I'm not sure when, sometime in November:
I went to bed around 3am, I woke up at about 9:30am and I started drinking at about 10:30am.

I also started cleaning and doing laundry/ finished reading for one of my classes (not the harder one, but I will take my small accomplishments where I can get them.)

I'm going to finish up some homework, do some painting and wrap presents. Today I feel functional. And kind of lonely. I realize, hanging out at home, re-watching Ouran High School Host Club (because I'm kind of a loser) that I am closer to my cat than anything else right now. And I guess I am ok with that. I'm a little lonely, but I can't think of who I would want to be with. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship right now because that sounds so taxing. It's not going to be adorable Japanese teenage romance- so it's not worth it. Also, I'm kind of negative, apparently. I still dispute this, because I mostly say negative things because I think they are funny, in a way, but I can also see how after a while people would become concerned. Like, the suicidal thoughts aren't a joke, but some of the self-loathing is- and I think it's probably pretty tiring for others to try to parse through what is ok to laugh off. I should start making less jokes at my own expense and more just general observation jokes or something.

I'm a little bit sleepy.

I'm only about a third of the way through my first draft of my final project. I am supposed to submit the draft today. Here's hoping that becoming increasingly intoxicated will take some of the edge off.

Is it weird to think that if I can't be a genius I hope I can at least end up with one- these are my drunk thoughts while listening to Hamilton. I'm helpless.

December 2nd:
I have done a great job of completely destroying any semblance of a sleep schedule I might have had. The day of my final in Philosophy of Science I developed this weird system of sleeping for an hour and studying for an hour, although neither was every quite the full hour. I would pass out for about 30-40 minutes at a time and then get back to trying to cut and paste together a research paper. Not in the plagiarism way, though. I had to reteach myself MLA formatting at the same time, because who just remembers MLA formatting through out their college career?

I think I want to work on the tone of this writing. It's starting to feel almost too personal, and possibly stagnant. I don't want to spend my life making terrible puns and musings like a much less financially stable Carrie Bradshaw. I'm not sure what I want to try to transition to, though. I think perhaps I should refocus on being more generally descriptive and lessen the number of sentences I start with I. I feel entirely too narcissistic when I look back at some of these readings.

Luckily, we are having a friend brunch tomorrow- the theme is Twister and Bridget Jones, which is a perfectly reasonable and logical theme, thank you. I am quite excited for it, and I hope to be inspired! Friend brunching is always quite nice, although I have felt a little distant from people lately. I think I need to get a second family to waste my attentions on, that may make me appreciate my original family more when I am with them. Or at the very least I will not care about the burgeoning awkwardness because I have another family to retreat to- it's the perfect plan. Once this second family goes the way of the first I will just repeat the process. It seems like a sound plan versus the fallout that might be caused by being direct. If I'm being honest, no one likes it when you're being honest.

It might also help to work on more narrative writing projects, I think. I have more and more time now...although that will surely disappear soon enough. I am not completely unhireable, and the break in the semester is only about a month. I would love to do something interesting in that month though. Perhaps to take more care. I mentioned to someone earlier that I am not entirely sure when the last time I consumed a fresh fruit or vegetable was. I did eat a blueberry english muffin and some peach yogurt earlier- but that is probably all dyed sugar. Without a job or school work I have far fewer excuses for not taking care.

Next weekend is the grand opening of the trail of lights, as well, so I will be attending that. The weekend afterwards we are doing Holicray Karaoke- title courtesy of Lies or Bren. They arranged the whole thing. I think there are still no solid plans for NYE. It's ramping up to be a fairly full month. I am not entirely sure how I am going to go about getting to Houston for Christmas, either. I am always unsettled after car crashes, I have learned after the grand total of two I have been in.

My Holicray Karaoke picks so far:

The last one is because Love, Actually will always be, without regrets, my favorite Christmas movie.

The Hamilton Mix-Tape dropped yesterday, by the way. You should check it out.


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