When I Hate You Means I Love You

I've invested a lot into chargers lately. On Monday, I went to a game night and I was running late. I hadn't charged my phone enough and the battery was eaten in traffic. Eight minutes away from the home that was normally 20 minutes away, but tonight 50 minutes with heavy traffic, my battery died. Luckily I was quite near a Shell station- so I forked over 19 dollars on a car charger, a cable, and a wall charger because the one I normally used broke on Saturday. A lot of things broke on Saturday.

The game night went quite well, although I often like to joke about playing "bored" games because my sense of humor is generally terrible, the game we played that night was panda-based. My love of panda based things, it seems, would supersede most annoyances. I got very close to winning too!! The idea of the game is to build out the world for this panda, and as you are building the world and growing bamboo you have little cards with missions on them. The mission can be to either grow a certain type of bamboo, to lay out the world in a certain way, or to have the panda eat certain types of bamboo. Once a player completes 7 cards they get the emperor card and start the final round. It seemed so much more complicated before we started playing, but I think that's because people who play board games communicate like theoretical physicists- in a much more complicated way than necessary.

Speaking of, grade come in early next week. I have solidified that I am going to get an A and a B, now I just need to hold out hope for that sweet sweet pity C. I should have done more to make myself endearing- like tried sleeping with the professor.

The husband of my dear friend who just returned from her world trip won. I saw her three times while she was in town for a span of maybe 6 days. It was not enough. I miss her so much. Being with her Sunday and Monday reminded me that there are people I can trust. I had dinner tonight with another friend I admire- she's a tiny even-keeled fire-cracker. She is driven and righteous. She helps others, people she hasn't known for very long, and she is one of the few people I know that is actually volunteering in the wake of the recent election. I know I can trust her as well, whether either of these people can trust me is another thing entirely. I want to be worthy, though, so I signed up to volunteer with Planned Parenthood. Now that the semester is done I will try to get into the habit of volunteering as I intended. I feel slightly better too, like multiple weights have been lifted. There's a bit of guilt, but that will pass I think, as I stop feeding into cycles of negativity with no end in sight.

I have been watching the second season of Tyrant - and it had a valuable bit of advice that I had heard recently elsewhere, but did not absorb properly. "Don't assume you have a monopoly on suffering." When I first heard it, like a spike it went through me and I had a thrashing, reactionary response. A wailing, without reason, was all I could muster. I was initially struck by the antipathy of such a statement- so deeply tied to resentment it seemed- but, through the magic of allowing television to shape all my world views, I came to see that the better reading of those words is to understand that this blanket suffering warrants a great deal of empathy. When everyone seems to be unintentionally causing each other's suffering it's up to you to pull back and try to see how you can understand those voices. It's something that conservatives are calling for now, and it's something conservatives should have considered before- but it is a non-partisan concept.

So I have two less friends. And a lost chrome book charger. I am not happy about it. I definitely wish it had not happened. I understand it, though, and I am willing to investigate more- but while I wish it hadn't happened I don't exactly regret it. I think there's a lot of things I have come to realize I regret a lot less than I originally imagined. I have made mistakes, definitely, but regretting every action isn't productive. At least not the way I regret things. It stifles growth. I can't demonize myself and try to help other people- mostly because no one has faith in the ravings of a sad-sack. Which kind of leads to another thing TV (12 Monkeys), and some rando, have taught me: There's this interesting little story about two wolves fighting in a person's soul (or stomach, whatever, why is the stomach the container of intentions- I do not know). One wolf is the anger, hate and generally terrible intentions and reactions. The other wolf is courage and positive things. The question is which wolf is the one that will win? The one you feed- says pop-culture and my kind person. So I have to try to feed the bad wolf less, although I do not want either wolf to die, because I quite like wolves. I will give it little scraps of neurosis and self-hate from time to time, don't worry. Overall, though, I know that I am trying to be good- and I will hold onto that and the knowledge that I tried to make amends.

I sort of saw this on the horizon anyway. It may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy type thing. Which I think is another thing I have a big problem with. I remember all the arguments I had with the boys I loved over how they would eventually be pushed away, and I think at least some of that probably contributed to their desire to leave. It's unkind not to trust, sometimes. The internet told me that one- that people in good relationships turn into each other instead of away from each other. They listen and are kind. They're supportive. I want to love and be loved that way with so many different people, and I have to accept now when that's not a possibility.

Even if I do still love you, I can't torture myself over my thoughts because of you.


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