Today SUCKS

Today sucks.

And it sucks that today sucks because I have been working out every day this week. Which is only 3 days, but that is still more consistent than I had been for a long time. I still made myself go for a 20 minute walk today...but today was largely just sad and sleepy.

The president wants to delay the elections. And the world is still full of pandemic and racial injustice and secret police picking up protesters and generally terrible shit. But for a few days I had energy. I was out walking and running. Yesterday I went out twice then played Just Dance while my nerd boyfriend was busy with DnD and couldn't see my secret shame.

Then today sucked. Because there's a seemingly increased chance that America is going to become one of those countries where a despot refuses to leave power and this guy is so dumb and so terrible an already flawed country is becoming a laughing stock shithole. And to anyone who would say "Well if you don't like it, fuck you and leave." I WOULD. But we are not allowed to travel because of how fucking terribly we've mismanaged a global pandemic many other countries have relatively taken care of!!! Also- everywhere kind of sucks and is racist.

I'm not in a good mood.

I don't know why I felt the need to document how terrible my mood is, but there's literally nothing else of interest to me today. 

I don't actually want to be depressed and sleep all day because some asshole is ruining everyone's lives. I want to have energy to do something about how the government is basically allowing for genocide through negligence because they refuse to take real steps to care for people of color. Or- even just have the energy to do normal people things. Like work. And read. Or watch TV. Fucking anything. I don't even actually have the energy to sleep...it just was happening most of the morning after being notified about how rotten today is...

And this abhorrent jerk is only making these remarks to throw people off the scent of the secret police and the fact that the GDP is tanking. Which...like...the GDP was already a terrible way of measuring how successful a country is and was never intended to be used to gauge standard of living in the first place...but if things were terrible and people were really losing when the GDP was good how nonsense unlivable can things be for people at the bottom now?!

Today SUCKS. 

I'm not here for it. And I guess I just want record in case I forget some time in the future that there are certain people who should not be forgiven.

Herman Cain died. He's the highest politician to have contracted Coronavirus and died and it seems truly unfair when other white people in power were able to recover. He had preexisting issues because he survived cancer- but then that just reminds me that my own mother just survived cancer. And Latinx people are getting sick and dying at a higher rate. Mostly because they work in food service, farms and meat packing...grocery stores and other places where they have been labeled essential workers but treated as essentially expendable for very little pay. And my mother and father are blessedly retired and have not had friends in years so they don't feel the need to go anywhere but the grocery store...but even that is a risk.

I haven't touched my parents in 5 months and I never would have guessed how much it hurts me that it's been so long. I mean, when I lived in Austin I found excuses to only go over quarterly. More during the holidays. But its so deeply upsetting, despite all the fights and awkwardness...to not even be able to hang out for the 5 minutes that I usually try to escape from.

I had a wonderful weekend that bled into a pretty good week and today sucks. And I miss my parents.