There's this weird air-horn noise that keeps going off around me. That sounds insane- I should say, there's this weird air-horn noise that keeps going off outside my apartment. It mixes in with the sound of construction. I assume it's just a particularly rusty crane or something. Straining to do it's job in the bitter cold.

Is it wrong that I am blogging about my life when the course of my life involves other people? I have been a bit concerned with this for a while, because, especially if I write in depth at some point, I have some interactions with my family that are pretty unhealthy. I very much do not want to play the victim. I hope this doesn't come across that way. At Thanksgiving I was quite direct about the idea that sometimes I say hurtful things knowing full well how damaging it will be. I think that makes me particularly cruel, and I don't think that's something you should excuse. I don't know what to make of my ability to concede to that fact.

So- ultimately, am I toxic? That's the assessment at hand. Am I the cause of my toxic relationships? Probably. Why not?

I know I have definitely done toxic things. I think my problem lies in trying to compare that to what others do- a lot of my problems probably stem from trying to make comparisons between myself and others. It's not always a competition, and others are beyond my control.

I was given this today to think about:
So let's go through the list:
Wounded? Yeah, sure
Unable to take responsibility for things? Depends on the things- but overall, probably
Unable to take responsibility for the problems in their life? Yes, definitely. The universe is conspiring against me quite brilliantly and I am not going to undermine it's progress by ignoring that.
Bully? Sometime, sure. I have always had a bit of a mean girl streak.
Victim? I try not to be, but maybe I try so hard it swings back around to like a super-victimhood.
Martyr? I imagined myself so when I was a teenager- that was a really interesting time. I was quite convinced I would die someday to bring about some sort of revolution in culture. I am glad whatever that was is gone because I think I would be much worse off of medication if it had stuck around.
Perfectionist? Yes. Then no. Like victimhood I think I take this to such an extreme that nothing seems like it will ever be quite right so I just quit.

Create drama or am surrounded by it? That's probably also definitely true.
Try to manipulate or control others? Yes, but I am really bad at it- so I don't think that should count.
Be needy? Fantastically so.
I'm not quite sure how I would use "narcissistic parents" to meet my needs, but I guess at the end of the day I don't trust the scientific vigor of this article that much- so might as well double down. My parents could probably be described as narcissistic, and I am sure I have abused our connections in a myriad of ways.
Be extremely critical of themselves and others? Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes! I am quite married to the idea of being critical- most certainly of myself. It tickles me to no end that the solution to this problem might be someone telling me about how I'm destroying my relationships with my careless behavior. "Like sure, you hate yourself, but maybe that's not enough." I do want to move clear away of being critical of others, though. I do that so often and so quickly as well. It's so easy to meet someone, size them, decide they have something you don't have, get away with things you don't get away with, and hate them bitterly. It's so easy to do that as a collective rather than try to understand or offer help. It's so easy I don't know if it's not something I won't continue to do, but it makes me feel worse the more I do it. I get that now. I feel guilty, because even if that person doesn't know how to accept help, or want help, they're probably not garbage. No one is.

I'm going to a mock jury tomorrow, which I am very excited about- because that last point is the primary reason I want to go to law school. I also want to commit myself to trying to help out with family court stuff as a volunteer. I have more time now, and if I end up doing school full time on it's own in the future then I'll be even better off time wise. I'll be that much closer to what I really want to do. Who I really want to be. To caring and helping. I'm really looking forward to it.

Back to the check list:
Jealous of others? I think I addressed this in the critical portion. Yes.
Bemoaning their bad fortune and other's good fortune? Sounds a bit like jealousy and adds to my skepticism of this practice, but yeah, I do it, so I should probably take it to heart.
Abuse substances? Oh, definitely. I was thinking just the other day that I have never liked the musical Hairspray and I am a bit sad Billy Eichner has reduced himself to performing it live on NBC. When I first saw it I had done a bit of acid and my friends were having a rough time in the theater so the bright lights of a teen-dance sound-stage being taken over by a chubby girl with moxie was low on the index of interesting things that day. I'm a bit more lowkey now that I am not a teenager myself, but I did start drinking before noon today because I had the day off. And was told it would be kinder to donate or regift the presents I desperately scrambled to get before being laid off because my over-all thoughtlessness was too damaging to bandaid with something procured on Amazon. That was a bit victimy- but I was really hurt. It was my good fortune that today I made up with another friend who kind of got lost in the hussle and bustle of work, school, cat death, break-ups, moving out, car-accidents, being laid off, and all the other tiny things that made 2016 a particularly weird year. I explained that I wouldn't get a chance to give the gifts after all, and asked if she wanted them, and she was really pretty excited by them so I was very pleased. A kimono and pusheen coin purse should not go to waste, though I am sure there are less fortunate people who would have appreciated the donation as well. There was also the sheet music to Cats, a couple of pairs of socks and Sailor Moon paraphernalia, but I'll probably just hold on to that.

Unwilling or unable to seek help? Nope. I have been seeking a lot of help. I have been taking it, too. It's actually been pretty good. Looking back, I have a lot of really solid connections and people that care.

“If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life.”

I wonder if everyone reads to the end.

So the verdict I think is that I am pretty affirmatively toxic. Here's your warning. Beyond the title of the blog.


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