Hello From The Otherside

I hate that song, but the title seemed appropriate.

I turned 28 last week.

It was both uneventful and unpleasant: I moved into my own apartment the day before, had some laundry stolen, bought my own bed, started taking stock of my existence alone. Oh, and signed up for krav maga classes that I start on Tuesday.

At the moment I am trying to devise the most cost-effective plan for organizing my new space. I think now that I'm on my own I should try harder to look like a functioning human being. It's easier to excuse yourself from being able to hide your mess when there is someone else's mess mixed into it. At the very least I have never lived out of bags and I don't intend to start now. I also think it would be better to free-up areas where I can paint or do yoga, like someone who has it together.

Side note: I am not currently taking my medication. I have it. But I forget to...and at the moment I feel fine. Although a little anxious. I am trying to repeat things to myself on a regular basis about my self-worth. Recount all the positive aspects of my personality and the things that I do that make me "interesting". Unexpectedly, this effort to evaluate myself more positively has been brought upon by the ever-looming idea that I am free to date. I am free to have others judge my worth. I don't imagine this will go well, but I also spent so much of my childhood, adolescence and early adult years chasing love and recognition that I am trying to persuade myself it won't matter if dates don't go well. And it doesn't. It shouldn't be a hard sell- but I've read that we are pack animals so it's hard for people to be alone.

Another revelation has come of my new position: I tend to close myself off from people, which I knew, but in an effort to maintain my distance rather than allowing myself to be honest and vulnerable I trend as calculating and mean. I don't know if every person I meet will be worthy of extending some vulnerability, but I am starting to feel that if I don't start approaching relationships with more honesty I will never be able to and will never be in the type of relationship people consider "healthy". My biggest regret from the relationship I just left is that I don't think I ever found a way to be truly emotionally supportive, and I think part of that is that I never found a way to be open and honest. I loved him very much, but I think ultimately our love for each other failed to come across and I don't want that to be ending of every short-lived love story I have.

Comments

  1. I need to find a psychiatrist who accepts my insurance. No luck yet. UnitedHealthcare, damn you. Also, Jason has helped me with adulthood re: the home. Lots of trips to various Goodwills... DIY isn't always as hard as I thought. I was on Zoloft and felt like a zombie but at least I wasn't manic. I missed the part where you feel invincible and exuberant, but nowadays I feel dread because I know there's going to be a terrible comedown because of it. It's such an annoying pattern - you are conscious of it and it just makes you feel worse, which is why it's cyclical. Just had one of those episodes last week.

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