So This Is Christmas...And a Happy New Year

We're three days in- how are you holding up?

I have spent way too much money this holiday season; some on medical bills, mostly on things I didn't need. I'm crip-walking into the new year because of a pinched nerve that creates a dull to unbearably piercing pain from my butt to my ankle. It's a fun new experience!

I have no idea how it happened but it's been bothering me since before Christmas and I broke last Monday and went to an Urgent Care. Three hours and a missed day of work later and I have some really big Tylenol and a few muscle relaxers working on the case! I was told in another week or so it should be back to normal and if not I may need to go to an ER. Exciting stuff.

This whole thing has just kept me grounded in the fear of life on my own.

As you know, because I must have mentioned it like 1000 times here, me and the BF of 8 years will be separating at the end of this lease. Because I obsess over things I have allowed this to occupy a lot of my thought space while on winter break and I have come to some conclusions:

1. I am really ok with this relationship ending. I think with 8 years of closure I would have to be, and this made me consider why people are typically not good with relationships ending- a subject that was highlighted by my sister's recent break-up. Two factors in her break-up that do not lend well to closure: it was the day after Christmas and she was the dumped. I think closure is much harder for you when the situation feels like you are being rejected. To a degree I do feel like I have lost because this 8 year relationship did not manifest into something bigger like marriage or a child, but I really don't think the women of my family need those things. We have broken head-space. I can be unreasonably snippy. I've been watching a lot of Seinfeld on Hulu and I very heavily identify with Elaine and George- I probably will end up in jail. This is a hereditary lifestyle that I have spent a lot of time waffling on the edge of breaking out of to finally emerge with an understanding that I cannot fix while also trying to manage a relationship.

2. I am somewhat terrified of fixing myself and any greater success. I am comfortable with unwinnable relationships- I understand those. I know how to keep throwing myself against a wall that won't really appreciate what I am doing. I can fuss there, in something close to contentment, about how I am not being loved as well as I should. This uneven ground is cozy. I wouldn't know what to do with solid or stable. I cannot fathom what a functioning adult person in a loving supportive relationship is supposed to look like. This is in no way meant to say that my current significant other is not loving or supportive, it's just not the right fit- we've been trying to mash a circle into a square for 8 years and it has been fun and helpful at times but it's not enough.

But what would be enough? I don't even know. I joke that I would be happy with a lovely Brittish comedian or some horrid artsy jerk, but I don't think either of those would be as fulfilling as they would be interesting and I think I am set on relationship drama I look forward to Tindr to an extent. Dating sounds painful but might bare some comedy gold.

I've set up with Happy Endings and am running my Tindr profile words through my head. The one thing I've settled on: I subscribe to the Missy Elliott school of thought, it's gotta be worth it if I'm gonna work it.


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