalented people in the world just pushing out shit- like Silver Linings Playbook got some awards. I finally saw it, and hated it, and resent Bradley Cooper even more. I don't know if we haven't discussed this yet, but I kind of blame Bradley Cooper and Jim from The Office (US) for Donald Trump becoming president. Jim made this awful Bengazi movie and Bradley did this absurd conservative wet dream American Sniper...most recently he'd been touring with Lady Gaga proving the Stockholm's Syndrome is alive and well by allowing her to claim her found her when he went up to her and removed her make-up while she auditioned to be the reason he kills himself. Dear gawd, how are we still interested in films that are about a guy not being able to cope with a changing world and a woman's commercial success in it?!?!?! FUCK. THAT.

So I feel my self-scorn is a bit much. I should let the market decide whether I am talented. Capitalism is the solution.

I've also been feeling very guilty lately about the amount of waste I generate as a human being. EVERYTHING IS PACKAGED. And I don't know what I could do to reduce this that would not be just entirely too difficult. I have maintained my commitment to not using plastic bags at the grocerie, but this seems an inadequate solution. Almost everything is wrapped and bottled. I try not to use as many plastic bags for my produce...but everything needs to be contained. I can't take reusable containers to purchase bulk pastas! I don't know if that's a thing and I probably couldn't afford it if it was. I can't take my own packaging to buy chocolates and frozen foods. BUT I'M NOT EVEN THE PROBLEM. The world is being ruined by large corporations dumping chemicals and buying out of regulations- but I still feel like shit for not being able to create less paper and plastic waste on my own....

I don't know where I was going with all this...but I am a little worried about my holiday drinking problem. I guess I should finish that book.


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