Maybe This Time

 We saw Cabaret for the first time this weekend. Sort of spur of the moment over two nights because I started it at like 1am on Saturday and neither of us could push through the oddity for two straight hours. I'm not sure I really got the point, but I do now want to go as Sally Bowles for Halloween, so that's something, right? It reminded me a little of Breakfast at Tiffany's but sadder and with more Nazis. I think it's just really hard for me to take a piece of art with a selfish girl who dreams of being more but just can't let herself be loved and do anything more than go "OMG SO ME" in the most millennial way possible. Like the whole time she's flitting around and pretending things are fine and talking things up to make herself seem cooler I'm like #ImBeingAttacked. But I'm not even that good at putting on the interesting enigmatic brave face, I'm so much better at the wide eyed accusations that things were never going to work out anyway.

And I did adore those big eyes and all their pastel shadow.

I'm actually a little surprised that Issa's never done it because she's so her aesthetic.

School started today. The History class I've been taking for the last 10 years must finally be passed along with the Statistics class I've been taking for the last 4...and then I will be in my last two semesters of college. And maybe this time I'll win.

I'm probably in the best set up for it I ever have been because I have an actual support system. I'm not just living on my own working two jobs and flipping out over being lonely and incapable. It's scarier in a way that I'm as far away from being set up to fail as I have been in a long time. EVEN WITH A PANDEMIC.

I already fucked up something though- I messed up the e-mail address my e-book was supposed to go to so I am in the process of correcting that.

I got my broken tooth taken out on Friday.

We've been watching Parks and Rec and Nora From Queens but the thing that tethers me to society the most is Real Housewives of Atlanta because Maeve has thoughts and Esme is getting caught up so it's the most lit thread in our Discord channel. You shouldn't be sleeping on Nora From Queens though. It's on HBO Max and it is fantastic. Collin is really into her grandmother.

I got my broken tooth finally taken out Friday and all week I was worried that they were not going to treat it immediately at all as the pain was starting to become migraine level unbearable. Now I have some pretty serious discomfort and headaches but I am blaming that on the recovery. Still... I spent a lot of last week and then most of today just lamenting my own existence and crying about how miserable I am and nothing seems to get better, and as my embittered self-absorbed and wholly unlovable heroine of a maze of a film I didn't realize at all how much that was effecting my poor boyfriend who has to watch me behave as if I am truly suffering. I'm so much more careful I think about the way I present that to my girlfriends but so flippant about my general melancholy with him I didn't realize at all how often I have been doing this.

And honestly, it's the worst.

I don't want to make him feel bad because I feel bad. And if he were constantly throwing himself on fainting couches or wilting like a little goat because things were hurting his feelings and he was in physical pain he chose to express through tantrums I would feel incredibly bad too for not being able to alleviate that.

My biggest problem now is that I don't really know I'm doing it when it's over. Like I did it, and I got it out, and at some point I'm aware just for my own mental health I gotta shut it down and move on...which I think was fine when it was just me ugly crying at the TV for 45 minutes before a 2 hour sad nap, but when I'm sleeping all day around someone I think it starts to become a communal issue.

And...Scott and I lived our lives on different schedules most of the time (which made the cheating easier for him) and meant that I also mostly dealt with my own overwhelming feelings on my own. I think? Unless I shot a flurry of texts at Ryan or Esme about the latest fuck boy I tried to keep it tight. I may be fooling myself, but that's my inner narrative. Not necessarily the heroine that puts on a brave face- but the heroine that does secretly really self-destructive behaviours and then chills till the system needs to repeat itself. But I at least know enough to not just go chilly cut myself in Collin's kitchen to let some of the bad energy out like I'm seeing a medieval medic and my solution for my chronic hysteria is blood letting. 

So, now, it's like...self monitoring a little. Like...when is this a reasonable reaction? Did I need to ugly sob earlier because I wasn't sure if I should still be taking pain meds three days after an extraction? Probably not...I probably should have just taken the meds. Is it it okay that I'm a little needy and freaked out three days after an extraction? I think so~ the inside of my face feels weird and I can't eat things like normal, my life has changed quite drastically and three days inside a pandemic hellhole with a new weird thing to adjust to is not a lot of days.

I don't think I'm going to feel good about it if I'm still like this at the end of the week.

In the meantime, I did check in on all my due dates and completed my first assignment.