Kids with Guns

I hate myself and I want to die.

I'm exhausted.

I should probably be in therapy. I don't know what I would do with therapy. I've tried therapy. But maybe drugs aren't always the answer.

Or maybe I'm not on enough drugs.

Drugs are probably the answer. Things would probably be a lot better if I were on a lot of cocaine. It worked out for that bear. It's getting a movie now!

I Googled "what to do if I don't think therapy works" because I trust Google will answer all my problems. It's a lot like drugs that way. There was a Psychology Today article, because of course there would be, and it said I should set myself up for therapy to work. Get out of abusive relationships. Eat better and exercise. Get 8 hours of sleep a night. You know- just take care of the things you might discuss in therapy before you get into therapy and you will find you feel a lot better about the progress you're making in therapy. I was pretty annoyed the moment I saw "If you're in an abusive relationship, leave." I already knew Psychology Today was not my friend, but that was still unexpectedly terrible.

I just want someone to tell me what I have to buy to feel whole.

I think I might be in a more manic upswing because I just feel restless, angry, and like spending a lot of money could be the answer. Or drugs. I still haven't ruled out that spending a lot of money on drugs might be the answer. But, I've mostly bought make-up. And snacks. In response to being forced to cook for myself for a week I quite ridiculously spent a week and a half eating straight garbage. Like if it was on a list of foods someone might shame someone else over being fat with I probably ate it. I gained 5lbs, as I am sure an Instagram model could have warned me I would, and now the terrible phrase "nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels" is stuck in my head. If it seems like I am crumbling over 5lbs, don't worry, I have many more insecurities I can turn into moral failures, I'm not limiting myself to internalized fatphobia in my glittering palette of self-hatred. It's just one of the easiest things to plan to destroy myself around. So I bought a lot of healthy snacks to swing the other way. I concoct plots over how to be the most self-destructive in the least obvious way because my eating habits effect Collin's. Maybe he wouldn't notice if I just started saying I'm not hungry and didn't eat for a week? I could probably get away with appearing healthy if I just ate vegetables, yogurt and popcorn. I'm hoping if I'm just dissatisfied after every time I eat I'll learn eating just makes me unhappy. This is probably why I need a therapist. I don't know if my psychiatrist has anything for this.

I'm also pretty bummed because I'm not in a bad relationship. As far as I know. I think if I am right now it's probably actually because of me. But I don't think I am. The other day my mom told me she was happy that I had Collin and I needed to just move on and keep looking forward. That's a fine concept- but it's a little hard I think to just move on from a decade of just bad. I can feel myself vibrating with anxiety. Collin and I have been together for a year and a quarter. I can't remember at what point things went bad in my previous relationship. Were things even fine for a year? I don't want to fuck things up again. I remember as I was gaining the 60lbs I would end up with over the course of my relationship with Scott I freaked out and we had sex less and apparently that is why he told Stassney their affair was fine. He told me it's not fun to be with someone that doesn't think they're sexy. It was like RuPaul weaponized: if you can't fuck yourself how in the hell are you going to get someone else to fuck you? So, I obviously have to lose as much weight as possible as fast as possible so that I can feel hot and won't bum out my partner and force him to cheat on me. Scott also said we were always in the same arguments and now I'm worried I'm on the same path to drag Collin into the same arguments. Things should be different. I'm on medication. I should be a different person. It's not enough that he's not the same person. I want to be a different person. I don't want to be the one that starts the problems that dissolve our relationship.

I hate guns. I have never touched a gun or seen one up close. I wouldn't even know how to buy a gun in Texas, and I think you have to be willfully ignorant if you can't get a gun in Texas. I do think about getting shot and shooting myself a lot. I wonder about the pressure you have to use on the trigger. Would I recognize the moment I pulled far enough that there was no going back? Would I know in that moment I made a mistake and have seconds to hold grief for myself- before what? Does it just turn off all the lights? Will I feel all of it? Will it be like Pi and I'm just drilling a hole to my brain with this bullet? What if I've already shot myself and I'm living in those seconds right before stretched out forever in some cinematic twist? I find it hard to believe it will feel quick. Or painless.

Maybe it wouldn't even be final.

But my compulsive thoughts are probably as good a reason as any to not play with guns.

I guess all I'm left with is trying to sleep better and workout.