I Don't Know What I'm Doing
And neither do you.
What do I say at the end of the world?
Probably start with, "This isn't the end of the world, you're being super dramatic."
But I have always had a flair for it, the drama, so it would be silly to stop now that it is a little more understandable. The whole world is just so much drama right now. The year 2020 is the person 6 drinks in, sloshing their next one, and loudly announcing that they are "NOT HERE FOR ANY DRAMA THIS YEAR" before telling off 3 of their friends, stripping down and falling into the pool... no that that is a scene I would have any direct experience in making. Definitely not standing on top of anything.
I've been trying for what feels like weeks to come up with something to write. It has technically been a few weeks since things started to get bad in America, and Texas specifically has not been shut down for very long, but it feels like weeks longer than it has been. With like no end in sight.
You know this.
You're living it too.
There's surprisingly little comfort in the idea that "we're all in this together" though. I would feel way better if none of us were in this. And, honestly, because I'm a hideous person, at least slightly better if I were not in this. I was listening to Fresh Air and Terry Gross was interviewing Max Brooks about World War Z and why he chose China for the starting point of an epidemic, and one of the reasons he gave is that people easily and constantly travel out of China. This is apparently significant because when a terrible disease pops up in a more isolated or harder to travel to area you have a better chance of containing it. He brought up diseases in southern Africa popping up in small villages and I thought of how ages ago I was obsessed with Ebola because I thought it melted your insides. I'm similarly a little obsessed with Chernobyl right now, and I know I'm late to the game, but it also feels pretty relevant what with the government botching a job of protecting people because they didn't understand what the fuck they were dealing with... but anyway... this is back to say- that when I was obsessed with Ebola it was not something I had to directly fear. Ebola wasn't a global phenomenon. COVID 19 is basically the BTS of viruses, or maybe the Old Town Road? It's everywhere. Ebola was concerning, and like all disasters, made me feel bad for the people being effected, but I wasn't one of them.
Luckily, I am not so directly effected by this either. But my old old parents that cause me such grief are so very very old, and I am finding myself living with this new constant anxiety about them becoming ill. So, it's not comforting to think that everyone else also knows old people, immune compromised people, or children. It doesn't help my anxiety that you're anxious. I hope you aren't. I don't want to be.
I guess the idea is that if we are all in this we'll find a way to pull through together, because a society is about pulling through things together. That's a charming thought.
So- I've been trying to find motivation to write or draw or do anything other than eat and sleep. I've even lost interest in TV to a degree. That's so big! I love TV! TV was my life! I could waste so much time on TV. All the time, really~ I logged out of Facebook and dropped out of Messenger to just generally bury my head in the cool, cat-filled sands of Instagram. I spend all day looking for my next fix of something cute and pretty to take my mind off the fact that the simple act of going into the office was far more stimulating than I had given it credit. I have the privilege of working from home. I mean, everything should be cancelled and the people at the top should just finally give up their money so everyone else can just fucking survive for a sec, but I recognize that I have it better than others in that I'm still able to "earn" money right now. I'm not being very productive there, either. Slightly better than I am in any other aspect of productivity- unless we are now counting sleep...which, to be honest, it's 3AM now, so I'm not doing great there either.
What was the point of this?
I'm sad. We're all sad. And anxious. And I guess writing about it for myself to look back on, or anyone to look back on, or the squirrels to try to decipher when they take over what is left of the garbage planet we've made, seems like a thing to do.
Especially because even in these odd circumstances I find myself feeling like my circumstances are a little particularly odd because I am currently staying with my boyfriend. My delightful boyfriend who is also somewhat neurotic and who I meant to write a grand epic about that I have not been able to get around to completing. What with the upending of my personal life quickly running into the upending of the health and economy of the world.
So here's the condensed version as kind of a timeline:
2007 - I meet Collin at a party and ask him out immediately. I am rejected. We run in the same circle, don't get too close, then I move around a bit and fall out of that circle for a while.
2009 - I start dating Scott and shortly after run into Issa. This is followed by reintegrating into the circle of friends Collin and I shared. I hang out with Collin's roommates a bit, Collin joins, I fall for Collin again, Collin likes someone else. Annoyed, I stop hanging out with him.
2011 - 2012 - Collin and I are reunited because I guess I just felt like it? It's not like I ever stopped liking him. He's one of my favorite people. Although, I did definitely say I hated him A LOT. I finally convince him to date me, he's not enthusiastic enough about it, we break up, I hate him. There's a bit of an on-and-off friendship before I talk him into dating other people because I want an excuse to hate him even more (and so he gets more experience for my long con), he goes for it, I get annoyed and I stop hanging out with him.
Somehow we manage to go without running into each other pretty much the entire time I repeatedly claim to hate him because he's a horrible person (even though, factually, he's one of the nicest people I know). And not in a biased way. He's one of the nicest people everyone knows. He tries so hard. It's so annoying. Everyone loves him. It's so annoying. I really love him, I swear... I'm just constantly annoyed by the emotion because I'm broken.
Anyway-
2016 - Collin and I have drunk sex in the spare room at a friend's party because we're both objectionable people. And, like, grossly just keep coming together. It is super awkward the next morning because I spent 4 years hating him for not being into me enough when we dated. He seems too casual about the fact that we had sex - very throw-away experience vibes~ So I push him out of my life pretty quickly. And talk a lot of shit.
October 25th 2019 - Quotes and random things from the time Collin and I spent sort of obsessed with each other in 2009, 2011 and 2012 keep popping up and I miss him. I would never tell him. We actually hung out like constantly, it wasn't that weird that I was so desperately into him back then, he was like my best friend (other than Issa). So, I would never tell him, until I get plastered and spontaneously message him to make fun of him for having adult braces the last time we saw each other, which I follow up by immediately apologizing for being so mean because I liked him so much and he didn't like me back. This I immediately follow up with confessing that I still really like him and never really stopped liking him and keep dating terrible lame nerds because I've been trying to find someone else like him in a very Adele fashion.
November 3rd - I accidentally lose my keys (in a shoe, I later discover) and have a panic attack through text with him about how I'm completely screwed because I can't get back to Houston, so he, because he is one of the nicest people I know, volunteers to drive me from Austin to get a spare key from Houston. Obviously, I was furious. Ryan was there. She was thrilled. She had met him a few nights before and loved him for me and took this as a huge sign. I was horrified and embarrassed because I had spent that whole night wanting all his attention and taking him up on this offer felt like another step toward my inevitable billionth rejection. Still, it was the best offer I had. And it wasn't weird at all even though we'd been apart for like 7 years we talked in the car and I rambled and we joked and it felt great. So natural. Too natural. So, of course, I asked him out a week later. Because I am a nut job. And cannot control myself. And Ryan told me to do it. But I was definitely going to anyway.
Obviously this led to Collin saying he was excited about trying again with me despite the fact that we were now living 3 hours away from each other. We agree to see each other every other weekend. This led to me saying "I love you" like another 2 weeks later. Which led to spending Thanksgiving together. Then Christmas break into New Years Eve, where for the first time ever I got to kiss the boy I liked at midnight. Then Valentines Day. Finally, I spend 10 days at his place for Spring Break, and while I'm here things all over the world get really messy.
So it all just feels like really weird timing.
But I guess the point, if anything has a point anymore, is that although everything is super weird and it feels totally surreal to be here, I don't think there's anyone else I'd rather be with at the end of the world.
Which is annoying and gross.
What do I say at the end of the world?
Probably start with, "This isn't the end of the world, you're being super dramatic."
But I have always had a flair for it, the drama, so it would be silly to stop now that it is a little more understandable. The whole world is just so much drama right now. The year 2020 is the person 6 drinks in, sloshing their next one, and loudly announcing that they are "NOT HERE FOR ANY DRAMA THIS YEAR" before telling off 3 of their friends, stripping down and falling into the pool... no that that is a scene I would have any direct experience in making. Definitely not standing on top of anything.
I've been trying for what feels like weeks to come up with something to write. It has technically been a few weeks since things started to get bad in America, and Texas specifically has not been shut down for very long, but it feels like weeks longer than it has been. With like no end in sight.
You know this.
You're living it too.
There's surprisingly little comfort in the idea that "we're all in this together" though. I would feel way better if none of us were in this. And, honestly, because I'm a hideous person, at least slightly better if I were not in this. I was listening to Fresh Air and Terry Gross was interviewing Max Brooks about World War Z and why he chose China for the starting point of an epidemic, and one of the reasons he gave is that people easily and constantly travel out of China. This is apparently significant because when a terrible disease pops up in a more isolated or harder to travel to area you have a better chance of containing it. He brought up diseases in southern Africa popping up in small villages and I thought of how ages ago I was obsessed with Ebola because I thought it melted your insides. I'm similarly a little obsessed with Chernobyl right now, and I know I'm late to the game, but it also feels pretty relevant what with the government botching a job of protecting people because they didn't understand what the fuck they were dealing with... but anyway... this is back to say- that when I was obsessed with Ebola it was not something I had to directly fear. Ebola wasn't a global phenomenon. COVID 19 is basically the BTS of viruses, or maybe the Old Town Road? It's everywhere. Ebola was concerning, and like all disasters, made me feel bad for the people being effected, but I wasn't one of them.
Luckily, I am not so directly effected by this either. But my old old parents that cause me such grief are so very very old, and I am finding myself living with this new constant anxiety about them becoming ill. So, it's not comforting to think that everyone else also knows old people, immune compromised people, or children. It doesn't help my anxiety that you're anxious. I hope you aren't. I don't want to be.
I guess the idea is that if we are all in this we'll find a way to pull through together, because a society is about pulling through things together. That's a charming thought.
So- I've been trying to find motivation to write or draw or do anything other than eat and sleep. I've even lost interest in TV to a degree. That's so big! I love TV! TV was my life! I could waste so much time on TV. All the time, really~ I logged out of Facebook and dropped out of Messenger to just generally bury my head in the cool, cat-filled sands of Instagram. I spend all day looking for my next fix of something cute and pretty to take my mind off the fact that the simple act of going into the office was far more stimulating than I had given it credit. I have the privilege of working from home. I mean, everything should be cancelled and the people at the top should just finally give up their money so everyone else can just fucking survive for a sec, but I recognize that I have it better than others in that I'm still able to "earn" money right now. I'm not being very productive there, either. Slightly better than I am in any other aspect of productivity- unless we are now counting sleep...which, to be honest, it's 3AM now, so I'm not doing great there either.
What was the point of this?
I'm sad. We're all sad. And anxious. And I guess writing about it for myself to look back on, or anyone to look back on, or the squirrels to try to decipher when they take over what is left of the garbage planet we've made, seems like a thing to do.
Especially because even in these odd circumstances I find myself feeling like my circumstances are a little particularly odd because I am currently staying with my boyfriend. My delightful boyfriend who is also somewhat neurotic and who I meant to write a grand epic about that I have not been able to get around to completing. What with the upending of my personal life quickly running into the upending of the health and economy of the world.
So here's the condensed version as kind of a timeline:
2007 - I meet Collin at a party and ask him out immediately. I am rejected. We run in the same circle, don't get too close, then I move around a bit and fall out of that circle for a while.
2009 - I start dating Scott and shortly after run into Issa. This is followed by reintegrating into the circle of friends Collin and I shared. I hang out with Collin's roommates a bit, Collin joins, I fall for Collin again, Collin likes someone else. Annoyed, I stop hanging out with him.
2011 - 2012 - Collin and I are reunited because I guess I just felt like it? It's not like I ever stopped liking him. He's one of my favorite people. Although, I did definitely say I hated him A LOT. I finally convince him to date me, he's not enthusiastic enough about it, we break up, I hate him. There's a bit of an on-and-off friendship before I talk him into dating other people because I want an excuse to hate him even more (and so he gets more experience for my long con), he goes for it, I get annoyed and I stop hanging out with him.
Somehow we manage to go without running into each other pretty much the entire time I repeatedly claim to hate him because he's a horrible person (even though, factually, he's one of the nicest people I know). And not in a biased way. He's one of the nicest people everyone knows. He tries so hard. It's so annoying. Everyone loves him. It's so annoying. I really love him, I swear... I'm just constantly annoyed by the emotion because I'm broken.
Anyway-
2016 - Collin and I have drunk sex in the spare room at a friend's party because we're both objectionable people. And, like, grossly just keep coming together. It is super awkward the next morning because I spent 4 years hating him for not being into me enough when we dated. He seems too casual about the fact that we had sex - very throw-away experience vibes~ So I push him out of my life pretty quickly. And talk a lot of shit.
October 25th 2019 - Quotes and random things from the time Collin and I spent sort of obsessed with each other in 2009, 2011 and 2012 keep popping up and I miss him. I would never tell him. We actually hung out like constantly, it wasn't that weird that I was so desperately into him back then, he was like my best friend (other than Issa). So, I would never tell him, until I get plastered and spontaneously message him to make fun of him for having adult braces the last time we saw each other, which I follow up by immediately apologizing for being so mean because I liked him so much and he didn't like me back. This I immediately follow up with confessing that I still really like him and never really stopped liking him and keep dating terrible lame nerds because I've been trying to find someone else like him in a very Adele fashion.
November 3rd - I accidentally lose my keys (in a shoe, I later discover) and have a panic attack through text with him about how I'm completely screwed because I can't get back to Houston, so he, because he is one of the nicest people I know, volunteers to drive me from Austin to get a spare key from Houston. Obviously, I was furious. Ryan was there. She was thrilled. She had met him a few nights before and loved him for me and took this as a huge sign. I was horrified and embarrassed because I had spent that whole night wanting all his attention and taking him up on this offer felt like another step toward my inevitable billionth rejection. Still, it was the best offer I had. And it wasn't weird at all even though we'd been apart for like 7 years we talked in the car and I rambled and we joked and it felt great. So natural. Too natural. So, of course, I asked him out a week later. Because I am a nut job. And cannot control myself. And Ryan told me to do it. But I was definitely going to anyway.
Obviously this led to Collin saying he was excited about trying again with me despite the fact that we were now living 3 hours away from each other. We agree to see each other every other weekend. This led to me saying "I love you" like another 2 weeks later. Which led to spending Thanksgiving together. Then Christmas break into New Years Eve, where for the first time ever I got to kiss the boy I liked at midnight. Then Valentines Day. Finally, I spend 10 days at his place for Spring Break, and while I'm here things all over the world get really messy.
So it all just feels like really weird timing.
But I guess the point, if anything has a point anymore, is that although everything is super weird and it feels totally surreal to be here, I don't think there's anyone else I'd rather be with at the end of the world.
Which is annoying and gross.
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