I'm Not The Girl That I Intend To Be

So, I'm going to generalize a complaint about generalizing for a sec, because I just looked in the mirror. Here goes: transwomen and drag queens have this tendency to talk frankly about "passing" and how hard it can be for them sometimes with all their manly-man body hair and facial hair. This complaint is like, inadvertently throwing shade at my 5 o'clock shadow that totally does not need the help. I need some lightening cream, ladies, leave me alone. It's just silly fun that we're all hurting each other all the time. If I put a wig on and forget to do my eyebrows I am definitely going to be confused for someone in drag. Well, probably not. I have a pretty soft face, I might pass. Although, like, honestly, I don't know if I do identify as "a woman" or even want to- but I know that's what people immediately identify me as and that even though I biologically am, I don't really fit the standard because of my lack of care. I guess my point is, gurl don't hate, you look beautiful and womanly and there are cis-women who totally know your pain.

Also, that maybe I should cover all my mirrors like I'm in mourning. If I never saw myself again, maybe I'd be a happier more well-adjusted person. Isn't that the whole premise of an Amy Schumer movie? If you're not aware of how ugly you are you can succeed? Maybe I wouldn't spend 50 minutes every day thinking "Fuck, I have to do my eyebrows, I'm a monster" and focus more on how I am internally not a good person, and thus a monster. Fifty minutes is a lot of time, but I feel like it's really not that small of an amount of time in the day. I think I could manage to see my refection that much...between bathroom breaks, random wall mirrors, car mirrors, shiny windows. I bet I have even more time than that in which to quickly assess and self-loathe.

I wonder if I could survive a roof-collapse.

The floors in the house are warped, and I am convinced at some point it is going to fall in on itself. More than my concern for my personal safety, I worry about what The Kitten will do. I hope at least that it happens with both of us in the house. I would be devastated to come home to that. I think if I were not here, she would probably run. As long as we're together, I can probably convince her to stay with me. She's never lived on her own, in the world, so I don't know how she'd fair if she were suddenly forced into it. I just want her to be happy.

I haven't slept for more than 2 hours in the last...48 hours? 72. Let's say between 50- 60. I'm both very tired and very awake, which is how I know I'm not bipolar, because a bipolar person would just be very awake.

I am tired. And I want to watch one of those shitty Netflix rom-coms (specifically, To All The Boys I've Loved Before,) but it won't load past 24%. I am convinced this is because literally everyone else is watching it. I only want to watch it because I spur-of-the-moment bought the book at Half Price like 3 years ago when I was taking a YA Lit class and reading a bunch of stuff in the same aisle. (I almost wrote isle, and I think an Isle of YA would be a good theme park, like Austenland.)

It's not a good book, though. I can't abide anything that uses the term "giggle fit" so fucking frequently. I can't imagine how terribly that would translate on screen. The children in this story have "giggle fits" like, every other chapter. I guess this is why other adults who can write better than I can say that I shouldn't be reading YA. It's so easy to read tho~  It makes me feel like I can read~

Anyway, since it's not loading I decided to try watching On My Block, because it was on Vulture's best shows of 2018 (so far)...and it is actually pretty good. It can be a little campy, but it's interesting and I became invested in the lives of the plucky young minorities pretty quickly. I feel like, had I been given more liberty as a child, my life might have looked similar. I guess, as it was, I walked the streets pretty often, so maybe that's why I can relate...except, these kids seem like high achievers as well as dreamers, I was pretty consistently just a dreamy slacker...and that's why I read YA now, as an adult. Lessons, children.

I am a little worried my inner monologue is starting to reflect the speech pattern of ContraPoints because I have been watching so much of her. It's also possible that we both just have anxiety induced habits of self-reflection mid-point or mid-sentence that makes the pacing of speech a little weird. It's probably a really common trait amongst my peers. It's also possible that I am experiencing rapid onset gender dysphoria because I think she's so cool and I want to be her.

ROGD is not a thing.

I mean, some people think it's a thing, so it's part of a conversation people have been having that they shouldn't have to...but mostly it's something I very recently discovered was a conversation being had. I pretty sad, transphobic conversation. Another thing you should be aware of: we are collectively trying not to use the term "you guys" anymore. I was originally very much against this, because I haven't ever really seen the term as a gendered one, and the alternative being proposed was "y'all" (a term I regard with great disdain,) but my position has evolved. I guess, it would be silly to just dismiss it's history as a gendered term, and it apparently can be hurtful to transwomen. Also, women in male dominated fields. My sleep-thoughts decided on "people" or "fellow human beings" (as though I am not a fat stack of raccoons.)

I really want to go dancing.

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