The Luckiest People

I have no idea what I want out of life.

I mostly want it to stop.

I don't know that any of my goals are truly achievable.

I have been off my new medication for two days but I find it incredibly hard to believe that is why I feel this way. I probably don't need to be on the medication at all.

One of the fun things about working in a doctor's office is that at some point you may have a conversation with someone about how they feel like killing themselves. You may be so taken aback when confronted with someone else's possibly fatal sadness that you put them on hold to find someone better equipped to deal with this, and then people will tell you A. don't put someone who claims to be suicidal on hold and B. what questions to ask a suicidal person. And then you will have to stifle your incredulous giggles because you don't want anyone to know you are secretly evil and attention seeking.

Here's the short list of what you ask: Are you alone? How are you planning to do this? Is there anyone I can call for you?

Maybe I was given a bad list. The idea is to confirm if the person has a fully formed plan they can actually carry out because you want to know if they are in imminent danger, or, more likely, bluffing.

So I know when I lay in bed at 2 in the morning considering that it might be much easier to just put a bullet in my head I am bluffing because I don't have a gun and I am not sure how I would go about obtaining one illegally or cheaply. It's a shame, as a minority who grew up in an urban area, I feel like that is something I should be able to do.

Considering gouging my own brains out through my eye-socket is slightly less bluffing because it is something I can actually do, but I am not alone right now. Yet I am very alone. And my head hurts. And this doesn't belong on the internet. I should pick up my medication tomorrow. Although I am pretty sure I don't need it and it is not helping because ultimately these are very cheap expressions of a problem I shouldn't have.

Maybe I should stop watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. There's something disheartening about seeing a character with the privilege of being able to throw everything away. This is probably also what I dislike about my sister. People who have people are the worst, and people who lean on other people are a back-slide into terrible-ness. I think there is only one person I have ever depended on who did not make me feel incredibly indebted to them afterward, so I don't understand how these other characters mosey along without everyone giving them shit for being incapable of taking care of themselves.

There's so much I don't understand. There's so much I want to do but I mostly want to stay still and have my head be silent. I mostly want to be content. I want to find a way to make all of this seem amusing and less self-serving. There's so much I don't understand and the biggest thing I don't understand is what I am even aiming for.

I should pick up my medication tomorrow. I should resist the urge to cry right now. I don't think I need the medication.


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