Day 576
Why does my boyfriend use so much Spanglish? Why is that a white guy thing? You're not forgetting what the word is in this new language you've learned. It's not the product of growing up first generation American in a Spanish speaking household. Honestly, he intersperses Spanish more often than any Hispanic person I know.
These are the things that haunt me in this new and troubling time. My boyfriend is a basic-ass white guy for doing this basic-ass white guy thing. Like, stepping off a curb, double finger guns saying "I'll catch you guys, mañana~" level basic.
It's incredibly weird that my furthest relationship has become my closest relationship to a now uncomfortably close degree and I'm so far away from all my formerly incredibly close female relationships. Like, we started a discord channel, but I have no idea what small cultural slights any one of them is committing right now! It's like I don't even know who they are!
It's like I don't even know who I'm are...
I'm are- napping. A lot. Finding, and losing, daily, things to be irritated about- like the punchy way my boyfriend spices up conversation~ (don't worry, this isn't passive aggressive, I think...we just talked about it and white guys doing it, I'm starting a thesis on it tomorrow...although...the PhD I'm aiming for could be in passive aggressive behaviors~ it's a field my family knows well...)
I've been playing a decent amount of Animal Crossing. I find that I like to have fake money with which to buy fake clothes and fake interior decor. I have been getting progressively better at staying engaged, although I still don't know how people lose hours in it. Good for them, though! I am still losing hours on TV, but without nearly as much pleasure as when it was something I was willingly wasting my day with, not begrudgingly wasting my day with. I think I begrudge everything, just a little. I am betting that's not an uncommon feeling.
I know the mild irritation with my significant other in random intervals is not an uncommon feeling. I still very much prefer being here, and he's a delight, but also, his bed is mad tiny and I hate his past life choices because I can't sleep. There's actually really nothing else wrong. The bed and the Spanish, so it could be way worse.
I'm far more the issue. I just sort of exploded as soon as I got here. There's clothes and garbage everywhere. I try to clean as I go, but it's like a snail trying to mop...there's just a trail of goo following me anyway. I brought over art supplies this time to pretend I would be able to be creative and entertain myself that way when the mere thought of being productive fills me with existential dread. This post is only coming out because I really need some one else to talk to about this whole "white guys speaking Spanish for no reason" thing. I wonder if I would even think about it if I were not Hispanic...like, if we were both white would I just be like- participating? Would I end sentences with hombre like a fucking nightmare person??
I've been practicing French again...perhaps in an effort to reclaim territory. If you're going to casually throw in Spanish, white people, I'm going to casually abuse one of your languages! Except- I feel like the better equivalent would be obnoxiously using English terms and spellings from England. "Oh! I love that colour!" "That's a sticky wicket!" "I think I'd quite like some beans on toast!" Alternatively- German. German will forever feel like the whitest language because they tried to make it that way twice. And, you know, there's the neo-nazis there wanting that again...so...soz Germany.
Oooo...but I guess if I'm going to get into who gets to use what languages with what level of casualness that sort of brings up colonizers, right? Wow. Being a human is so complex because of all the ways we've been hella shitty to each other. I guess not being able to be around anyone else now should be somewhat of a relief.
It kind of is a relief to know I will never have to shake another person's hand. It's definitely not the way I would want to have this cultural shift occur...but I guess we have to find some silver linings? That's my one.
Jumping back around- the kitten is here and she has added to the ways in which I am problematic because I mostly ignore her litter box and eventually ask Collin to take care of it. I'm an entitled monster. I also make him make all the coffee, but I do all the cooking...so that seems like a fair trade. I've taken to pacing and thrashing about in the middle of the night though...so, I feel, I am definitely getting the better deal as far as things that could conceivably be found annoying in one's partner. The pacing and thrashing are not something I'm proud of...it never occurred to me that I might be the kind of person to get stir crazy because I spent all my time off in bed watching things...but I guess going to an actual office or an actual campus was really stimulating. Getting to see a friend every two weeks was nice. I don't know that I really miss going out so much as the energy of physically being around my friends. I think- in the least spiritual or hippie-ish way possible- being around someone feels different than just speaking to someone over the phone or seeing them over the computer. I just want to go to a friend's place and drink and watch TV...which seems so spectacularly silly.
These are the things that haunt me in this new and troubling time. My boyfriend is a basic-ass white guy for doing this basic-ass white guy thing. Like, stepping off a curb, double finger guns saying "I'll catch you guys, mañana~" level basic.
It's incredibly weird that my furthest relationship has become my closest relationship to a now uncomfortably close degree and I'm so far away from all my formerly incredibly close female relationships. Like, we started a discord channel, but I have no idea what small cultural slights any one of them is committing right now! It's like I don't even know who they are!
It's like I don't even know who I'm are...
I'm are- napping. A lot. Finding, and losing, daily, things to be irritated about- like the punchy way my boyfriend spices up conversation~ (don't worry, this isn't passive aggressive, I think...we just talked about it and white guys doing it, I'm starting a thesis on it tomorrow...although...the PhD I'm aiming for could be in passive aggressive behaviors~ it's a field my family knows well...)
I've been playing a decent amount of Animal Crossing. I find that I like to have fake money with which to buy fake clothes and fake interior decor. I have been getting progressively better at staying engaged, although I still don't know how people lose hours in it. Good for them, though! I am still losing hours on TV, but without nearly as much pleasure as when it was something I was willingly wasting my day with, not begrudgingly wasting my day with. I think I begrudge everything, just a little. I am betting that's not an uncommon feeling.
I know the mild irritation with my significant other in random intervals is not an uncommon feeling. I still very much prefer being here, and he's a delight, but also, his bed is mad tiny and I hate his past life choices because I can't sleep. There's actually really nothing else wrong. The bed and the Spanish, so it could be way worse.
I'm far more the issue. I just sort of exploded as soon as I got here. There's clothes and garbage everywhere. I try to clean as I go, but it's like a snail trying to mop...there's just a trail of goo following me anyway. I brought over art supplies this time to pretend I would be able to be creative and entertain myself that way when the mere thought of being productive fills me with existential dread. This post is only coming out because I really need some one else to talk to about this whole "white guys speaking Spanish for no reason" thing. I wonder if I would even think about it if I were not Hispanic...like, if we were both white would I just be like- participating? Would I end sentences with hombre like a fucking nightmare person??
I've been practicing French again...perhaps in an effort to reclaim territory. If you're going to casually throw in Spanish, white people, I'm going to casually abuse one of your languages! Except- I feel like the better equivalent would be obnoxiously using English terms and spellings from England. "Oh! I love that colour!" "That's a sticky wicket!" "I think I'd quite like some beans on toast!" Alternatively- German. German will forever feel like the whitest language because they tried to make it that way twice. And, you know, there's the neo-nazis there wanting that again...so...soz Germany.
Oooo...but I guess if I'm going to get into who gets to use what languages with what level of casualness that sort of brings up colonizers, right? Wow. Being a human is so complex because of all the ways we've been hella shitty to each other. I guess not being able to be around anyone else now should be somewhat of a relief.
It kind of is a relief to know I will never have to shake another person's hand. It's definitely not the way I would want to have this cultural shift occur...but I guess we have to find some silver linings? That's my one.
Jumping back around- the kitten is here and she has added to the ways in which I am problematic because I mostly ignore her litter box and eventually ask Collin to take care of it. I'm an entitled monster. I also make him make all the coffee, but I do all the cooking...so that seems like a fair trade. I've taken to pacing and thrashing about in the middle of the night though...so, I feel, I am definitely getting the better deal as far as things that could conceivably be found annoying in one's partner. The pacing and thrashing are not something I'm proud of...it never occurred to me that I might be the kind of person to get stir crazy because I spent all my time off in bed watching things...but I guess going to an actual office or an actual campus was really stimulating. Getting to see a friend every two weeks was nice. I don't know that I really miss going out so much as the energy of physically being around my friends. I think- in the least spiritual or hippie-ish way possible- being around someone feels different than just speaking to someone over the phone or seeing them over the computer. I just want to go to a friend's place and drink and watch TV...which seems so spectacularly silly.
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