I Meant To Be Done Hours Ago
There's a really bright blinking light at the corner of the desk in the "living room/office space" because Collin is a scientist. A steady, blue heartbeat amongst wires, just under the glow of a red light. It's a very sci-fi looking arrangement in the eerie stillness of 1:30 in the morning. It's something he would normally have unplugged, but he was tired and went to sleep early, so it gets to stay awake with me. It gets to know the world I know. The world that happens when no one unplugs you at midnight.
It's not a terribly interesting world.
I was watching the latest season of On My Block and that was going really well. I had been skittish about getting started on it because it could be a bit of an emotional roller coaster, or at least season 2 was, and the cliffhanger was so startling I wasn't sure I could handle it with everything else going on. I'm only 4 episodes in, but they have been charming and sweet as they can be, so I feel I was being overprotective of myself. But I can be very fragile. It's best to err on the side of caution.
I need to cut my nails. It's a little hard to type. I have been considering painting them for days, that blended into weeks, that have become months, but nothing has come of these musings. I have nail polish with me. I don't know if I had it in my car from the last girl-hang pre-Coronavirus or if I intentionally brought it to Collin's house when we decided I would be "staying there" which has functionally turned into moving in. I don't know if I moved in with it.
There is a possible end in sight to my stay now, even if no end in sight for the cause of it.
My office might be opening back up in October.
Now even though I had no intention in March of living with Collin in the near-future, the idea that we may no longer be living together in the near-future is jarring. Especially because I intend to move to Austin, so I wouldn't take The Kitten with me if I'll be going back and forth. I have considered asking him to move with me, if he can work remotely. But, I quickly remember that I don't really live like a person on my own.
Collin's like a fully formed human being. He has a desk, a couch, chairs and bookshelves. I never grew out of the efficiency I became when I separated from my last relationship. I'm just a mattress on a boxspring in a "dining room/bedroom".
If this hasn't been addressed before, at some point in my life alone in a house I became paranoid about how far away the master bedroom is from the exits, so I pulled my bed and TV out into the unused dining room to resume my efficiency life style in a two-bedroom house. The Kitten had her own room, of course.
So, I can't really ask Collin to live with me. And the idea of going back to seeing each other for 48 hours every two weeks makes my heart ache a little. But I guess that's a future me's problem, and there's a lot that could happen in almost two months. I could start loving Collin much less.
"I love you, but I'm not always sure where I am" is a weird thing to feel. It's a pretty hard thing to say. Then it's a very strange thing to get a reaction to. I don't know if I even ever told Scott that sometimes I don't feel real. Or know what's real. Or understand how reality can even be a thing. I don't know that I ever mentioned this occasional hyper-focus on existence can feel very distressing and entirely disorienting. I don't think I've ever held back from Collin, though, so it is something I have told him. It's something I've had to say a few times since we started seeing each other. He always makes this face, that I've only seen before from one of my best friends, of "concerned acceptance". I don't know if I have the emotional intelligence to mimic it. This face is served with, "I'm sorry, I'm here for you, is there anything I can do to help?"
And I have been thinking about Scott a lot lately.
I have been with Collin for just over 2/3rds of a year now.
And half of that has been through the apocalypse.
And I'm thinking about Scott because I'm starting to lose memories I'm not attached to. But they're both nerdy white men from Austin so a lot of things feel very familiar. They're millennial geeks so they grew up on a lot of sci-fi and liked Cowboy Bebop. And most of what we do is watch TV. Although, to be fair, that's most of what everyone is doing right now.
And I'm thinking about Scott because it was my last disastrous real relationship and nearly a third of my life and I'm waiting to see the signs that I know I ignored the last time I was so desperate to be loved. I knew Scott wasn't getting to see his infant daughter because he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend. I knew Scott didn't believe in college. More importantly, he didn't support me finishing college. I knew he didn't want to travel. I knew he didn't...do, or want, or validate a lot.
I have been thinking about Scott a lot because "I'm here for you, is there anything I can do to help?" is not a reaction that I would have gotten to any odd or negative feelings. But he did help me gain a lot of independence from my parents, he helped me get a car, and things couldn't have always been bad...although, I guess when someone's cheating on you the entire time things are factually always bad...
So I'm constantly going through this mental check-list as I am losing memories.
I just so desperately want to stop screwing myself.
I have a lot of panic attacks. And in this perverse way it's fantastic- because I tell Collin. And I feel supported in a way that I previously only felt from my very closest girlfriends. And I feel loved because I feel genuinely supported and cared for and heard. And it's very nice. And it's very scary. It's very new.
Yet it's not new. And it gets to be less new hourly. Its newness is smudged across the very nebulous feeling passage of time. It's just becoming a fact that I have to accept.
I think this love is like a little gift. Gifts are meant to be purposeful and thoughtful. They bring joy, but are eventually just there. They just become a part of the facts of your life. This is another thing that I have. But gifts are meant to be reciprocated. It's the unspoken contract of gifts. It's the unspoken contract of love. I mean this all in a way that both is and isn't darling. I'm holding this aging present as I tick off notes about parts of me that are broken and the broken people that helped break them and feeling the weight of it to measure the worth of what I should give back.
What can I give back?
My biggest fear is that I am not as good a gift-giver.
It's not a terribly interesting world.
I was watching the latest season of On My Block and that was going really well. I had been skittish about getting started on it because it could be a bit of an emotional roller coaster, or at least season 2 was, and the cliffhanger was so startling I wasn't sure I could handle it with everything else going on. I'm only 4 episodes in, but they have been charming and sweet as they can be, so I feel I was being overprotective of myself. But I can be very fragile. It's best to err on the side of caution.
I need to cut my nails. It's a little hard to type. I have been considering painting them for days, that blended into weeks, that have become months, but nothing has come of these musings. I have nail polish with me. I don't know if I had it in my car from the last girl-hang pre-Coronavirus or if I intentionally brought it to Collin's house when we decided I would be "staying there" which has functionally turned into moving in. I don't know if I moved in with it.
There is a possible end in sight to my stay now, even if no end in sight for the cause of it.
My office might be opening back up in October.
Now even though I had no intention in March of living with Collin in the near-future, the idea that we may no longer be living together in the near-future is jarring. Especially because I intend to move to Austin, so I wouldn't take The Kitten with me if I'll be going back and forth. I have considered asking him to move with me, if he can work remotely. But, I quickly remember that I don't really live like a person on my own.
Collin's like a fully formed human being. He has a desk, a couch, chairs and bookshelves. I never grew out of the efficiency I became when I separated from my last relationship. I'm just a mattress on a boxspring in a "dining room/bedroom".
If this hasn't been addressed before, at some point in my life alone in a house I became paranoid about how far away the master bedroom is from the exits, so I pulled my bed and TV out into the unused dining room to resume my efficiency life style in a two-bedroom house. The Kitten had her own room, of course.
So, I can't really ask Collin to live with me. And the idea of going back to seeing each other for 48 hours every two weeks makes my heart ache a little. But I guess that's a future me's problem, and there's a lot that could happen in almost two months. I could start loving Collin much less.
"I love you, but I'm not always sure where I am" is a weird thing to feel. It's a pretty hard thing to say. Then it's a very strange thing to get a reaction to. I don't know if I even ever told Scott that sometimes I don't feel real. Or know what's real. Or understand how reality can even be a thing. I don't know that I ever mentioned this occasional hyper-focus on existence can feel very distressing and entirely disorienting. I don't think I've ever held back from Collin, though, so it is something I have told him. It's something I've had to say a few times since we started seeing each other. He always makes this face, that I've only seen before from one of my best friends, of "concerned acceptance". I don't know if I have the emotional intelligence to mimic it. This face is served with, "I'm sorry, I'm here for you, is there anything I can do to help?"
And I have been thinking about Scott a lot lately.
I have been with Collin for just over 2/3rds of a year now.
And half of that has been through the apocalypse.
And I'm thinking about Scott because I'm starting to lose memories I'm not attached to. But they're both nerdy white men from Austin so a lot of things feel very familiar. They're millennial geeks so they grew up on a lot of sci-fi and liked Cowboy Bebop. And most of what we do is watch TV. Although, to be fair, that's most of what everyone is doing right now.
And I'm thinking about Scott because it was my last disastrous real relationship and nearly a third of my life and I'm waiting to see the signs that I know I ignored the last time I was so desperate to be loved. I knew Scott wasn't getting to see his infant daughter because he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend. I knew Scott didn't believe in college. More importantly, he didn't support me finishing college. I knew he didn't want to travel. I knew he didn't...do, or want, or validate a lot.
I have been thinking about Scott a lot because "I'm here for you, is there anything I can do to help?" is not a reaction that I would have gotten to any odd or negative feelings. But he did help me gain a lot of independence from my parents, he helped me get a car, and things couldn't have always been bad...although, I guess when someone's cheating on you the entire time things are factually always bad...
So I'm constantly going through this mental check-list as I am losing memories.
I just so desperately want to stop screwing myself.
I have a lot of panic attacks. And in this perverse way it's fantastic- because I tell Collin. And I feel supported in a way that I previously only felt from my very closest girlfriends. And I feel loved because I feel genuinely supported and cared for and heard. And it's very nice. And it's very scary. It's very new.
Yet it's not new. And it gets to be less new hourly. Its newness is smudged across the very nebulous feeling passage of time. It's just becoming a fact that I have to accept.
I think this love is like a little gift. Gifts are meant to be purposeful and thoughtful. They bring joy, but are eventually just there. They just become a part of the facts of your life. This is another thing that I have. But gifts are meant to be reciprocated. It's the unspoken contract of gifts. It's the unspoken contract of love. I mean this all in a way that both is and isn't darling. I'm holding this aging present as I tick off notes about parts of me that are broken and the broken people that helped break them and feeling the weight of it to measure the worth of what I should give back.
What can I give back?
My biggest fear is that I am not as good a gift-giver.
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