Problems

I have a lot.

I have none.

I have traded in Hannibal for Housewives.

I don't know how I should feel about this. The tone of my mindless comfort has taken a drastic change. Instead of simmering drama and darkly lit scenes, my vision is overwhelmed with tacky prints, glasses thrown and broken, and near constant screaming. I don't think I've heard so many women called prostitutes since I stopped watching Law and Order SVU. I can't say I don't appreciate what would normally be an intolerable and socially unacceptable amount of sequins that are worn at all the parties. And there are SO. MANY. PARTIES. I read this article once about the appeal of Housewives being that Americans worship wealth and excess as signals that someone is successful and, obviously, superior to those with less. Housewives shows us that those people are often as terrible and annoying as the people we know, hopefully more annoying than most people you know, and money just means the weaves getting pulled out are worth more than your cellphone. They're sexist, racist, and often criminal. I can understand after watching several seasons and franchises why Donald Trump was so popular. People apparently love screaming people who are committing tax fraud or other white collar crimes. We all want to be part of the story. 

I love when someone says they're "Not here for the drama" like being there for the drama wasn't a line in the contract.

In the last few years, we've even seen some token people of color being thrown into the historically very white franchises. The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. Inclusivity is the name of the game.

The dog-whistle racism that rolls in like a fog over the course of a season that introduces a woman of color should be taught in classrooms. If you didn't think racism, gaslighting, white privilege, or white guilt were real this would be an enlightening experience. As I am catching up on RHONJ I have to wonder if this was the first and only time many people learned about the intersection of criminal justice and immigration. If you don't know: the husband of a housewife went to prison for bankruptcy fraud and it was discovered that although he had been in the country since he was a year old, he had never filed for citizenship, and so would be deported immediately after completing his sentence and barred from ever reentering the country. He's a terrible, abusive, and often homophobic person, but this is still a problem with the system. It's more proof that criminal justice is not about rehabilitation and reentering society, and it's surprising that it would happen to rich white people that knew Donald Trump. There's an intriguing background narrative about who faces consequences and what the severity of those consequences are. It made great TV when Jen Shah got arrested for running a scam that bilked money from the elderly, and slightly less interesting TV when Erika had to contend with all the questions about her ex-husband stealing settlement money from widows and orphans. It will be interesting to see who gets in more trouble here. With any luck Tom Girardi will die in prison like Robert Durst. It probably doesn't speak well of me that I have very little compassion for incredibly old white men who got away with things for a long time.

One of the storylines recurring across all franchises that I have found relatable is the struggle with body image and disordered eating. I made the mistake recently, since acquiring healthcare, of going to a lot of doctors appointments to try to resolve various problems, both real and imagined, and a consistent concern among my doctors has been my weight. I gained like 25lbs in quarantine and the only reason I'm not starving myself is because I don't live alone. Collin might not notice, but The Kitten asks a lot of questions. Vanity can be so motivating. I think my motivation lately has been in the negative though, and not even vanity can pull it into the positive. I've been eating less junk food (and out less in general) and steadily increasing how active I am, but I'm pretty sure the damage is done and all my organs are failing. I'm definitely going blind. And my teeth are going to fall out in my sleep any day now. My only motivation lately has been the impulsivity caused by an emotional spiraling out. It's done a lot of damage to my hair. I'm trying not to emotionally bleach this year. If I'm not dyeing I'm dying. I'll have to settle for impulsively cutting my hair off. I have a lot of dead ends so it will be okay for a while. There's so much that will need to go as I get new growth. So. Much. Damage. My hair is almost as damaged as my psyche. Similarly, it takes forever to dry out.

My latest concern is a dry patch of skin on the back of my hand. I've found solace in laser focusing on small issues with various parts of my body vs the problems of the wide world of covid. If you think you're dying in a lot of other unrelated ways you can never be disappointed when you die of something else. I can only hope to end up with secret cancer like a beloved celebrity. The anticipation of the day I cough blood into a handkerchief and fall to the ground is literally killing me.

Since the last time I was regularly posting we moved into a new house, that Collin bought because he is prudent and successful, I finally graduated (by the skin of my teeth, which is a saying that makes very little sense), Collin had a birthday, and I got two new jobs (one I quickly quit and then a new one~) I'm making twice as much as I have over the last 3 years, but that is not much at all because I have been working part-time forever. It's nice to have healthcare, but I don't feel protected and many of the visits I have been to have led to few answers. My insurance tried to make me pay for my covid tests myself at 179 a test, so I'm even more convinced I will get covid and die because there's no rapid tests in all of Austin. A lot of the city testing centers have closed- local government is failing us. Society is failing us. My body and organs are failing us. They're probably shutting down because of all the trash TV.

I need to start applying for jobs again soon. This is daunting every time. But I'm tired of being the poorest person I know (even though that probably wouldn't change if I was making anything under 50k). I need to get allergy tests I'll never be able to pay for (apparently they're $700) and an endoscopy that really is out of the question because my deductible is 3k and the endoscopy will probably be applied to all of that. I understand how privileged I am to not have to ration medication. Again, society has failed us.

I'm worried I'm over-correcting. I have purchased like 6 different moisturizers in the last few days. We have several detergents and I got a new color-free, fragrance-free bottle. I've started counting calories and intermittent fasting (sort of, I'm not good at it, but getting better). I take so much allergy medicine. I'm watching far fewer medical dramas. I have too many beauty products, many outfits meant for going out because things were going to get better and I would try to fake body confidence until I made body confidence, whatever that means. I got so much cold weather clothing because it snowed twice last year and people froze to death. I feel over-prepared and under-prepared at all times.

I don't ever want to work in an office again. And I hate dolphins.