If You Can't Love Yourself

My friends and I have hit a very weird age. We've accepted we are most likely never getting married (except for the one who did, that bitch) and have moved on to the pursuit of being fabulous drag-queens. All I have ever wanted in life is to be a beautiful gay boy in amazingly elaborate costume. RuPaul's Drag Race is our new home.

I recognize that this is probably appropriation, but The Lonely Hearts Club Band can't escape who they are any more than anyone else can. My greatest disappointment in life is probably that I will never be as gorgeous and interesting as Sharon Needles. I need this. I need them. "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?" has become my new mantra. Especially since I think I just got ghosted.

That's okay, though. My sense of self-worth still relies too heavily on the way I might be perceived by others. It's crippling emotionally and creatively, so I have to let this go. If someone can't want you back the way you deserve to be wanted then you should move on- like in business you can negotiate but know your worth. I have never been good at allowing myself to be steamrolled or underpaid in the work place and it's time to carry that thought process into everything else.

Although, how to do that without burning bridges and salting the earth I do not know. That's not a problem this time, as I mentioned, I'm pretty sure this guy is gone so I deleted his number and am going to try to take this opportunity to train myself away from obsessing. I want to channel the fiercest queen and accept who I am and own it.

As for other mental health updates: I have not been sleeping much but I am not feeling especially tired, so I am going to run with it. I think at my psychiatrist visit that was one of the key things keeping me from a bipolar diagnosis so I feel like my subconscious is just trying to feed into that because deep down I feel like being bipolar would legitimize my damage more than just plain-ol-sad-sack depression.

I'm using this surge of energy to eat less and work out more as well. I started kick boxing and krav maga this week. Kick boxing was more intense, but I think they were trying to ease us into the intensity of Krav. It was a much longer work out as well. I am a little nervous about sparring with other people and trying to learn names. After this run I am hoping to have more upper body strength to go back into aerial acrobatics and maybe try pole dancing.

Goals: read more, obsess less, sketch


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