Riding in Cars with Boys

I don't think we can escape the decisions of our past. We can try not to repeat them, if they did not yield good results, but I don't think we can walk away from them. We can't pretend they didn't change us. I can't pretend they didn't shape me. The narrative of a novel can drastically take a turn in the middle, but the reader is going to remember the earlier one. And all novels prior to that novel shape it. Our parents' histories shape us. There's nothing that is not connected and will not carry into the next chapter of our story. All the trees I didn't climb, all the parties I missed, all the drugs I casually took, all the nos, all the yeses...everything I've done to another person and everything that's been done to me: I can't avoid carrying any of that into my future.

We're carrying on the metaphor of pulling myself out of a car crash. A stone was thrown by someone who just got out of their own crash to try to spin Myex out of control. I can kind of understand this. If there were another layer to disrupt- if there were someone I could tell I had a hand in his betrayal, just to solidify that we would never be able to interact, and maybe hurt him in the process, maybe I would. Maybe I wouldn't care about the collateral damage either. Especially if I didn't care during the time I helped him betray her. Especially if I didn't care and coaxed him into betraying her. I'd throw stones and wait to see how things went.

In this case, in the immediate aftermath, things went really really well. I instantly forgave him. He had a lot going on that day, because the car always includes his daughter and she's the biggest distraction to driving. No matter what car he's in and who the passenger is, there are always two others: his daughter, and his daughter's mom, Rhys. On that day, as I settled into the feeling of whiplash, he scrambled to cover a separate incident Rhys had created in the back-seat. Now that I'm on my medication, I don't try to compete with his daughter anymore, so I just pretended the crash didn't happen. I may have mentioned it a few times. Told him that I knew she'd throw the stone. That he better get her stuff out of the house or she'll make a scene about throwing the stone and never leave. But, if I was hemorrhaging stability I pretended not to notice.

Apparently he noticed more than I give him credit for. I've been selfish in my grief, and maybe in some ways that's okay...but if he's been trying and it's not enough, maybe he's not enough? Maybe nothing will ever be enough? I'm not sure. I don't think not knowing what I want now helps.

Every week we've had a lot of good days. Every week even though he warns that he doesn't have the time or capacity to deal with me crumbling, he makes space. Every week there's something I can't let go of...there can't be something I can't let go of forever. At that point I should just let go of him. At what point have I reached the point that there have been too many weeks? I keep thinking that I will stop. I keep telling myself I will be fine with this now. I will be able to let go of my questions because there isn't an answer that will make everything make any more sense. There isn't a question and answer that will make everything better except for: "Did we cheat on each other?" "No." Still, he's answered all my questions with relative composure. He's been reassuring in exactly the way I needed. In a way that feels honest. Is things feel honest why can't I believe they are? How long can I presume dishonesty before I also have to force myself away?

The question I really want answered is: how long before I can break myself from feelings that would drive me away?

This week I behaved badly. I looked through his messages on Facebook, which was really unfair. It would be unfair if we were together, it seem more so now. I wouldn't want to be that person again if we were together anyway. I need to figure out where I'm going with this because I can't keep torturing us both forever. I think he is trying to get me out of the car, and I just keep throwing myself back in. I'm too insecure about what the outside will be like. What the next drive will be like. It's not an insecurity that is completely bred out of this situation. I need to figure out how to overcome it.

At least I see my therapist tomorrow.


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