Freedom

It seems that now that I am on my own this blog is living up to it's tag line a little more.

Freedom seems to be more of a burden than anything else. Maybe because I am not giving myself enough time to properly be free?

The apartment is lonely without the cats. My ex has his daughter so his life is better fulfilled without me and for the most part my friends are coupled, whether with significant others or siblings. So I jumped on Bumble because it seemed a like a better quality of guy than Tinder.

Maybe I shouldn't have allowed myself that illusion.

In the week that I have been on the app I have had two dates and two hook-ups. I think I might need to go back on my medication. I am not sure how healthy any of this has been.

My first "date", and my favorite, was a hook-up that just led to me being ghosted. Or perhaps the guy was actually nice and tragically died after leaving my apartment. I might toy with different narratives that allow me to smooth over the sting of rejection- the finality of death is always a soothing balm. Anyway, I started chatting with this lawyer and he seemed nice enough- he had similar taste in music, also lived in Houston (if you insist upon calling the suburbs that), and he had kind eyes. Maybe my down-fall is that I am too shallow, and I focus on kind eyes and nice smiles. I assume that a person's facial expressions and tone of voice will betray the content of their speech- but maybe the rest of the world has become quite clever and controlled, and it is now impossible to discern when someone is being genuine unless they're psychos about it like I am. So even though he seemed a little too aggressively focused on sex, I tried not to assume the worst. He also made some kinky promises and I figured I could let myself out to play in relative safety. This was not the case, and my desires went unfulfilled. Now I just get to ruminate on how I allowed myself to get to worked up over someone I knew for about a week, just because they promised a type of sexual gratification that I had yet to experience.Was that truly all that it was on my end? Was I not good enough from his perspective? And why go through the trouble of re-iterating the plans that we made just to fall off into the darkness? What coy, cruel creatures men seem to be.

Now I am quite uncertain about leaving myself exposed the way I intended. I don't like the idea of calculated interest in others anymore, but I don't really want to fall into a string of two-night stands. I don't handle disappointment well.

The second date was arguably as bad- I went to a sports bar and drank a beer. I truly dislike beer. I truly dislike this other guy now. The conversation went well enough, but I hated the ambiance and found it hard to focus. Eventually it became kind of overwhelming and I was drinking the beer so slowly it did little to work as social lubrication, so I eventually had to admit that I wanted to leave. In the most straight forward and awkward way possible. The guy unmatched me, and I deleted his number. Case closed.

UNTIL- he messages me the day I get stood up by the guy that I like in order to tell me he was not feeling any chemistry and he hopes I understand. And I did, But I also understood this that day, after our date, when he disconnected in the app.

The third date went well. The atmosphere was better. I got interrupted by several calls from my parents which gave me a good opportunity to naturally exit. I tried ceviche for the first time and it was pretty good. Over all I enjoyed the kid, but he's slightly younger than I am and also a little chubby. I suppose all in all those are fairly weak negatives.

Maybe I should just join Tinder and get it over with. I don't know if I'm ready to properly date, and I kind of wish my lawyer and I had agreed to just have fun...although I don't think that's what he wanted. I don't know what he wanted, or what anyone wants, and that has been hard.

The most important thing is probably what I want- and I don't think I know that either.

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