Problematic

Today's problems: I have more garbage in my fridge than real food and I cannot help but still feel a bunch of "feels" when I see a commercial for A Dog's Purpose. Or whatever that case subject for irony movie is called. Of course, one of those "feels" is totally disgust, although I haven't actually seen the video of the animal abuse because I can't make myself watch that kind of thing. I've never been the "faces of death" type. As curious as I am. There are some things I don't want to know. I've also realized that I do not need something to compulsively divulge my every thought to. #alternativefacts I am watching Meltdown with Jonah and Kumail. I have been blowing through a lot of media lately. Did I tell you about The Good Place? It ended up being surprisingly very good, and surprising! The ending was a completely unexpected twist and I do not know where they will go with it for another season, but I WANT TO SEE. You regu

I woke up at 5am, ate an English muffin with some peanut butter, downed a bottled Starbucks and packed my gear bag for a half marathon I was completely unprepared for. I am currently tottering around painfully, like a young Bambi, uncertain of how to make my less elegant limbs function the way the rest of the world does so surely. I made it though. I finished. And running a half marathon with absolutely no training is a great metaphor for how I have lived- running at first, unsure of what I am doing, realizing I am in over my head, then walking the rest of the way. "This isn't ideal, but better than expected, you're not dead last, and you better finish, bitch" was my mantra. The last two miles were the absolute worst. This was my second day of using portapotties, and I am pretty sure I peed a little bit while running. I can't imagine how badly a full marathon would have gone. I'd like to do that sometime, though. And maybe a triathlon? More things to run int

January 6th: Where are we now, at the tail end of the first week of 2017? I am at a booth, in a MacDonald's, in a Walmart, typing at my dying phone. It's been a long week. Contrary to popular opinion I have read about online, I do not like MacDonald's fries. I am sure I am fully disheveled. Having recently emerged from a dying car after sobbing over my own misfortune for 20 minutes- there's no way I look like a functioning adult woman. Or man. No flavor of adult. Why are there onions on this wretched thing I ordered? I've inconvenienced people today. I have been inconvenienced, but I don't know if it breaks even. Let's start earlier- I suppose. The week began, I may have mentioned, with a lazy last day of vacation. I'm not sure what I did. Watched the first season of Twin Peaks for the first time? Drank champagne alone- as I do too often these days. I should not have ordered food, but I wanted an excuse to sit while I wait for my car. Th

Good things are like a drug. So are cruel things. I think sometimes I'm just chasing feelings. If it elicits an emotion I want it inside me. Except I guess I've gotten burnt out on a few highs. This new one has a rough come-down. This post therapy fatigue isn't something I was expecting. Everything was great and then my head was pounding and I was irritable and I said things that made people say things and now I'm just down. Just down. I need new friends. Not that there is anything in particular wrong with my old ones- but I need something else. I want something else, anyway. Something more invested. Myex once said that people got tired of him because he was a really needy friend. He really wanted to share and be open and touchy-feely. He'd invest a lot into one person and it became overwhelming. Of course, even when I was that one person I wasn't the only one- but I think I kind of understand the concept better now. I can see how I would be overwhelming f

2016 SURPRISE~!! Last post was not the last post!! Are you incredibly excited? We get to continue this horrid journey together with no destination in sight?! SO AM I!!! I have had a few epiphanies in the last couple of days that might be swinging me back into a "manic" episode. One of which is that I am tired of my obsessive fucking guilt for doing things that I want to do that I think might make me feel better. The trigger for this has been a few terrible conversations I have had in the past couple of days- which ended in the decision to go to therapy and distance myself from my family for a while. From most people. As though they are the problem... 2017: Things are ever changing, but I come back, always, to a couple of base desires: to be kind, to be happy, to be loved. These are things I have been trying to achieve for the bulk of my 28 years of consciousness and I honestly feel no closer to any of them. Or to anyone. My bed smells slightly of burnt cloth becau