Forgiveness

 I'm getting my second COVID vaccine today. Should I be putting COVID in all caps all the time, I wonder? Like- is that the grammatically correct way of referencing covid? Do I care about grammar in this instance when I am so bad with it regularly? Who's to say?

Anyway, I'm high on Ambien and thinking about my day and my life. I'm not high on Ambien in the sense that I'm just taking it to party and write sad blogs, I if you don't fall asleep right away you get a little high. I watch things I forget I watched, although I guess that's not an uncommon occurrence while I'm not high. I buy groceries I don't need. I guess that might not also be completely dissimilar from my normal functioning, so I suppose you'll just have to take my word for it. As I'm getting sleepy, but not quite there, I feel intoxicated.

I was thinking about the magnitude of wasted time and experience when I slipped into this state. What is a life wasted? There are probably too many answers. In some cases it's probably just a case of sunk cost. It's probably a waste when people are murdered and it's probably a waste when people are evil, but I think my own inadequacies don't reach this degree. I can't say I've wasted a lot of time because I'm not sure what I would have done with it otherwise. The money is gone, the opportunity is gone, the people are gone, it's all behind. 

I've been thinking about the sunk cost fallacy a lot because Collin is trying to buy a house. He's considered buying one before and has beat himself up a little bit over not having done so, and I, having taken exactly two economics courses and largely neglecting to learn anything from my pending business degree, have repeatedly probably misapplied this concept to his dilemma. I reassure him, as I reassure myself, possibly in bad faith on both accounts, that what's done is done. You can't unbuy the tickets, sweetie, but you don't have to go to the concert. The money is spent. I find his issue analogous to my own bitter experience with finishing school. I can't undo that I haven't finished yet, and it's not helpful to fret about the money I have blown through on the way. The only way is forward. But even I understand how hollow that rings.

I wonder what it would have been like if we'd stayed together. It's a sunk cost. But I wonder if we'd be better off, or would things have just been harder? I don't know that I've really grown, but I feel like he has, and I think I would have stifled that. Who knows though? I think if I were a kinder person I might have gotten to see this person I love grow. 

I think there are probably other instances in my life where I let go of the chance to experience someone else's. There are people I can internet stalk but never speak to. There are people that will never know I miss them. There are people with whom I may just never truly connect.

I think this about my family a lot. How it feels like we're a chain of islands. Dependent on each other for protection and trade, with some cultural similarities, but completely independent and somewhat hostile governments. I worry this is the energy I bring into all relationships. I wish I were closer to my nephew, but our formative years ran too close and were separated by physical distance. 

I think I'm going to regret not staying in the life of the child that was in mine for 10. Though I think there I mostly regret not having been a better person or influence to them when I was too young and imbalanced to be around anyone. I don't want kids now, and I don't think I should have been put in close proximity to one at 19. A lonely teenager and a lonely child don't always lead to heartwarming romps where everyone grows and is better afterwards. I wonder if they'll ever forgive me for not being what they needed and deserved. I wonder if it is anything to ever try to bring up. Probably not.

People should be allowed to move on. I'm not sure what anyone is ever owed. I sometimes wonder how bad I could have been when there seems to be no way to make amends. I have lost who I thought were very close friends, and reaching out and apologizing doesn't always work. Reaching out and not apologizing doesn't seem to work great either. I don't think I've ever had a lot of friends, so it is disappointing to lose them. I don't know who was wrong in some situations. Even if I concede that I may have been wrong, I fear I don't know the full extent. All I know is I am a nightmare to live with. Poor Collin.

The beginning of 2021 was largely time reflecting on 2020. How could it not be? It was a time of reflection, panic, relief and disaster. Life seems generally kind of isolating and I don't know that I buy into the idea that a lot of that is due to social media. I think there is a lot of opportunity to connect through social media. There's a lot of opportunity to stay connected and to reconnect through social media. Sure, you could post a bunch of carefully curated photos of yourself and project an image that requires keeping people at a distance so they don't see the cracks. People could definitely be trying to sell you an idea of themselves, or some Herbalife. But I don't know where I was going with that.

I think this was all supposed to end on Stassney. I recently reconnected with her after spending too much time and energy hating her. Sunk cost. I definitely didn't handle things nicely when my life exploded from 2016-2018 in a way that made a lot of sense if you'd seen all the smaller explosions, but less when you're suffering head trauma from those explosions. Stassney did not deserve as much of my ire as she received: I tossed her stuff in a dumpster! I took too much of Scott taking advantage of both of us out on her. I'm not sure what I owe her. Probably not using her name, but I'm pretty sure it's in earlier posts laced with curses, and I want it to be clear I don't stand by those feelings anymore. I'm not sure what she owes me. Probably nothing. It feels nice at least to put that aside. I will never forgive Scott, but I forgive Stassney, although there really isn't anything for me to forgive her for. And I apologized, and I think forgiveness works opposite to gift structure because it is definitely better to receive than to give. I appreciate beyond words when people think I'm an acceptable side-character or extra in their life.

I think I just want to be friends. Friendship is going to open up again in two weeks and I am taking stock of who I have around and who I miss, where that can change, and where I can gather new people. I'm going to get to graduate in August and I don't know who I would have celebrate with me. Thinking further out I don't know who I would invite to celebrate things with The Kitten, Collin and myself. There's so much to plan for.

There's so much changing.

I'm glad you're here with me now.