I Should File My Nails

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 I have started deleting photos. It's almost a year since I cut another person out of my life, and I wonder why I am always so lonely. I should probably find a way to bring this up in therapy. Things can't always be about work. Sometimes they have to be about your intolerance. I wonder if I should ever get rid of the photos of Isis. I loved Isis so much when she was alive. I mourned her so much when she died, and it was right around the first election of Donald Trump and my big breakup from Scott. Before I knew for sure he had been cheating on me the whole time and that Isis, unlike The Kitten, was an enabler. How can a cat be an enabler? Isis was a much friendlier cat than The Kitten. She loved everyone. She accepted everyone. This meant she didn't attack my enemies at the time. Which, is probably what I need around me, but she is gone now. And The Kitten has no problem with my prickly nature. The Kitten thinks other people who are not Collin are terrible and deserve ire. The Kitten and I are very codependent. Yet, I'm not particularly kind to her either, because she doesn't easily settle for snugs. She's a wobbly little baby who gets no satisfaction from lap time.

Anyway, almost a year ago Donald Trump became the president elect again, and I have been worried about the losses that could follow, for me, personally. Last time he was president I lost my cat. About mid-way through his presidency I finally broke free from Scott, after being very clearly told I should have already moved on. This time I have lost two and a half really good friends. I think it's 2 1/2 because I have lost one friend for sure, and then about 75% of two other friends. Maybe 50% of my third friend. I had five really good friends. I'm probably at acquaintance level with most people in my life. I don't think this was by design, but it certainly wasn't helped by my behavior over the last few years.

I need to stop starting these blog posts when I have thoughts and finishing them when I have taken my ambien.

This week I will try to see how to get back into school for accounting and economics. Maybe I can learn all the things and then people will respect me.

But why do I crave this acknowledgement anyway?

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