Should I Tear My Eyes Out Now?
Also Titled: Even In His Heart The Devil Has To Know The Water Level
Or: All of Me Wants All of You
All of Me Wants All of You is not as loving as you might think.
I started a new skin care regimen. Or, rather, I have started to actually use the skin care regimen things I had. I at one point bought a lot of random Korean shit off of Amazon. I have started using one of the night time super moisturizers. I feel like it's working. It might not actually be working, but I feel like it is. And progress is like 70% perception, right?
I have also lost 10 of the 15 sadness pounds I put on during the worst of my fighting with Scott. It's a relief, and I hope to soon look like the person I was before him. I liked her better, I think. She is dingy and fearless in my head. More comfortable approaching people at least.
I have thoughts:
Have I ever mentioned how bad I am at parking? I always have to check that I am within the lines when I get out of the car because it is obvious that I probably parked too close to the person next to me. I tell myself I am protected and made not culpable by the rules of the lines. I am within the lines. My car will get dings soon enough. They probably won't camouflage well on blue.
I spent the day listening to a lot of Sufjan Stevens. I began the day picking out songs for my very specific playlists I am building. They are specific only in time and gender. I had built a play list when I first moved to Austin that I would listen to on the bus back and forth to Houston. It's called "Girl Traveling" and though I did not do so intentionally at first, it became a playlist solely of female artists. The genre does not matter. I end up skipping a lot depending on my mood, but without the constraints of a genre I can always find something. I have started building another one that is mostly male artists, but I don't care about the purity of that playlist as much as the first. And finally, I began collecting my favorite things and things I heard a lot from my late teens to early twenties. So, I was listening to a lot of Sufjan Stevens because I wanted to know if I liked any more of Come On Feel The Illinoise than what I clearly remembered. My memory is pretty bad and it's taken a while to begin adding things I should have thought of from the start. I listened to a lot of The Smiths and Morrissey at the time. I can't remember what I don't remember now, but there were things. And I added them, and I am happier for remembering if only briefly.
It was also in doing this that I discovered I have tied people to songs. I knew already that Scott was Nantes by Beirut, but that's not really him so much as the walk to his apartment at a reckless hour. The streets completely empty and the smell of donuts at the half way point(ish) between our houses. I like the memory of the quiet stroll of a fearless youth- someone who lit things on fire and let strangers driving by into her apartment. He's sort of peripheral in his association. I don't think it can ever become completely untied, but I don't feel like it's his song, so I am still allowed to love it. I listened to it all the time on that walk because I loved it. I still listen to it on loop sometimes when I'm in a mood.
But the other songs are surprisingly not the songs I would have assumed. The connection was organic. The realization was a pleasant surprise. There are certain associations because of the person's favorite song or band, but that link is pretty impersonal. I chose those songs for those people. They weren't just the person's song. A theme that codifies the relationship. I had this connection to The Strokes for a very long time. Their albums were perfectly synced to the progression of my life. I don't feel that way anymore- so maybe this new quirk will eventually fade, but I so cherish the feeling now.
I have also come to realize I do not remember how I met some of the most important people in my life. I wonder if that says something about me? For instance: it feels as though my family just came out of nowhere. I don't know who approached who or whether I feel I made a good impression. It is just as though they were always there.
Another thought on Sufjan Stevens: In listening to more of him today I became aware of the queer and Christian flourishes in his compositions. I don't mind the queerness, although it makes me feel a little guilty about sexualizing him... the Christianity, though. It's not that I am against people having faith, but it's usually not something I will buy into myself. It slightly uncomfortable to recognize that there may be an element of propaganda. Although, he has said in interviews that it's not about that. The references are heavy. But I adore the wispy sound of his voice. And rappers are always bringing up god, but I haven't discounted them- so I shouldn't be so disappointed. I think the feeling stems from the genre. I think I assumed all indie rock bands would be flighty atheists and probably vegetarian. I think because of how sad and lovelorn most of his songs are I assumed we were the same. It puts some distance between us that I will never understand his connection to god. I will continue to love him, however, and use his songs as the anthems of my quiet obsessions with loves that don't exist.
In other music considerations: I spent a lot of yesterday listening to early Childish Gambino. It struck me at some point that this guy asked me if I wanted to put music on when I invited him over for a one-night thing. At the time I felt put out- but do people commonly have sex to music? I could definitely have sex to Childish Gambino...but I couldn't make a playlist. How do you anticipate the pacing? Do you just have to know what you want to do going into it so that things sync? And do artists ever think about the possibility of their music being the music someone wants to fuck to? I bet everyone else has sex playlists that always keep perfectly with the mood. It's just another way I am lacking.
Or: All of Me Wants All of You
All of Me Wants All of You is not as loving as you might think.
I started a new skin care regimen. Or, rather, I have started to actually use the skin care regimen things I had. I at one point bought a lot of random Korean shit off of Amazon. I have started using one of the night time super moisturizers. I feel like it's working. It might not actually be working, but I feel like it is. And progress is like 70% perception, right?
I have also lost 10 of the 15 sadness pounds I put on during the worst of my fighting with Scott. It's a relief, and I hope to soon look like the person I was before him. I liked her better, I think. She is dingy and fearless in my head. More comfortable approaching people at least.
I have thoughts:
Have I ever mentioned how bad I am at parking? I always have to check that I am within the lines when I get out of the car because it is obvious that I probably parked too close to the person next to me. I tell myself I am protected and made not culpable by the rules of the lines. I am within the lines. My car will get dings soon enough. They probably won't camouflage well on blue.
I spent the day listening to a lot of Sufjan Stevens. I began the day picking out songs for my very specific playlists I am building. They are specific only in time and gender. I had built a play list when I first moved to Austin that I would listen to on the bus back and forth to Houston. It's called "Girl Traveling" and though I did not do so intentionally at first, it became a playlist solely of female artists. The genre does not matter. I end up skipping a lot depending on my mood, but without the constraints of a genre I can always find something. I have started building another one that is mostly male artists, but I don't care about the purity of that playlist as much as the first. And finally, I began collecting my favorite things and things I heard a lot from my late teens to early twenties. So, I was listening to a lot of Sufjan Stevens because I wanted to know if I liked any more of Come On Feel The Illinoise than what I clearly remembered. My memory is pretty bad and it's taken a while to begin adding things I should have thought of from the start. I listened to a lot of The Smiths and Morrissey at the time. I can't remember what I don't remember now, but there were things. And I added them, and I am happier for remembering if only briefly.
It was also in doing this that I discovered I have tied people to songs. I knew already that Scott was Nantes by Beirut, but that's not really him so much as the walk to his apartment at a reckless hour. The streets completely empty and the smell of donuts at the half way point(ish) between our houses. I like the memory of the quiet stroll of a fearless youth- someone who lit things on fire and let strangers driving by into her apartment. He's sort of peripheral in his association. I don't think it can ever become completely untied, but I don't feel like it's his song, so I am still allowed to love it. I listened to it all the time on that walk because I loved it. I still listen to it on loop sometimes when I'm in a mood.
But the other songs are surprisingly not the songs I would have assumed. The connection was organic. The realization was a pleasant surprise. There are certain associations because of the person's favorite song or band, but that link is pretty impersonal. I chose those songs for those people. They weren't just the person's song. A theme that codifies the relationship. I had this connection to The Strokes for a very long time. Their albums were perfectly synced to the progression of my life. I don't feel that way anymore- so maybe this new quirk will eventually fade, but I so cherish the feeling now.
I have also come to realize I do not remember how I met some of the most important people in my life. I wonder if that says something about me? For instance: it feels as though my family just came out of nowhere. I don't know who approached who or whether I feel I made a good impression. It is just as though they were always there.
Another thought on Sufjan Stevens: In listening to more of him today I became aware of the queer and Christian flourishes in his compositions. I don't mind the queerness, although it makes me feel a little guilty about sexualizing him... the Christianity, though. It's not that I am against people having faith, but it's usually not something I will buy into myself. It slightly uncomfortable to recognize that there may be an element of propaganda. Although, he has said in interviews that it's not about that. The references are heavy. But I adore the wispy sound of his voice. And rappers are always bringing up god, but I haven't discounted them- so I shouldn't be so disappointed. I think the feeling stems from the genre. I think I assumed all indie rock bands would be flighty atheists and probably vegetarian. I think because of how sad and lovelorn most of his songs are I assumed we were the same. It puts some distance between us that I will never understand his connection to god. I will continue to love him, however, and use his songs as the anthems of my quiet obsessions with loves that don't exist.
In other music considerations: I spent a lot of yesterday listening to early Childish Gambino. It struck me at some point that this guy asked me if I wanted to put music on when I invited him over for a one-night thing. At the time I felt put out- but do people commonly have sex to music? I could definitely have sex to Childish Gambino...but I couldn't make a playlist. How do you anticipate the pacing? Do you just have to know what you want to do going into it so that things sync? And do artists ever think about the possibility of their music being the music someone wants to fuck to? I bet everyone else has sex playlists that always keep perfectly with the mood. It's just another way I am lacking.
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