No One Is Faithful

My jaw hurts.

Last time it hurt this way I had my wisdom teeth out. There's nothing inside me that I can remove. Maybe love?

As I am coming to terms with the ending of my favorite series and what this new spin-off means I am clenching my teeth too hard. I am biting my tongue, although I honestly wouldn't know what to say. I am pulling out clumps of my hair again. I keep thinking of all the times I was told that I should trust more and I laugh to myself to keep from breaking down. I am alone in all of this. He's got too much going on to deal with my emotions in the aftermath of his decisions. He's unable, or unwilling, to make space. An irony that does not go past me. Is that irony? To be unwilling to make space when the problem stems from making space for someone else? I'm not sure. I'm not that smart.

Obviously.

Every day is a new battle. Every day is a new series of questions with the final looming problem being: What do I want?

What do I want? What do I see getting out of this if not more heartache? If I'm being honest I don't know if I think Myex will ever be honest. I want to trust that he will be, what more is there to lie about? I don't know if I ever want to try to be faithful to someone else again. I don't know if I can trust too far. At least his daughter has gotten a lot of love, so maybe this will all work out for her. Children are charming and she's sure to continue getting showered in adoration from any other partners until she becomes a bratty teenager.

What I want out of life is to feel that I am enough for someone. It's not something I will ever get from my parents, I know. So a partner is probably my only shot, but I don't, at this point, want to allow anyone close enough to give me what I want. I can't imagine ever being enough for Myex, either. Even if I understand him. Even if I try to communicate better. Even if his ideas are so broadly narrow they seem impossible. To him, our relationship has baggage. I should feel this even more. I'm not sure why I don't. My only estimation is that I am in so much pain it's blinding. I'm trying so hard to remain controlled that it's giving me headaches and stomach aches and body pain. His love has been like a flu. Or rather the lack of it. It's a feeling of lethargy that's been dragging for so long into a realization that you've really been sick. It wasn't in your imagination. Things hurt for a reason.

This is a pain he can only walk away from and never look back toward. This is something inflicted that can't be repaired. It's like the vehicle we were in was demolished and I've been left inside while he walks out to find another car and another passenger. If it's totaled there's nothing he can do anyway. It's just a car. You don't make connections to a car that way, you love it while you have it and acknowledge that you chose it, but nothing says you need to try for it. Nothing says you can't drive another car with someone else while you own one. Nothing says you can't own two cars and drive in them with different people on different days. A car you drive just on Tuesdays and weekends is somewhat reasonable if it's a special car for a special person. So walking away from a car crash is logical, just like being selfish is logical. Everyone aims toward self-preservation, and if you aren't that's when you sit in a wrecked car pretending you don't have the flu.

So I considered that this might be a reset for everything. It might be a good stretch of what this blog is about, to find a place where I am okay with myself for forgiving. To decide if that's truly where this story should go. To decide what it is that I really want. I am sure there are plenty of people, in fact I know some, that have had to deal with long-term infidelity. I am sure there are people who, like me, are trying to figure out how to move forward with the person they loved, even if it's not together. Right now I just want to be able to be friends without the weight of the past. It's not like I fault him for any of it. We're all human, we all make mistakes for pretty much the length of our tenure on Earth.

So here we go, as I try to work through things, ride the sickness out, and hopefully come out a bit healthier and a bit more capable of handling any future illness.

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