So Far So Good

A few weeks ago, when I was feeling particularly out of sorts, I decided on an experiment. I still have a couple of scars from just scratching at my wrist until it bled. And one from stabbing it with a sharpie pen. The experiments yielded no real results- but there wasn't a proper hypothesis. "Will I bleed if I do this?" is not a scientific question.

Today's good things: I went for a run yesterday. I weighed my self in the morning and I had not gained as much over the holiday as I was worried I had. Since the election I kind of let go of a few basic responsibilities- like cooking and cleaning, you know, just the human stuff. I was eating an absurd amount of junk food, really- which is both expensive and not fulfilling, but who has the time for fulfillment these days? So I was really concerned that the holiday was going to tip me over the edge as far as weight gain- but I was pleasantly surprised that I am still teetering in the "uncomfortably chubby" area and did not enter "oh god, I'm a cow- I need to stop eating" zone. I bought a loaf of french bread two days ago and some of it is still soft. It's all around a great time. I have not been super hungry since returning from work on Monday- and the end of the semester marks a turning point in my ability to muster the strength to exercise regularly. With any luck I'll be down to what I have deemed "normal human woman" size by Christmas. My mother will be delighted. I think I have come across the best way to make my mother appreciate me as well- if I just fuck up hard enough, like say, gain 60 pounds, something as small as a 10 pound loss has her virtually ecstatic! I just need to hit rock bottom regularly and then anything I do is prize worthy. The prize being something similar to the feeling of unconditional love and support....except it's highly conditional love. And the condition is a complete turn around from failure. Cool!

Another great thing!! I got a very lovely response from my YA Lit teacher on my final project. It made me feel much better about the whole "inability to fundamentally understand science" thing I've been struggling with tonight. I have decided that my attempt at comprehending inductive reasoning is basically my own Waiting for Godot. It shall never come. (spoiler alert)

I've done some writing, though, and reading...I'm about one third edging on a half way through my reading- so that shouldn't be a problem...provided I stay up for the next few hours torturing myself and this text with a highlighter.... I am highlighting almost every other word because I am not so much trying to underscore important concepts to reference later during the test- as I am just trying to parse through the constant reiteration of and rephrasing. I feel functionally illiterate reading this. So much of it seems to be saying the exact same thing ad infinitum.

Someone just ran past my apartment- it's 2am. Sometimes I am concerned, but then I feel kind of racist because I'm in the section of town currently being gentrified, so it's subjectively "not that nice"... I think everyone is fine though, just sometimes we can be a nuisance to each other. I have a tendency to loudly curse at my cat and sing Hamilton just under top-of-lungs level...and sometimes people run by my apartment at 2am, play weird bro-emo rock really loud, smoke by my doorway, or have sex really loudly. The last one I think is only bothersome because I haven't had sex in like, 3 months? I'm almost certain I have forgotten how. I know for sure I don't know how to hug anything larger than a cat- so I have to assume I have forgotten all other forms of physical intimacy. That's what happens when your brain is fucked up and you have a hard time with memory then try to cram it full of the mad ramblings of ancient scientists- you forget how to have sex. Let this be a lesson to you kids.

Anyway, I stopped in the middle of my staring at an essay that is only a 10th of the way actually an essay, to write this because I noticed I had a grade and saw my professor's wonderful note. After some quick calculations I think I actually will be fine this semester. I think I will still manage an A in this class even though I messed up and missed a quiz while in the throes of trying to juggle school, work and job hunting. I think I will get a high B in French, and as long as I can make a C in this Philosophy class everything will end approximately, exactly, as I had hoped and intended after realizing that I could not do better ATM. Huzzah!

Of course- this is how the universe gets you. At 2am. Tricking you into a false sense of security, then you never finish your paper and you have to move back to Houston and become a homeless person. Why leave town to become a homeless person, you wonder? The is no logic to the sinister designs of the universe.

My plan now is to return to the essay. The Essay. And just kind of ramble through knee jerk responses to the prompt to clean up tomorrow and Thursday morning. The one nice thing about my job ending tomorrow is that I have Thursday morning to get in final edits to this non-existent paper as well as study a bit more. Of course, it would be best if I were done with initial reading and the first draft tomorrow night (tonight)- but I really don't need you to tell me that.

Out of curiosity, is it kind of obnoxious that I have started addressing you?

Tomorrow (today) I plan to run after work again. I quite enjoy it. Although it has been uncomfortably dark lately... It's fun people watching. I suppose it's more of a jog, if I'm being honest, and then only half the time...but there are people running. Some human beings are lovely greyhounds and stallions- their bodies seem to be made to move quickly and gracefully. I am quite certainly a platypus. No one is quite sure what I am doing there, and why I breathe so heavily...but the gazelles just dash by trying to pay as little mind to me as possible. And then there are people who are in training to become the beautiful, lithe, fast moving things. They teeter along like calves and its quite charming because you know they're trying and that's a success in itself. They also ignore the platypus- and I am quite content with that, because I do go small lengths pretending to be a wild dog, slim and free, running as fast as I can, which is probably all of 3mph- but it's great. It's scary, because I want to get better- and, like my mother mentioned over the holiday- just run and never stop running. Never. But that's not an option for a platypus, so everything is fine for now...


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