Numb Little Bug

 I keep bumping into things around the house to disastrous effect. That's an exaggeration of course, but I have ended up with a lot of bruises and deeper cuts than I would have expected. My cute office chair betrayed me and I have had some pretty serious back pain for a bit over a month or so? I had to quickly purchase a new chair because my aesthetic choice was unworkable. I also acquired way too many seat cushions in order to try to keep it because it was one of the first things I bought for the house and my office. I think my first purchase was the elliptical that very quickly became a towel rack. I was very proud of myself for being able to make these purchases, and it was really nice to be able to replace my chair so quickly as well. I had forgotten after 3 years of being a full-time student and working part-time what it was like to have money. It is very good.

It occurred to me, finally, the other day that maybe I should stop trying to focus my attention and motivation for self-improvement on shopping. At least, I think I am going to start carrying cash to give to the housing insecure around the neighborhood, or donating and putting a little into savings after every purchase. I have way too much makeup and tea now. It's out of control. I'm trying not to judge myself too much for this. And I've never actually had any problem with the idea of giving housing insecure people money, I've just not had a lot of money myself for the last few years and never carry cash. Austin makes it hard enough for people to live here, and Texas basically criminalized being unhoused, so I guess it's a small difference to make? I don't know. I'm tired of apologizing for not having cash and looking past people. And maybe it would make me feel a little more connected to the world.

Everyone I know is getting back to normal and seeing friends on a more regular basis. They've picked up useful hobbies and read (or listen to audiobooks). Everyone's taking pole classes. It has occurred to me that I could start investing some money and time now in interesting things to do, but it's hard to think about being out of the house. I can't imagine making a new friend. Even Collin was reading actual books for a little while. I would shout "You're not better than me!!" from the other room. But he is better than me. I know it. He learns about technical stuff through YouTube all day and reads chapter books and I scroll through depressed raccoon memes. There is no end to the book recommendations I receive. I have acted on none of them. This is really a shame I think because I know it would be helpful in terms of my desire to start writing again. However, I also realized the book/screenplay I was working on before the pandemic kind of doesn't work at all anymore because the world just doesn't work that way anymore. I guess I could set it a few months before the pandemic or something. Perhaps no one will think about it. I think the benefit for my writing would actually require sitting down and reading in order to remind myself how sentences are meant to be structured. I could start listening to non-fiction audiobooks probably because I spend all day listening to podcasts while I work and I imagine it's a similar vibe.

Things have been very detached and gray. My mood tracker has been "meh" for over a month. I just want to bury myself and set things on fire. I have figured out today though that my feelings are less apathetic and monotonous than I have been describing them to my psychiatrist. I'm more living in a low burner rage and resentment. I have been feeling less and less able to relate to anyone and like all my attempts are pretty obvious and jilted approximations of what I think a person should say and how they should act. Even then, I am as an alien as I am as a human, and I often misunderstand situations, so my charade is obvious and stilted. 

I need more feather boas in my life.

In terms of what I have been consuming: I am trying to eat fewer sweets so I'm relying mostly on biscotti. I have been listening to Maintenance Phase, which is a fantastic podcast about diet culture and fatphobia. It makes me feel good to know that I should give my body a break, but I have a friend's wedding coming up in October, so I have to start throwing myself into unhealthy habits to lose weight as fast as possible. Just running with the things I'm being told to run from.

I have also been listening to a podcast called Nice White Parents which is about parents in New York contributing to segregation that is not explicit or mandated, just a product of systemic inequities. I like listening to stories about white people messing things up for everyone else. There are some genuinely surprising ways they do so, as well. Through coming into a majority minority school and fundraising for special French programs that will benefit a small section of the school population. 

I'd also recommend Verified- it is a very tragic but empowering story about women being assaulted while using the couchsurfing app in Italy and their pursuit of justice afterwards. It's kind of similar to the new documentary Phoenix Rising that was recently released on HBO Max. If you didn't know, it's about Evan Rachel Wood controlling the narrative of her abuse at the hands of Marilyn Manson, collecting stories from other women he had abused, and working to get laws changed so that people like him could be held accountable. I rounded out my sad stories about women being hurt by watching the Kim Wall documentary, which is also on HBO Max. Kim Wall was a very talented freelance journalist that was going to get one more story before she moved out of the country with her boyfriend and ended up being murdered by the man she was interviewing. It had a bit of a The Jinx vibe because the perpetrator tried to claim it was an accident, but had dismembered her. All of these are heavy stories, but I think sometimes you need to face these things. It's the same way I feel about checking into the war in Ukraine. It's difficult, but the world should bear witness. 

I wanted to talk about why Euphoria sucks, but I am still obsessed with it, but I feel like this is enough for today.