Inflatable Persons
I have some concerns. They aren't big concerns. They might be serious concerns- but as a woman with anxiety I really have no idea how seriously I should take anything I think. Like, literally anything could be me blowing things out of proportion, only a concern because the world is gas-lighting me, or be a manifestation of generational paranoia.
One concern kind of leads into the other. I bought like a little over a hundred dollars worth of lingerie, which isn't really a lot of money, but it's not hella nice lingerie...so I have several pieces. I guess a third concern is that I make some slightly expensive impulse buys with an alarming regularity. I'm going to set that particular personality flaw to the side for now, though. I really like lingerie because I like the idea of feeling sexy when I never feel sexy and I think most problems can be solved by buying something. I do not need self-acceptance if I have a full length mirror and a chemise with push-up cups. The issue is that after posing in front of said mirror for a bit in each of my new pieces, I realize this can't be all I do with this stuff. I have to like- make use of them. And since I'm not cool enough to be a fetish model it means I have to find someone to have sex with.
This leads into my next concern- which is that I may no longer find real guys attractive. Which is not to say that I now find women more attractive- I have always been able to objectively find a girl attractive. I just don't think I know what I like in a guy any more. Probably because they are all disgusting traitorous wastes of space that are only good as sex objects and even then not as good as they think they are. I am currently only attracted to characters in television and film who are purely and borderline (or actually) obsessively in love with their counter-parts. Even if I don't think the guy is really my type. But if I'm going through Tinder I have no idea what I'm into. It's like- unless I can see your character growth and you have been deemed officially, at least, TV level attractive I can't be sure if I'm interested. Do I want to fuck Jonah from Superstore? Yes! Of course! Who wouldn't?! Have you seen how large and deeply set his beautiful eyes are? His lashes look like a bunch of tiny spiders are lining his eyes and waving to get you to notice how blue they are. They might not even be blue, I'm just assuming, I'm really here for the lashes and perma-sleepy face. He's got the kind of constant 5 o'clock shadow that men who can't grow real beards sport so he's like not so baby-faced as to make things weird. Then you top all of that off with a perfect sheepish smile?! He is an amazing character. And to be clear, the actor is obviously attractive, but I don't know the actor, and I don't think I want to- I don't want to get with the actor, I want Jonah. I'm also kind of into Colin Jost- and I think my type might be white guys who look like they're hiding something in their cheeks and smile like beauty queens. And who are funny. I've always been very attracted to humor...but you can't really tell if someone is funny from their photos. Their profile text could be humorous, but that could be crowd-sourced! I have at least once, when I was more invested, had my friends look at my dating profile so that we could brainstorm what might work better on it.
So I'm swiping through Tinder and it's just "No, no, nope, gross, hell naw. Not with that name. Why are you all posting pictures from underneath you? That's not a good angle for anyone. I don't understand the confidence you have to avoid posting a picture of your face at all, are people really swiping on you?" I am at this point unsure if it's just that I'm in a garbage area where attractive people don't live, which may say something about myself, or if I'm being intensely picky. Like picky in a way I do not deserve to be.
The layer of dust on my ceiling fan is disturbing. I also somehow hurt my hand while I was out grinding Friday night because I was holding the ledge too tight. I have bizarre problems.
I wonder if this is just because of how terrible the relationships I have had so far have been. It feels compounded by the fact that I hadn't been physically attracted to Scott for the last four years, maybe more? I never thought Gilbert was as attractive as other people did. Still, it's not like I want a relationship with any of these Tinder hos- I just want to ho around with them because I have cute stuff to do it in. Which is probably the core issue: I still don't feel like I can just say to some moderately attractive guy I happen to match with that all I want to do is wear something cute and have awkward bad sex. If I'm going to be honest about what I want I might as well be honest about what is going to happen, and we all know it's going to be awkward and bad. I don't know this dude. He's not some ledge above a dance floor I can grind on carefree. He's not a vibrator but really that's kind of the practical application I'm aiming for. Can I say, "Please come over, I don't actually know how to initiate sex when you get here, but I'm going to try to look cute. I don't want to know you and I don't want to kiss you, that's not what this is about"? A part of me actually dreads matching with people, so I don't know why I'm even playing this game. I am simultaneously pleasantly surprised and horrified when someone I think I may have actually found really attractive matches with me. My very next thought is, "this is horrible. I'm going to move on. Did I really even think he was cute or was it burn out from swiping left so many times that I settled for him because he didn't have any pictures angled beneath his chin?"
I wonder how expensive, unhealthy and illegal it would be to hire an improv actor to play the character I want to be with.
One concern kind of leads into the other. I bought like a little over a hundred dollars worth of lingerie, which isn't really a lot of money, but it's not hella nice lingerie...so I have several pieces. I guess a third concern is that I make some slightly expensive impulse buys with an alarming regularity. I'm going to set that particular personality flaw to the side for now, though. I really like lingerie because I like the idea of feeling sexy when I never feel sexy and I think most problems can be solved by buying something. I do not need self-acceptance if I have a full length mirror and a chemise with push-up cups. The issue is that after posing in front of said mirror for a bit in each of my new pieces, I realize this can't be all I do with this stuff. I have to like- make use of them. And since I'm not cool enough to be a fetish model it means I have to find someone to have sex with.
This leads into my next concern- which is that I may no longer find real guys attractive. Which is not to say that I now find women more attractive- I have always been able to objectively find a girl attractive. I just don't think I know what I like in a guy any more. Probably because they are all disgusting traitorous wastes of space that are only good as sex objects and even then not as good as they think they are. I am currently only attracted to characters in television and film who are purely and borderline (or actually) obsessively in love with their counter-parts. Even if I don't think the guy is really my type. But if I'm going through Tinder I have no idea what I'm into. It's like- unless I can see your character growth and you have been deemed officially, at least, TV level attractive I can't be sure if I'm interested. Do I want to fuck Jonah from Superstore? Yes! Of course! Who wouldn't?! Have you seen how large and deeply set his beautiful eyes are? His lashes look like a bunch of tiny spiders are lining his eyes and waving to get you to notice how blue they are. They might not even be blue, I'm just assuming, I'm really here for the lashes and perma-sleepy face. He's got the kind of constant 5 o'clock shadow that men who can't grow real beards sport so he's like not so baby-faced as to make things weird. Then you top all of that off with a perfect sheepish smile?! He is an amazing character. And to be clear, the actor is obviously attractive, but I don't know the actor, and I don't think I want to- I don't want to get with the actor, I want Jonah. I'm also kind of into Colin Jost- and I think my type might be white guys who look like they're hiding something in their cheeks and smile like beauty queens. And who are funny. I've always been very attracted to humor...but you can't really tell if someone is funny from their photos. Their profile text could be humorous, but that could be crowd-sourced! I have at least once, when I was more invested, had my friends look at my dating profile so that we could brainstorm what might work better on it.
So I'm swiping through Tinder and it's just "No, no, nope, gross, hell naw. Not with that name. Why are you all posting pictures from underneath you? That's not a good angle for anyone. I don't understand the confidence you have to avoid posting a picture of your face at all, are people really swiping on you?" I am at this point unsure if it's just that I'm in a garbage area where attractive people don't live, which may say something about myself, or if I'm being intensely picky. Like picky in a way I do not deserve to be.
The layer of dust on my ceiling fan is disturbing. I also somehow hurt my hand while I was out grinding Friday night because I was holding the ledge too tight. I have bizarre problems.
I wonder if this is just because of how terrible the relationships I have had so far have been. It feels compounded by the fact that I hadn't been physically attracted to Scott for the last four years, maybe more? I never thought Gilbert was as attractive as other people did. Still, it's not like I want a relationship with any of these Tinder hos- I just want to ho around with them because I have cute stuff to do it in. Which is probably the core issue: I still don't feel like I can just say to some moderately attractive guy I happen to match with that all I want to do is wear something cute and have awkward bad sex. If I'm going to be honest about what I want I might as well be honest about what is going to happen, and we all know it's going to be awkward and bad. I don't know this dude. He's not some ledge above a dance floor I can grind on carefree. He's not a vibrator but really that's kind of the practical application I'm aiming for. Can I say, "Please come over, I don't actually know how to initiate sex when you get here, but I'm going to try to look cute. I don't want to know you and I don't want to kiss you, that's not what this is about"? A part of me actually dreads matching with people, so I don't know why I'm even playing this game. I am simultaneously pleasantly surprised and horrified when someone I think I may have actually found really attractive matches with me. My very next thought is, "this is horrible. I'm going to move on. Did I really even think he was cute or was it burn out from swiping left so many times that I settled for him because he didn't have any pictures angled beneath his chin?"
I wonder how expensive, unhealthy and illegal it would be to hire an improv actor to play the character I want to be with.
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