Pretty Hate Machine

There's something therapeutic about the destruction of property. Ripping totems apart can be so soothing. Engaging in petty things can be comforting even if they're probably not necessarily good for the soul. Sometimes it's harder to move on from something without acting out. After a break up you delete pictures. After a friend break-up you unfriend, regift and throw things away. After learning someone cheated you find all the things you can of significance and tear them to pieces. Things you shared or things they shared- whichever annoys you the most.

Sometimes we tear people to pieces.

I don't know if I would recommend that course of action, it may be a step too far.

I have put all my hurt and anger into these gifts and I am throwing them away. I don't want to hold on to these feelings forever. It's not healthy for me. It's not healthy for our friendship. Whether our friendship is healthy for me remains to be seen. I'm giving myself time.

If this isn't enough I'll stop trying to hold things together. Sometimes love isn't enough. I understand that.

There's a wasp nest. It is on the outside of the entryway one building over.

Sometimes I forget that my apartment is an apartment. That it's a tiny contained space for me that doesn't open up to a wider shared space...well, I suppose it does. The world being a wider shared space and all...but it's not a small space that's part of a home. I have awoken lately slightly startled to find that I can't open my door to a home. I wonder if I'll ever live with another person again.

I am however pleased to find that my neighbor has moved. There's no one to hear me sob or moan anymore.

I started watching Downward Dog, which is terrible, and Great News- which is as great as the title would have you believe. Downward Dog is sure to be cancelled which is too bad because it has the cute chubby girl from Fargo in it. I loved her. Fargo was also a great show. She was a lot of the reason it was a great show. Her and her animalistic sexual chemistry with Collin Hanks. Their polite Midwestern flirtations put Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson to shame.

Queen Sugar and Underground are also fantastic shows. Underground just wrapped their second season recently and it was released on Hulu. I blew through it in a couple of days. Jurnee Smollett-Bell and Aldis Hodge have similarly electric chemistry. Of course, when I searched Google to be sure I had the correct spelling of their names I found out the show was cancelled. Apparently OWN and BET have already passed on picking it up, turning down John Legend in the process. How do you turn down John Legend selling a show about the Underground Railroad?! He seems like such a sweet guy and the show is thrilling!

My disappointment is never ending.

I would like to expand more on TV, but I'm really zoned out. School starts tomorrow. I'm still parsing through my feelings about how to move forward with Myex and what I want that to look like. My mom is going to go through chemo. They put a little implant in your chest now. So that's another small surgery. Three months of illness. While I'm taking heavy loads in shortened summer schedules. And work full time. And live three hours away. Or course, I have no desire to move back, but it would have been nice to spend more time with her now. Then radiation and another surgery. Things seem to just be rushing away. Honestly, Myex is the least of my problems. The emotional toll is becoming an annoyance. Especially because it still feels so one sided.


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