I Drive Me Mad

I feel bad that I hate Drew Barrymore. She seems like a perfectly nice person. I have no idea why I hold any animosity toward her. 

I have been thinking for a while that I am afraid of offending people.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the way I phrase things and whether my thought process is informed, compassionate, and socially conscious. I live with a lot of shame in my life and I just don't want to compound it. I also don't want to hurt anyone. I consider the jokes I laugh at carefully. I appreciate this added anxiety. I don't want to live self-righteously or anything. I think I'm probably doing the bare minimum. I'm sure that there are people and perspectives that I am missing. There are definitely opinions I'm being dismissive of and feelings I'm shrugging off. I still think I'm better off, and society is better off, trying to adhere to cancel culture. What kind of sociopath is going around unafraid of hurting other people's feelings? White men? Do we all really want to be like white men?

I don't know. Cancel culture is so loaded. I'm sick of hearing about it. It's probably ridiculous to keep talking about something I'm sick of hearing about- like- I'm just contributing to keeping the conversation open, even if like no one pays attention to me. This is still one more unnecessary post about cancel culture.

But it's something I'm obsessed with.

I click on so many articles about it. So many think pieces about how it doesn't exist, or it's actually totally valid, or what new conservatives are using it as a shield or diversion for today. The more recent ones were Dr. Seuss, Mr. Potato Head, and Marjorie Taylor Greene. I really hope some day I have completely forgotten who Marjorie Taylor Greene is...

I think I find it incredibly frustrating because people seem to be afraid of it and any repercussions or backlash, but completely unwilling to alter their own behavior. No one can stop you from supporting white nationalists- but people are going to judge you. This is an extreme analogy, but a completely real one. It's not a matter of people being closed off from new ideas or discourse when someone is called out for being racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, or a sexual harasser/rapist. Even worse- it's often not the case that the people being "cancelled" face real consequences. 

So, in this regard, I welcome criticism, because I don't want to live my whole life as a complete asshole.

I very desperately want to get back to doing amusing things.

Collin and I are finishing Parks and Rec, which we were watching before I decided I hated him in 2012 and finished it by myself. It has been really nice to complete it together. We did the same thing with 30 Rock and there were cringy moments in both of them, but I think they overall held up pretty well and I'm happy to get to experience two of my favorite shows with him. Television was such a big part of my life for so long- one of the primary ways I connect to people- so going through my favorite comedies as we have tried to power through the seemingly never-ending anxiety of the pandemic and tumultuous political landscape has been a lifeline. We just started Broad City, which I never actually saw the final season of, and it is as delightfully absurd as I remember. Early on we watched Difficult People and Happy Endings- both fantastic underrated shows. It's been fun watching Billy Eichner in an early role in Parks and Rec. He maintains the amplified Billy Eichner personality he has built a career on. I sort of want to watch Billy on the Street, but I don't know if I can actually take concentrated Billy Eichner. We also watched all of Schitt's Creek and reveled in the personal growth of the obnoxiously privileged Roses. It made me feel like I could possibly do better when this is all over. We're bitter-sweetly rolling through the final season of Superstore as it comes out and I am still a little more bitter than sweet about America Ferrera leaving the cast. Amy and Jonah were like Leslie and Ben, or Santiago and Peralta...they were just such perfect comedy couple goals. They were exactly what I wanted- a nice supportive guy who isn't threatened by their partner shining. Like an RBG love-story. I guess I kind of have that now because Collin is incredibly supportive of my goals in graduating and whatnot. 

It's a prospect that is sort of exhausting. I'm almost as tired of thinking about school as I am thinking about cancel culture. Life remains so exhausting across most aspects. Maybe I should be less welcoming of feedback on my views and life choices because it could compound the exhaustion.

I miss chik-fil-a and I feel terrible about it and eating meat in general. I crave the chicken nuggets far more frequently than is reasonable because eating at chik-fil-a in the food court as a treat after mall trips was probably one of the few good experiences I had with my parents. It was special and I felt loved. I got waffle fries all to myself. My parents seemed pleased with the indulgence. My parents rarely seemed particularly pleased by anything, so it is nice to think something may have made them happy. I feel like there weren't arguments at chik-fil-a. Arguments were common, frequent even, and particularly volatile, so it's nice to have a memory, however rose-colored it may be, of things being fun and my parents being at peace.

On the heels of Allen v Farrow, I have started the new QAnon docuseries and it's mostly uncritical descent into the bowels of 8chan and QAnon die-hards has been hard to process. Having been recently introduced to a QAnon supporter I feel betrayed by my own attempts to give them the benefit of the doubt. I still want to find a way to like and tolerate them, but the scope of their beliefs that contribute to a culture that doesn't mind doing real harm to others is too much to bear. I feel like I should explain that instead of just ghosting, but I don't think it will ultimately make any difference in their perspective. I'm just glad they're the only QAnon supporter and covid denier that I am aware of in my social ecosystem.

There was also recently another problem that has made me feel unsafe in a way similar to the acknowledgement of how destructive the QAnon thing is: one of our neighbors called the police on a friend picking up a package for me when we went to the other house in Houston for a change of pace. It's hard to shake the feeling that I was being watched this whole time. I sometimes sit in the car when Collin is in a meeting and occasionally just after returning from an errand when I want to finish a program on NPR. I wonder now how insidious this is perceived. Have I ever been a threat to this white woman? She called Collin's landlord, left a note on the door, and called the police. Luckily, the police told her she could not report a package stolen when it was not her package- we would have to file a report when we returned if it was truly a problem. That was a relief because I initially thought there might have been an investigation into my friend.

There are mass shootings happening again. Just another reason to fear going outside. A pandemic, a nosy neighbor, a conspiracy theory that propagates hate and abuse, and domestic terrorists. No wonder I'm so tired. I still haven't slept well since the winter storm in February.

I just want to settle in with more comedies and end the semester with a bunch of Bs. I really hope I can round-up the thoughts to make the next post more positive. I was trying to go out for walks more and now I'm trying not to let this neighbor deter me because I feel unsafe under her gaze. I'm trying to do what Psychology Today wants and pull myself out of my bipolar mess with better habits. Hopefully something will stick.