I have:

3 courses I am behind in
2 paintings that have managed to actualize to the point of light sketching on canvas
4 months left on this lease
a recurring wish to be able to paint the color flashes songs create in my brain
2 blog posts I started over a month ago and a few weeks ago respectively

Galentine's Day is right around the corner. I need to dump a lot of thoughts.

The truth is- I lied internet, I am still pulling out my hair. I am finally giving in (for maybe the 12th time of my adult life) to talking to someone about my persistent anxiety and reactionary suicidal idealization. Maybe that isn't the best way of putting that- I don't know exactly how reactionary it is to sit in the bathroom, consider all the things you need to do that day and then briefly muse on how just dying would eliminate that list completely. I like to imagine that's actually quite normal and silly: the overwhelming sense of dread that your body needs more momentum than you may be capable of.

So I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to address these things in the most basic way of hopefully getting medication, or being told I am totally fine and should stop assuming I am mentally ill. Everyone pulls out patches of their own hair. Everyone. I sort of hope for the latter although it will excuse much less of my poor behavior.

In good news- I am losing weight or my scale is favorably broken. With any luck I will look much more myself by the time I have to go to my high school friend's wedding and live the rest of my life alone.

I also got an invitation to a community college honors society! I think I will try to join and hopefully that will make it harder for me to allow myself to fail this semester. I am desperately behind already, but it's only been two weeks so perhaps I am making too much of it.

I want to begin painting again but I find it hard to set aside the time for myself. The same with writing- I should get better about writing my thoughts as I have them and then maybe making posts off of them at the end of the week or day, whatever. This should not be an anxiety dump.

I finally gave Crazy Ex-Girlfriend another shot and while I still think that a lot of the jokes are a little obvious, painfully so, at times, I have warmed to it. The songs can be pretty funny. I think I should eventually find Rachel Bloom's youtube channel because I think I would like her better in smaller doses. As it is, I don't find any of her romantic interests in the show at all appealing and I kind of hope as the show evolves she begins to see that for herself.

There is also a point where she confronts her mother about her fairly verbally abusive behavior and I found that super relatable.  I have never been a "mom-pleaser" as she puts it, but I did spend a lot of the first few years away from college lying to my family to avoid unpleasant conversations. I suppose to an extent I will always do that, but at this point I at least appreciate that the things they say come from a place of love- even if they are terrible things that no one should ever say (I don't want to get into how forcefully I had to insist I don't have diabetes or a thyroid condition, I just hate myself mom, get over it already.)

This week I also put off studying by watching the new One Direction spin-off music video featuring Gigi Hadid. It was about as terrible as I would have assumed but Gigi Hadid, while seemingly pretty obnoxiously vapid, is insanely gorgeous. My assessment of her character might be unfair. She did look absolutely amazing through the whole video though so I would recommend it for wasted head-space consumption if you are trying to kill some time and can't find any cat videos.

Finally, what kind of spurned my urge to complete a post after so long, I started reading an article at Refinery29 (which I have an intense love-hate relationship with) about blow jobs. That link is to the article, not porn. I realize that it might look better to put that in "article" instead of "blow jobs" but I don't want to. I also don't want to give blow-jobs and I kind of hope it's the new feminist thing to take them on and wipe them out. They are not the friend of people with abandonment issues and poor gag reflexes.

This is not to say that I will not give blow-jobs or completely hate them, they're just kind of a stable relationship treat and I am not at all looking forward to one-night-stands assuming they are part of the menu. I have to be quite certain I am not getting rid of you for a while to want to put my head anywhere near your penis. This outlook may evolve as I become more accustomed to casually dating/sexing again but it would just be easier if feminists could wipe this out for me in the next four months.

Things I like right now: Beyond the Boundary, Bromance, Elliot Smith, early 2000s indie-pop, Neko Atsume, Man Seeking Woman, The Eric Andre Show, quiche, pastels and Chobani Sriracha Mango


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