I Lose My Job in Three Days

I need to take some time. To recover myself. I am suddenly lethargic. I don't know if I would say it is unexpected. I would like it to be. I have so much work to do and it's been me against reality for the last few weeks. I need to beg. I need to try to convince people to give me a break. One person. I hate trying to get help. I hate needing help. So I'm online shopping and watching UnREAL like my life isn't on the cusp of falling apart.

I'm pretending things aren't going to spiral in a few days.

I built my kitten a play place. She seems happy with it. I am glad she has more vertical space now, I felt she was getting stir crazy. She's not tearing up to walls anymore and that's good. I need to pay more into my credit cards. I need to work more. I should not be taking mental breaks because I am afraid. I'm sure the better people push through them. Push through the pain and the fear. Don't spend money just because they want to cry. I am sure. I want to be one of those better people.

I'm never going to sleep again.

I booked a trip for Colorado with my mother for her birthday. I will hopefully be able to pay it off my then. I need to register for classes for next semester. I need to stop moving. I need to stop existing. I need to keep going. I need to run ahead. I need to run fast. I need to push- I'll make it. I have to make it. I need a drink.

I'm done. I've wasted all the time and money I can for now. In good conscience. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to go dancing. I want to sing. None of this is helpful.

I bought books.

I just figured out that some assignments I thought were due tonight were ones I had already done. I feel better about this. I just need to get started on this essay that I'm going to try to completely bullshit through. I find a lot of my anxiety today rests on science. Why is science? How is it helping me, specifically, right now- in any other way outside of technology and medical science and whatever. Like tons of things. Like everything. If it's so permeating why is it so hard to grasp the philosophy behind it? I swear, it sounds like every argument these guys are making rests on the same basic principle of whether you can call anything that a hypothesis springs from or concludes to- a fundamental truth. Does science show us how things are, or how things are likely to be over the course of several tests until it runs into a trail where it fails? And it's hard. Because I feel like it would be absurd to think it is anything but the latter. All things are gray, and in the grayness of life there is no way to say that anything is fundamentally true. There's always an outlier. It's obnoxious, but there are always exceptions. I hate exceptions. Yet, I would like to be found exceptional- this is just another thing that's kind of difficult to parse through.

Sunny. Is not an option. I don't know if I know what the attraction to him is anyway. What is my attraction to anyone? I just want to dance.

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