Snowpocalypse 2021

 I've developed a probably unhealthy fixation with my cat in isolation.

To be honest, my preoccupation with her before was probably not at healthy levels. The obsession has only grown. This is probably not novel. I don't think anything I do is.

I think I prescribe to the cynical notion that originality is impossible. There are too many people and too many thoughts for anything to be unique. We're all built up on history. Then again, it is scientifically proven that is is virtually impossible for two snowflakes to be the same. And someone thought up the Babadook. And then someone thought up the Babadook as a queer icon. So, I'm probably wrong.

I think it's clear I have a lot of insecurity that is not exactly underlying. It's a very forward facing insecurity. An insecurity so self-aware it probably circles back around to a complete lack of understanding. I think, like with a lot of people, my insecurities shape my most aggressive distastes and negative beliefs. Like the finality of my conclusion that nothing could ever be original. It's a pretty juvenile belief and was definitely developed in my late teens. It's not that I think it's not worth trying. Nor do I believe that things created aren't interesting. It's probably a belief solid rooted in letting myself off the hook for not being original. It also allows me to scornfully decry the platforms of other artists as pretentious and condescending displays of the obvious. I'm a hater and I appreciate all the rap dedicated to putting me in my place. 

Collin and I often make the same jokes at the same time. Not just inside jokes, but we gravitate to the same punchline whether it's silly or dark. I'm not sure if it's cute or just proof we both go for the obvious low-hanging fruit. He does surprise me some times. Probably pretty often. So I'm settling into the idea that it's a good sign for our compatibility, despite it being the downfall of Seth and Anna.

Catching up- I spent a good deal of a month or more (what is time?) watching The O.C. because I had never finished it. I tried Gossip Girl afterwards because I was similarly obsessed in my teens, but could not finish that one this time around. The constant rape trope made even creepier by later allegations that Ed Westwick actually sexually assaulted women was a huge turn off.

I also got way too invested in several Real Housewives Franchises. I could accept facing the darkness of humanity, but cared a lot about the packaging.

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I haven't been able to finish one of these in one sitting in a while. I tend to get some inspiration for the next one coming right after posting one, then feeling it's too early to post again set it aside for further consideration.

This post was started before the end of the second impeachment hearing for Donald Trump. It is being concluded shortly after his acquittal. I don't feel like I have a lot to say on the subject at the moment. It wasn't a surprise. And that's sad. What more is there? I can only hope this is a bad bet on the part of the Republicans who chose this course. With any luck Donald Trump will tear the party apart. Unfortunately, it will probably fall to the people in vulnerable communities to make sure that while it ruptures the GOP doesn't take the rest of the country even further with it.

I can only continue to voice my seething hatred for Mitch McConnell. I hate Mitch McConnell. I hate him so much and I hope he loses both money and power before he dies. I don't think he's even worried at this point about how he'll be portrayed in history. But I think it's pretty clear he doesn't want to lose any more power, so I want that even more to spite him. I think if he dies getting to resign on his own terms with piles of money he'll think he succeeded in life, and I just don't want him to pass into whatever occurs next thinking he succeeded.

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It's going to snow, almost certainly, for the second time this winter when much of it had been unseasonably warm. What exciting new changes! How fun to have a cool new reason to be stuck inside uncertain whether systems around you are about to fail! It's going to be so pretty!!

Honestly, I'm kind of excited. Scared, but excited, which really is a nice change of pace from just being scared. Last time it snowed my eye was really bothering me and I got pink-eye and it was gross and terrible and I slept through the whole snow day. I got a few good pictures with the kitten, but I didn't build a snow person or anything. I really want to lean into it this time. Do something cozy like make boozy hot cocoa and chill out in it for a few minutes. I probably wouldn't be as interested if it were just me and the kitten, but I like to take advantage of opportunities to create good memories with Collin. He's such a good boy and this is such a good relationship and it feels weird to be experiencing most of it through such a bad time.

It's really unfortunate I wasted 2009-2016 with Scott. Thanks, Obama.

I worry a lot about the long-term effects of our rekindled romance coinciding with the collapse of civilization. I wonder if we're better or worse off. We started out under the idea that we'd probably be long-distance for a year. After some failures and arguments with my parents I decided I was going to scrap the whole school thing for a while and move back to Austin, not to be with him, but because that was where my group chat (truly the one thing that's kept me afloat over the last four years) was. The assumption at that point was not that we were going to live together. There were some arguments about how quickly we would move in together afterwards, but I never planned to co-habitate immediately because it seemed like a bad look to run away from another crappy situation into a relatively new relationship (even one with so much history.)

Then COVID-19 became a big deal and very quickly escalated from "something to keep an eye on" to the reason I couldn't go back to the office in Houston or get any job interviews in Austin. Fearing we wouldn't be able to go back and forth because of travel restrictions, we naively considered imminent under the delusion of a functioning government, we decided I would stay in Austin. This wasn't meant to be a permanent thing because COVID wasn't meant to be a serious thing forever. Things were supposed to be shut down. It was supposed to be contained. Things would get "back to normal."

And now we have been together for over a year, and we have lived together for almost a year, and that has gone well, but it was not the circumstances we hoped to take this next step of our relationship under.

I bet we're not the only people who have had to deal with this weird hastening in relationship growth. Some of those couples probably weren't lucky enough to have a long established history and rapport. I'm comforted to have that at least. I'm hoping it means that we won't immediately become sick of each other once the world is open to us again. 

I think I also worry about somehow being karmically punished for being so happy with someone else during what has been a largely joyless stretch of time. This weird severe cold weather is fucked up. It's fucking things up! I just want some memories that aren't of a miserable slog through time with no beginning or end. I regularly mix-up the dates I give for project completions because I don't know what day I'm in. I never know when the last time I talked to someone was. I know a lot of friendships are falling by the wayside. I am so grateful to have Collin right now. I just don't want this to be warped by the time it's lodged in. I suppose trying to find something to enjoy in the brutal cold would be a sign of resilience and that probably bodes well.

I want to show The privileged and protected Kitten the snow again. I feel like I should have bought her little booties for her feet, but I won't put her down for long. I'll take my gloves off. We'll all go out and enjoy the weather and witness life we're unprepared for- it'll be fun.