Impulse Control

I say, "We should get married." to Collin in frequent random intervals.

I have a lot of intrusive thoughts and impulses, and between "go stab yourself" and "tell your boyfriend of less than a year you want to marry him" it seems pretty obvious which is okay to give in to. But there's less clean-up involved in telling Collin I want to marry him, so I go with that one anyway.

Another impulse I've been giving into a lot is masturbating. I think the world is just grim enough that every day warrants funeral sex. I've heard this is a thing. Pop-culture tells me so and why would pop-culture lie to me about people getting horny around dead people? Pop-culture would never lie to me! Especially about people getting horny around dead people!! The given excuse for this increased libido seems to be something like "wanting to feel alive." I think I'm operating this on a much more basic level of brain functioning in that it's a quick and easy way to feel good. I know I am alive, and it is horrible. I want to push the button that makes my brain go "yaaaaay!" for like 12 seconds. The other day a spider crawled on me in the middle of my button smashing and I just brushed it off without stopping. This, I think, is the clearest indicator of how everything is messing with my brain. This spider isn't keeping me from this hard reset of my mood. Nothing is!

Although, I always had a pretty high sex drive. I just never did anything about it for myself for most of my life. And I honestly feel really bad for that girl.

It is hard for me to think about when things happened and where they begin and end, but I definitely remember there being a time when the small number of guys I had slept with was part of the sales pitch. "I don't even touch myself~" I purred/slurred desperately at the second person I ever had sex with. It occurs to me now how ridiculous that was on both our parts. He was a much older guy who should have known better. Wanting to sleep with someone because they're "pure" is such a juvenile concept. And lazy. My pitch at that point was basically "I don't know what I want and I won't know how bad you are."

Luckily, when I go on sexual walk-abouts I go hard...so that pitch only worked for a few months.

The focus of this should probably be the way I'm endangering my relationship with my poor impulse control, not the poor sexual decisions of my late teens...but everything's sort of connected, right?

I was able to sleep without medication the last two nights. It was interesting. I think I just tired myself out? I went running twice on Wednesday, played Just Dance, had sex- it was a beautiful day. Thursday was slightly upsetting in the morning, but I forced myself out for a 20 minute walk in the day and Collin and I went for walkies in the evening. Today I did not go out for a run as I had planned. I actually did some work. I read some of this self-help book I bought into when I don't normally buy into those sorts of things...it's called "What Color Is Your Parachute?" I cooked breakfast but not dinner. I didn't have anything to drink.

I'm beginning to think that may be where I went wrong and where I was self-medicating Wednesday and Thursday night...at least tomorrow is the weekend so it doesn't really matter if I can't sleep tonight.

I feel kind of bad that I keep saying "We should get married." TBH. Especially because there's no excitement or urgency any time I say it. It's a very matter-of-fact statement. I feel this is the only thing that is keeping me from being one of the sad women on the reality TV shows I watch that are obsessed with getting their boyfriends to propose to them. I don't want Collin to propose. That would be weird. I also don't feel like I have some social obligation to fulfill in life by getting married. It's no longer a box I feel I need to tick. Like having children. Although, unlike having children I am not repulsed by the idea of marriage. Although, like having children I am slightly repulsed by the idea of having a wedding.

So- we all ask: why are you being so fucking weird?

I don't know! I think all day about throwing glasses across the room in fits and then sometimes I just settle into a moment and look at my boyfriend and feel content and that gets expressed as "I WANT THIS TO BE CONTRACTUAL." Then I go masturbate.

When it's late and I still have energy I think about how often I used to roam the streets at night. I consider that there was a time where I was not afraid of the stillness. I wonder what changed.

When I went out before my rationale was "I'm not interesting enough to be kidnapped or murdered" and "this is a safe city, it's full of white people." I realize both of those are terrible reasons to feel emboldened to wander out alone past midnight, but they were the reasons and I am not going to lie to you. 

I don't think there was that much more traffic out on campus at 4am than there would be out on Burnet right now. I might even be safer now that I'm in the nice part of North Central Austin. Where all the white families are...versus all the white frat guys I casually exposed myself to before.

I never know what I'm so afraid of these days, but it seems to be a lot.

I guess that's why I'm so stubbornly abusing the things that I'm not afraid of that make me feel good.